There's good, there's bad, and then there's Sadie...

This is a really frustrating time.

I realized today that I only have about $20 and 1/2 a tank of gas to my name (yes, tanks of gas are currency now).

I need MONEY.

Before I can get money, I need a job.

Before I can get a job, I need to meet with the people I want to work for.

Before I can meet with those people, I need them to be at their places of work.

Do you see how I have only a little control over this situation?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow HAS to be the day. I hate feeling like I am doing nothing with my life. That might be nice for a day or two or three. But after a week? No.

I did laundry and moved some of my stuff up into the room I am staying in. But that's all.

In the WHOLE DAY that's all I did and I hate myself for it.

I love that I am home. I love to have family there that I can talk with and spend time with. This is what I have been missing!

But I also haven't motivated myself to go walking at all so I feel lazy. And then I don't do anything really productive and feel even more lazy. Then I realize that I have spent almost the whole day with my dog who does nothing more than SLEEP-and I realize that I am about as active and productive as moss. But even moss is photosynthesizing as it sits there. I'm barely even metabolizing the food I've eaten today.

Tomorrow has potential just as every day does. What kills me is that today was going to be FULL of things I needed to do. But what did I do? I spent most of my time on my computer. Here I am again. I know that I said I missed unlimited wireless internet, but the truth is it makes me feel like I have no life. When I DO have unlimited internet (like I did when I went to the library) I did nothing but spend time watching TV shows and read blogs and Skype. It was okay in New Hampshire because going to the Library was a novelty. But here?

*sigh*

Why am I complaining?

I just need to get my little tush in gear!

And then, there's Sadie. Awwww...SADIE! Gosh, I love that little ball of quivering fur.

TO DO LIST!

1. Give my little ball of quivering fur a bath

2. Try to contact my future Branch President

3. Try to contact possible employers for my 2 months home

4. Do some unpacking

5. Look up places to live

6. Research for that research paper I was supposed to have finished by the end of this NH experience and didn't finish and need to have done in the next few weeks.

Okay. Tomorrow is going to be good.

It's kind of nice knowing I don't have to post every day.

I'm home now. Finally. It was an epic journey. My computer is out of it's 4 day hibernation. Sadie is lying on the bed next to me. Trissie is lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. I am showered and wearing clean clothes. Coldplay is playing on my iTunes (Did I tell you that the main reason I cried so much as I left Bear Brook was because of "Fix You" and "Into the West"?).

All is right with the world.

And yet, there is a small emptiness. Not a gaping hole, by any means. I'm here and my soul is complete.

But there is something missing. It will soon be filled with the time I send at home, the hours I put in at whatever part-time job I manage to acquire, and all the internet I could ever want.

For now, it's a knowledge that I left some part of me behind. I know this is a natural feeling. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't help that being idle make me feel a little anxious.

It's also a feeling that though I feel home and there is much that I missed, I am somewhat apart from everyone and everything around me. I'm here temporarily but then gone again. Separate.

While some things feel natural and I can laugh right along, other things feel strange and I don't relate. That's okay. It's just...different. And that's what I left behind in New Hampshire.

Despite the slightly sad sound of this post, I am VERY happy to be home! To be with Sadie! To laugh with family!

To be here, in the now.

Yes, I will spend unnecessary amounts of time talking about New Hampshire and Bear Brook for the next two months.

Just in case you were wondering what it was going to be like living with me for the next two months (those of you residing in Columbia, MO).

In every conversation I will find some way to talk about a memory from New Hampshire.

I will constantly rave about sweet potatoes, feta cheese, eggplant, and not flushing the toilet.

I will complain about not having enough vegetables and spend all my free time trying to find a particular brand of veggie sausages at the grocery store.

I will say, "I miss New Hampshire" at least 10 times an hour.

I will reference people you don't know acting like you should know who I am talking about.

But I will be home. For a while. Even though it's a little scary, I can't tell you how good it feels to have a plan. Even if it's not a real job and it's only temporary. I have somewhere to go and it's a place I always dreamed of living in ever since I saw Sara Plain and Tall and she talked about Maine.

What else?

Oh!

I didn't cry during the recognition ceremony. I didn't cry during the sharing meeting. I didn't cry on the last night when everyone else was drunkenly sharing their inner most feelings.

I did cry on the last night when I was walking back to my cabin. I did cry as I was driving out of Bear Brook for the last time. I did cry when I realized I don't know when I am going to see Jessica again.

And then I drove, and drove, and drove, and drove. Like the pioneer children with horse power.

I have a million cheesy and cliche things I want to say right now. How I will never be the same, how this experienced changed me and helped me grow, how I will never forget my 10 months at Bear Brook state park.

But the truth is, now matter how much I will miss the people I met there and some of the things I had there, I was ready for the end. I was ready for the next step. This was a chance to figure out who I am and how I want to live. Dale Penny said that this was the FIRST step. The second step is to live our lives using the things that we learned. I can't wait to start living my life as ME. As the person I am now.

This version of me is not completely new. She is the same in many ways. She still quote Willow and Clue. She is still a complete dork. She will still kick peoples butt at Guitar Hero (it's like riding a bike, yo!). But she will now know what's it's like to live as an adult and make choices for more than just herself. She will know that she can't pretend to know what she is talking about. She knows that it's just best to be honest.

I have said this many times, but I have learned more about myself in these past 10 months than I have in all my previous years combined (that is not literal, just a way of expressing how I feel. In case you were wondering).

I'm going to finish now by saying that change is weird and scary and exciting.

Bring it on, life.

Day ZERO.

The following is what my supervisor, mentor, and friend-Marlee-said about me tonight at the recognition ceremony. As you read, imagine my face with a huge smile, just a bit red from laughing, and a mixture of embarrassment and happiness.

"If you’re interested in finding the best French Onion Soup in Merrimack county, Sarah Lambson is the person to talk to. Same goes if you’d like to understand the finer points of how the Harry Potter and Twilight series compare, or the pros and cons of having on of those giant blow-up Christmas ornaments on your lawn. Sarah is a critical thinker who seems to have thought carefully about just about everything there is to think about in our day to day lives.

This independent thinking has been a hallmark of Sarah’s role in the community here. She seems practically immune to peer pressure and was often willing to speak out for what she thought was right, regardless of the overall feeling of the group. She mastered the art of finding personal time and space in a lively community, while still building strong relationships and remaining an integral member of the group.

Sarah began exploring her skills as an educator at Hillside Middle School last spring, and found her stride as an interpretive ranger this summer and fall. She has developed a strong classroom voice and effective facilitation and group management skills that will serve her well in her education position with the Maine Conservation Corps this spring. Thank you Sarah, for all that you have shared."

I told Marlee that I was so touched with what she had said, that I wanted to cherish it forever. So she gave me the paper that had what she had said about me written out.

I told myself that I wouldn't focus on lasts (even though this is my last blog entry written as a member of the SCA NH corps). So I won't.

I will however mention how inspiring the speech Dale Penny (CEO of the SCA) gave was. He got emotional towards the end and you all know how emotional I get when someone I don't expect to cry, cries. It's not a pretty sight. It was weird, because I really wanted him to say "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen". He spoke a lot of how this wasn't an ending but the beginning of the life I lead using the things I learned from this experience.

It was a long ceremony and the benches were hard, but the food was amazing even though it was from a vegan restaurant. Sushi? Yes, please. Focaccia? Gimme! And those were just the appetizers.

I really want to reflect a little more, but I actually have MORE WORK to do before I leave tomorrow and everyone in the lodge is pressuring me to join the fun. So I gotta go.

I cannot believe this is over.

Day 1

Was it as horrible as I thought it would be?

Yes. Yes it was.

Community meeting was actually one of the best ones we've had. That was a bonus. My hat (the one that I started making and Mom finished and put a very large pom on the top) got a shout out.

There were generally good feelings all around.

Then, it was time to clean. And then we cleaned. After that, we cleaned again. Somewhere in there we ate lunch. There wasn't much to have. Cleaning took 4-5 hours depending on who you were and how much you helped once your original task was done. I scrubbed bathroom and shower walls/ceilings. It was horrible. At first, all I had was this scrub brush that had hairs in it and so when I scrubbed the wall, hair was left behind (GROSS!). I switched to a brand new sponge, but that took FOREVER. Finally, I discovered a brand new, unused, NOT hairy floor scrubber. I used this and things went by MUCH faster. But it still took me a while. And I was in the shower rooms in which a chemical to remove rust had been used. I think the fumes were MADE of little particles of iron because I felt like I was breathing in death. I think those fumes cut 10 years off my life span.

Anyway, I finally got done cleaning, but guess what I had to go do? Clean my cabin. I know that it has been just Jess and me living there for a good while now, but I think that the other former Edison residents are dragging their feet on their part of the cleaning. It's NOT getting done no matter how much I do, there seem to be a million more things to do.

Oh well. I am so close, I can taste it. It tastes like Sunday night cookies.

I think I will finally be able to finish packing tonight and then load my car tomorrow. I know I keep saying that driving back by myself isn't a big deal, but the closer it gets, the more anzxious I feel about it.

Also, dinner is WAY late tonight. I blame all the cleaning we just did. And we're just going to get it dirty again tomorrow.

Wow. I can't believe TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!

Okay, dinner should be soon and I don't really have much more to add.

UPDATE: Not gonna lie. I cried a little bit during the evening reflection. It may have lasted a long time, but it felt good. And sad. And happy. And funny. And a couple times awkward. And just a LITTLE bit like the last night of girls camp except no ones statements began with "I'd like to bear my testimony...".

Things are going to be different.

Day 2

Get ready for the 3-2-1 liftoff!!

I'm not even sure what that means in this context.

Meat. Ball. Subs.

And Peanut butter pie.

Could dinner be any better? I have a feeling it was in NO way good for me, but it was so good to put it IN me. Mmmmmmm...

I am going to dream about the meal for months. I think I have a new favorite thing in the world. Even better than (dare I say it?) French Onion Soup.

Okay, NOT better than French Onion Soup. There really isn't anything better.

So, today. I thought it wasn't a tedious as yesterday until the end when I was done feeling dusty and cobwebby and cold.

I spent 45 minutes of my morning talking to Z and listening to her play her clarinet! I should have been working, but I feel like I never get to talk to her anymore.

I put up storm windows. I got all my books packed. I did some cleaning.

I wore three different hats.

I helped prepare the amazing dinner that we had.

And now I am exhausted. I don't know what tomorrow will bring (except more packing and a super deep ream that will take the whole morning) but I'm sure it will be great (just like having a filling put in!).

Day 2 everyone. I cannot believe that I only have tomorrow and Thursday and then I'm leaving. I don't think 72 hours has ever gone so slowly and seemed to take weeks before.

Day 3

I got this entry in on the day I meant to get it in!

Yay!

This is most exciting thing to happen to me all day!

Literally. And figuratively.

The best I can say about this particular Monday is that I got to sleep in. Oh, and French toast. What makes it French? Is it the spices?

Anyway, it's been dull and tedious cleaning and organizing today. A lot of searching for the right places to put things.

By the way, this orange is one of the worst oranges I have ever eaten. Too bad it's not orange season. I've been missing the Vitamin C.

There was a lot of stuffing of things into a first aid kit. Remember that scene in Apollo 13 where they dump all the supplies that the crew has in front of the staff on the ground and say "You have to get that into that using nothing but THAT"? THAT'S what I felt like. Trying to stuff all this stuff into a small space.

Then there was the washing. Bins and bags and plastic cups.

And for dinner? Curry. Bleh. And so here I am. Eating a gross orange (I might as well have eaten the curry) and goldfish. I'm watching The Pretender. I might have a good night. Just me, Jess, Will, and Z sitting in Edison, watching the fire, talking, maybe watching a horror movie.

I hope it happens. It would be a good ending to a dismal day.

Our time is running out. And the days couldn't be going any slower.

So, how was YOUR Monday?

Day 5 and 4 on Day 4

Well, the power is out again. We lost it yesterday. No rain, no storm, just wind. It's the weekend, we live in the woods, the State Park provides our power and we are the only ones without it.

You may be wondering what that means. It means that we will continue to have no power for the duration of the weekend. We probably won't get it back until Monday evening or possibly Tuesday.

We have less than a week left. Really, fate? You want to throw this one at us?

It was a horrible ending to a horrible day.

We went to this really sketchy looking recreation center. It's inside an old warehouse building. It looks like a place mobsters take people to kill them or maybe where a group of drug addicts make their meth. You walk inside and the staff aren't that helpful or friendly. It's pretty small, the hot tub is consistently broken, the sauna's are moldy, and we are going to be there for 4 hours. Luckily, my buddy Steven comes up with the brilliant idea of walking to the Dunkin Donuts nearby. And so we do. But first we stop at the Saab dealership. We look at all the nice cars, go inside and sit in the new cars on display, and debate asking for a test drive. But the saleslady is unfriendly. I think she thinks we're not really interested in buying a car. She's right but if she had been wrong, her assumption might have cost her a sale. Anyway, we leave and go to DD. We are joined by two others from our group who also didn't like the rec center. We talk and then we all spend the rest of the time napping in the vans except me and Steven are sharing a seat and I can't get comfortable and he and the other guy are snoring.

THAT was how I spent my last day of "forced fun". Honestly? I think this years "rec trip" was a dud except for the first day of whale watching and seafood.

Oh well.

We came back to no electricity. I saw that as my queue to leave and go to Wal-Mart to get an oil change for Alice. But there was a long wait. So I wandered the isles (avoiding the grocery section) while bothering Kirsti with a long and pretty pointless phone conversation (not that it wasn't good to talk to her, it's just that nothing interesting is going on right now). Then I came back. A fire had been built and it was nice to sit with some of the others and talk about the experiences we have had, but overall it was ONE of the worst Saturdays I've spent here.

BUT it's almost over!! I'll be done in 5 days and I'll be home in a week! Are you excited? Because I am. Very. It's the last week slump and I am just DONE with this internship. Yes, I will miss the company of many of the people here. Yes I will miss New Hampshire. But I really don't want to go through these last 4 days.

Anyway, today is a pretty typical Sunday. I went to church. I didn't announce it was my last day. I just exited the ward as quietly as I entered. I am okay with that. I fully intend to be more of a presence in the Rockland Branch that I am attending when I am in Maine.

Now I am at Panara (not getting food, mind you, just stealing their internet). I feel un-showered and am going to spend the evening in my dark cabin with now electricity and a fire in the wood stove trying to get some packing done in the light of my head lamp.

There is a Bear Brook Halloween party tonight. But I am not going. Drinking+Dark+Loud Music(potentially if they find batteries for the CD player)=not a fun time for Sarah, especially on the Sabbath. And so I will be alone in my cabin, feeling slightly anti-social and dreading the morning when I have to explain why I didn't make an appearance at the party.

On the plus side we don't start until 10:00 tomorrow, so YAY FOR SLEEPING IN!

Good day to you all.

Day 6 on Day 6 (Part 2 of 2)

Yes, that's right. I blogged 3 entries in one day. Be overwhelmed.

Why did I need a part 2? Oh, that's right.

First things first.

The first part of this post will mostly be a shout out to my dear sister Elise.

Elise-I got your care package. I actually got it on Tuesday, but things have been so busy and full of emotional stress that I have failed to do it justice here. It could not have come at a better time. I had just finished a program and I was having trouble controlling my stress levels. I saw the package at the mailbox, fully expecting it to be for someone else. And there was my name. Right on top. As I sifted through the contents, my day got 100 times better. So thank you.

For those of you that are NOT Elise, the package contained the following things.

1. A variety of herbal teas (Gosh I love a good hot cup of tea!)

2. Land O' Lakes hot chocolate mixes (the same kinds that Mom and Dad put in our stockings)

3. Two packages of delicious sugar free hot apple cider mix (Really, it is amazing. Doesn't even taste sugar free.)

4. A bag of Reeses' Peanut Butter cups (Dangerous...)

5. A bag of the Hershey's mini chocolate bars mix (Also dangerous...)

6. Sun Flower seeds (for the road trip home! So considerate!).

7. A mix CD of fall music (Lovely.)

9. A Mix CD of music for the twilight hour (I listened to both mix CD's wile driving to my programs the next day and plan on doing the same thing as I am driving home)

10. Beautiful Stationary on recycled paper ('Cause I'm a conservationist, ya?)

11. Wonderful fall stickers (I LOVE STICKERS!)

12. A 4 Gregs t-shirt (Those of you who know what that means, be jealous of me and her for having these shirts)

13. A decorative pumpkin (It made me happy since I haven't had any of my Halloween/Autumn decorations with me here.)

(Don't you like the return of the parentheses? I do. I missed those guys!)

What a wonderful collection of things, most of which will help me on my drive home. I might even wear the 4 Gregs t-shirt as I am driving. The only thing I don't think I can do is write a letter. Do you think that's worse than texting while driving?

I have a question for you. If there was one event in history that you could change, what would it be?

Pizza was good. Then we had cider and pastries while we played charades. A little while ago, they brought out the Jell-O shots. That was my signal to leave and write this blog entry. I wanted to get to bed early tonight anyway. Maybe I won't be bothered by dreams of smoking pot again.

Yeah...that's right. Sarah Lambson does drugs in her dreams.

It was weird.

Happy Friday everyone.

Day 6 on Day 6 (Part 1 of 2)

Honestly, today was kind of a dud. Temperatures are in the high 40's and it's been RAINY.

The kind of rain that gets to your core. Makes you tired. The only cure is a hot beverage, a warm quilt, and a movie or a good book.

Instead, we took a trip to the Mt. Kearsarge Indian* Museum. We were going to HIKE Mt. Kearsarge, but the rain put a halt to that plan. So instead we wandered aimlessly through the exhibits. We couldn't even hike the cool medicine trail. There were some really neat artifacts, but since there were too many of us to have the guided tour it was not as fantastic as it had potential to be.

Then, everyone besides me and Z (we opted out of the tedious conversation and sat in the van keeping warm) decided to debate either going to a corn maze or going to see a movie at a theater much like Rag Tag. Somehow, despite the rain and the cold and that 2/3's of the group wanted to see a movie we ended up going to the corn maze. Don't get me wrong. I love a corn maze as much as the next person and probably more. But in this weather? No thank you. It was decided that the decision would be made by group consensus. Really, how is that ever a good idea with this group**? One side ends up getting bullied into submission. Whatever. We got ice cream and it was good but then I opted out of getting hypothermia and sat in the barn drinking hot apple cider and feeling tired. It didn't help that we got lost on the way.

Any, enough about the drab day. We get PIZZA soon.

So, many of you have questions about the Maine Conservation Corps (MCC***)and I finally have a little time to answer them.

1. This position starts January 3rd and ends November 12th.

2. I get "paid" $500 every two weeks. A WHOLE lot better than the $138 I get every two weeks here.

3. Things will still be tight because housing is NOT provided. I have to secure my own place to live. This does have one advantage. I can try hard to look for a place that accepts small dogs.

4. I am allowed to get another part time job to supplement my income if I need to-just as long as it doesn't interfere with my MCC work.

5. I don't know about time off.

6. This IS another Americorps position. It is not a full time job. It is, in fact, another internship. But it is another step on the way to becoming the worlds greatest Environmental Educator.

7. Here is what they give as a description.

The MCC Environmental Educator will employ his/her knowledge, skill, and experience to provide professional coordination of the education program at Merryspring Nature Center. This work covers a broad range of activities including planning, program development, scheduling, teaching, writing publicity, materials management, grant writing, budgeting, record keeping, and interaction with the public.

Typical tasks within the project include:

· work with the supervisor to develop and implement:

· Goals for the various components of Merryspring’s educational programs, publications, collections, and merchandise

· Capital budgets for MNC educational equipment, material, and spatial needs

· Educational funding sources

· An annual educational schedule including year-round, age-appropriate programming for children and school groups as well as weekly educational programs, lectures, classes, and workshops for adults

· Education-related publicity

· A volunteer corps to assist in educational programming

8. I AM coming home for the rest of October and I will stay home for November and December. Just in time for the HOLIDAYS!

9. I will be attending the Rockland Branch in Rockland, Maine. I've never been in a branch before. Hm.

10. Yes, you may all come and visit me. I encourage and welcome it.

If you have further questions, you can call me and we can talk, you can ask them here and they will be addressed in the next entry, or you can just WAIT because I am going to be home in less than a week.

Am I excited? Of course! And a little sad because I have to cram all my quality family and friend time into only two months. And, even though it is time for me to move on from this New Hampshire experience, I will really miss several of the people here. But I still have 6 days, so the major reflection blog is not going to happen now.

Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and advice.

*That's what it is officially called, so NO**** I am not being offensive in saying it.

**These people, though intelligent, are all so overly opinionated that it's like in The Office trying to decide if Hilary Swank is hot. It never works.

***Remember this abbreviation because I am using it from now on.

****Don't you just love my extensive use of capital letters? I do. At least I cut down on the parentheses.

Day 7 on Day 6

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm SORRY that I didn't post another annoying countdown post last night. We got back from a horrible and grueling day of work last night at about 10:00pm. We were all dirty and aching.

I mean, it's really hard work walking from one side of a small boat to the other and craning your neck while trying to see dolphins and whales. You can't imagine the effort that's involved in slowly strolling the streets of Gloucester Massachusetts sipping a hot chocolate and getting free books and pottery. And don't get me started on the stress of sitting down in a nice restaurant and eating a bunch of delicious sea food for free.

It was a rough day.

*Hehe, I think I fooled everyone. Now they will feel sorry for me and shower my with sympathy.*

Oh, uh...hi, family readers on the internet. You heard that? Oh...well, you weren't supposed to. *Awkward...*

Well, you caught me.

Yesterday was the first day of the SCA NH corps' 3 day recreational trip. Day 1 was Whale Watching, strolling through the cute town on Gloucester MA, and then eating dinner at a nice seafood restaurant called Gloucester House. The food was served catered buffet style but the servers were always there to pre-bus the dishes and fill glasses and such. The food was AMAZING. Baked haddock, seafood mac and cheese, calamari, etc. And for dessert, guess what we had? Rice pudding, well they called it grape nut custard and it didn't have the rice, but otherwise it was the same thing and it was delicious. Whale watching was pretty awesome. Who doesn't love the ocean? We got to see one of the whales slapping the water with it's fins. No breaching, though, as it is pretty rare. It was so much fun!

In other important news, I finally e-mailed Ray with the Merryspring Nature Center in Camden Maine. I accept. That's all I said.

No, no really. I apologized for my late response and told him how excited I was to have this opportunity. I told the program coordinator for the MCC that I accepted the position. And then I sat there for a moment, feeling excited and a little anxious for what I just did.

Another 10 months on the East Coast. Another 10 months away from my wonderful family. Another 10 months of wonderful and valuable experiences.

Is anyone interested in what I am going to be doing?

Maybe, maybe not. Sadly, I don't have time this morning. And I may or may not be too tired tonight. So you will just have to wait with bated breath.

Day 8

This is not what is supposed to happen. I'm supposed to make a decision and that's it.

I came into the office. I had just had the most amazing artichoke/basil salsa. I was going to get a few things done before the crazy last days where I have no time to do anything else.

I checked my e-mail as usual.

And there it was.

"Dear Sarah,

We would like you to become our 2011 Environmental Educator here at Merryspring Nature Center.

Cindy and I were impressed with you during our interview last week and feel that your educational background, organizational skills and experience with young children would be a good fit for Merryspring.

We have interviewed several other candidates for this position and they are awaiting a response, so please let us know your decision about this offer as quickly as possible.

If you have any further questions about Merryspring, the position here or the Camden area, please contact me by email or phone (207-236-3164).

Hope to hear a big YES from you soon.

Sincerely,

Ray Andresen"

What. The. Heck.

I have nothing more to say on the topic right now.

Please stand by.

PS-community meetings are just as horrible as they used to be and worse because all of our community communication skills are a bit rusty.

Day 9

Several of you may be interested to know that Merryspring Nature Center in Camden Maine never got back to me.

I believe that I can interpret this to mean that I did not get the position.

I did, however, get an e-mail from the Pemaquid Watrshed Association in Damariscotta Maine. My guess is that the person they originally wanted fell through and they are now trying to find another candidate.

I'm not sure if I am going to try for this position. It seem's like a nice place with a lot of opportunities to do some good. But it's cutting it a little close in terms of getting a plane ticket. I don't know.

Just when you have two options and one is out and you think your decision is made, they throw something else at you and you have two options again.

I'm not even sure how much of an option the PWA in Damariscotta is.

In other news, I took a walk to the march this evening and saw not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 MOOSE! My first (and probably only) moose sighting since I came to New Hampshire and I see 4! It was two males (one older, one younger), an adult female and a young moose. It was the greatest nature sighting of my life so far.

Okay, time to go worry about what the heck I am going to do now.

Day 10

Oooh, now we're getting to the good numbers.

These are the last 10 days of my life in New Hampshire.

I think I should have started with the count down from this point anyway. I was just way to anxious and wanted to start counting down RIGHT AWAY!

So I did.

Guess what else? I spent a lot of the day figuring out what I would do with my life no matter what happens with the Maine Conservation Corps. I think this was important for my sanity today. You see, all weekend I believed that I would get a call or an e-mail from the MCC today. Monday. Then yesterday, Jess was all like "I thought they said sometime early next week. So that means it could be on Tuesday too right? And wasn't Tuesday the day that the lady said you would know during your first phone call with them?"

She didn't say it like that but she said something rather simple that made me think all those things. I remembered that she was right and that I had managed to convince myself that they had said they would let me know on Monday.

I did a pretty good job. And so today I woke up and as the day progressed I realized that hey, to a lot of the US it's a holiday.

Stupid pointless day.

No one is going to e-mail me today.

Hold on, gotta change the music. I am NOT in the mood for My Chemical Romance.

There. That's better.

So anyway. This is what I did today.

I wrote in my journal for no good reason.

I planned the route I would take if I drive home. With stops.

I e-mailed the Indiana sisters letting them know my plan to stop by and sleep at their homes.

I read a lot of Hyperbloe and a Half. (or is it Alot of Hyperbole and a Half? Hehe...)

I continued to check my e-mail knowing that I would not receive one.

I did some work. Felt better. Then continued to do nothing I needed to.

So now my road trip is planned. I looked up a place in New Hampshire that has free long term parking. I looked up places to possibly live near Camden Maine. I found a really great looking place in Rockland Maine. I ate the rest of my kettle corn.

I wished the library was open. My wish was not granted.

I took a picture of a moth.

And now I am blogging about day 10 earlier than I usually do.

Plus about tonight? I finally scheduled a talk on Mormonism with Sue tonight.

Yay!

Okay. Goodnight family. I will be seeing you soon.

Day 11

They just keep going, the days. But slowly.

Of course, counting down and blogging that countdown doesn't make things go any faster.

I have a feeling that because I am waiting so avidly to find about the MCC tomorrow that I won't find out until Tuesday.

That's what I am going to keep telling myself. Maybe if I convince myself enough it will end up being the exact opposite. But my hoping for it to be the opposite counteracts the convincing of myself and we just go round and round.

New word(s). Decramental/Decrament. I was trying to say Ornamental today, but I was thinking decoration. Thus, the word was born.

Decramental- adj. Pertaining to any particularly horrendous, cheesy, gaudy, or otherwise vomit inducing decoration-eg inflatable lawn ornaments.

Decrament- noun. A decoration which is particularly horrendous, cheesy, gaudy, or otherwise vomit inducing- eg inflatable lawn ornaments.

This is what they would look like in a sentence.

"That giant inflatable pumpkin with a ghost pulling a cats tail coming out of it is quite decramental. I want to pop it with a BB-gun.

"Look at that large pile of decrament on that person's lawn. It is in the form of a giant inflatable Edward. You know, that glittery vampire from that vampire series that leads teenage girls into destructive/abusive relationships (it's only a matter of time before they start making these. We need to be prepared with BB-guns). I want to start a neighborhood petition against the person who lives at that house. And then pop it with a BB-gun."

There you have it. Thank you Jess and Juli for helping me create these new valuable words.

I guess that's all I really did today. Productive, huh?

Day 12

In the dimming daylight, joy was felt among the feet of children. Hands were joined, and cares kicked away as they all took up the dance. Each embodied the spirit of a jewel bright leaf twirling in the breeze. All who observed the scene felt peace and happiness as the Grass Dawgs and their dogs provided accompaniment.

That was just an observation from sitting and listening to a local bluegrass group play at the Warner Fall Foliage Festival in Warner New Hampshire. It was a perfect end to a wonderful day.

I slept in (weird dreams disturbed my sleep last night). I made a veggie-full breakfast. I went to the library. But I told myself that I was not to spend more than two hours there. I was successful.

Joe was there again. The attractive and quiet library goer that introduced himself last week during our brief trail encounter. Since I am leaving so soon, I feel no shame in quietly appreciating his good looks and kind nature. We sat across from each other and said nothing more than a greeting and a farewell but that was all I needed.

I drove along roads draped in color. I listened to music that resonated in my heart and spilled past my lips.

Once I got to the festival, I listened to a man play The Blues (I think people who say a white man can't sing the blues are fools See paragraph 16). I watched dogs do tricks. I ate a buffalo burger. And then I tasted Autumn in the form of pumpkin and apple flavored homemade ice cream. I wandered among the vendors, happy to observe without purchasing. Then I watched a one-man comedy act. I laughed and clapped along with the crowd. I ended my day at the stage, listening to the blue grass performance of the Grass Dawgs. And then, warm in my car, I drove home.

And now I think again about home. Yes. Bear Brook is my home. It has been for the past 9 months. And in 12 days, it will cease to be so.

I think I'm still not ready for that reality and so I will not dwell on it just yet.

Instead, I have a few confessions to make.

Hello, my name is Sarah Lambson and I like to take pictures of mushrooms.

I am also a harmonizer. I try not to do it when I am around other people, but I have a tendency to add harmonies to the music I sing along to.

I spent far too much of the past couple weeks watching a tv show I have already seen many times over.

I love to write and yet feel afraid to commit to actually completing anything.

Kettle corn and chocolate are things that, if put in front of me, I cannot stop eating.

I have small teeth and a small mouth. Ask my dentist.

I am leaving for home in 12 days and haven't packed a thing (this is mostly because I am waiting to see what happens with the Maine Conservation Corps (DARN IT! That is my taboo topic of the weekend! Sorry) but that's no excuse really).

I wanted to stoop and pet every single dog that I saw at the festival today and had to kick myself every time to stop myself from doing it.

I have a hard time letting go.

Those are my confessions.

Day 13

Gosh I love this show.

I also love Panara.

I love Autumn and I love weekends.

And I love interview that go well.

I won't know until Monday, so don't ask.

I can't believe that I have less than two weeks left. I know that for all of you reading, this fact is not all that amazing. But for me, it's still not comprehensible.

I need to go now. Panara is closing.

Did I already say that I love Panara? Yes? Well, how about free internet? Because I love that too.

Day 14

And how here is this. Sarah Lambson's sure fire 10 step process to exhausting yourself.

Step 1. Spend 2 hours putting up storm windows
Step 2. Right from that go on and hour hike looking for Indian cucumber room and get hands dirty from digging it all up (also find 50 partridge berries)
Step 3. Immediately after that scarf down lunch and head to a tiny town in New Hampshire called New Boston. Get a little lost on the way.
Step 4. Proceed to present for an hour and 1/2 to 35 children 2nd-5th grade. They won't really listen to you, but that's okay. Just keep clapping.

Step 5. Go directly to jail...I mean home. Do not pass go and something about $200. You know the drill.

Step 6. Just pick up the bin for your next program, look up directions, and go. You're almost late!

Step 7. Present a program to 22 cub scouts. These boys are wired! So be prepared.

Step 8. Go to institute and try to focus on what is being taught.

Step 9. Drive home and blog about it.

Step 10. Fall asleep thinking about how you have no time left and you're interview tomorrow.

Day 15

I'm starting to have weird dreams.

I was scared while walking through the woods last night.

My fingers and toes are cold right now.

You don't always have to be funny and sarcastic.

The things I really want from my future are still out of reach.

Natural peanut butter, honey, and bananas on a toasted chocolate chip bagel is one of the best dinners I have had in a long time. Especially considering I don't really eat dinner these days.

I don't want to pack.

I can't turn my brain off and when I'm not working or watching Sue's brand spanking new copy of The Office season 6, I am thinking about how I don't know what I am doing. I had to crank up the crummy radio on I-93 in order to stop thinking about it this morning. I thought doing a mental pros and cons list would be good. It only stressed me out and made me speed.

Most Muse is sounding meh to me lately, but listening to The Resistance right now is making me feel better.

I figured out how to edit sound clips and put them into a power point presentation. I stayed up until 10:00 doing it and it made my program with the preschoolers today have a fantastic finish.

I can't figure out if the feeling I have right now is fear (similar to the fear I had before deciding to come to New Hampshire) or something more.

I can't figure out if the other feeling I have right now is the result of wanting security or something more.

I'm ashamed that I still like the show that I am re-watching right now (hint, it's not The Office. No one should ever be ashamed of liking that show).

I stay out of the office to get more work done, but I don't think it's working.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

I miss my family. A lot.

I miss Sadie. A lot.

I wonder if I am getting on Jessica's nerves.

I wonder if I should let some people go.

Since I am putting truths down, I am going to do this thing that I'm pretty sure I have done before but always feels good. I shortened it because I really don't have 10 things I want to say to 10 different people.

5 things I wish I could say to 5 different people

1. I know that I have been insecure in the past and thrown it all on you. That wasn't fair of me. I know that you had no reason to believe that things have changed for me, but they have. I am different. And I just wish that we could talk like we used to. I wish we could be best friends. But I realize that I need to let you go. I need to let you find yourself without me. Also, ditto. But I don't know if that's where life is leading me.

2. I'm not going to lie. I think my brain still has moments when I want nothing more than to feel like you see me. You still give me little heart jumps. I wish I could just stop. But it's there and you are there and will be for at least a little while. I might as well get used to it and prepare myself. Because no matter how much I like the idea of you, it's just a false image. It's not real. Also, I have no reason to judge you because I have no idea the challenges you are going through.

3. I know that you told me to wait and I know that I need to listen to that. But right now I want nothing more than to have a little surety.

4. I want you to call me and say that it was all a misunderstanding and that I am the person you are looking for. Or I want you to e-mail me and say that it's a sure thing. In short, I want you to make my decision for me.

5. I know I need to make this decision on my own, but right now I would love nothing more than to have you tell me what you think is best.

Day 16

"And there she lay...and..."

"What'd you do?"

"I...I hit her with a bean bag!"

"Oh you criminal! Society!"

"Blerblerblerbler, society!"

"Jim help me!"

Okay, that's enough of that.

Great 4th graders in a small school with tons of money=a sticker name tag with my picture printed on it, no worries as to whether there would be a projector, and free wireless internet during lunch. Plus I hear that this school has it's own mini weather station. It was pretty fantastic.

Really nervous about tomorrow. Am not prepared. So I am now up and probably going to be up late trying to prepare for this lesson I no nothing about tomorrow. I don't like to pre-judge people before I meet them, but I blame my contact teacher. So here I am, with my not-media-editing-savvy computer, trying to get sound excerpts for my little "Animals and their sounds" slide show. I think I won't have it done by tomorrow, but I am going to try right up until I have to go to bed because once I start something I feel like I have to finish it.

Is there anything else? Um...well there is this one thing. It's not much. I went to the SCA site and on my account it said that my application had been sent to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. They are offering an environmental education internship. It lasts three months from the end of r February 2011 to the end of May 2011. I e-mailed the NPS. Just keeping my options open and all that.

That's all.

Day 17

I have an interview.

Merryspring Nature Center, Camden, Maine. 10:30am. Friday.

Not a done deal. No decisions made yet.

It's just there. So, we'll see.

Also, I started packing. Well, a little bit.

40 kids grades 1-6. Preschoolers. Boy and cub scouts. That 6th grade group that nearly ate me alive last week. Literally (hehe). I've got a lot to look forward to this week.

Sarah out.

Day 18 A Day Late

Yesterday was busy. I forgot to post. But that's okay, 'cause I really like toast.

Speaking of late, I really should be doing things. There are a lot of things I really should be doing.

Like packing, cleaning, e-mailing, keeping warm, typing up research, finishing my summer summary, you know, things like that.

Instead, here I am. Blogging.

It's a bit chilly. I mostly doing this now because I feel the need to get one post done this morning and then do my usual daily post this evening. Just in case you were wondering what my thought process was.

CONFERENCE.

I remember times when I was bored. Those were the times I was little and it was far to difficult for me to sit through that many hours of people just talking without pretty pretty pictures to keep me distracted. By the way, Fantasia? Brilliance.

I remember times when I tried to listen but didn't always succeed. These were the times when I wanted to be good and knew that it was important to listen to what the prophets, seers, and revelators were saying but it was still too hard to really stay focused because I didn't have the right frame of mind. Was that one sentence? Sorry.

I remember times when I wasn't listening at all. I was there, I knew that what was being said was important, I just didn't care. You know how it is said that your soul can hunger? And then there are those times when your body is hungry, so hungry that you don't notice anymore? These were the times when my soul was so hungry that I had learned to ignore it. And so I didn't try to feed it even though there was a free feast right in front of me. During these times I was present (maybe for one or two sessions) but only heard a talk or two. A phrase here and there. These were the times when conference seemed like one giant guilt trip. The worldly part of me resented this guilt. What should I feel guilty? I haven't done anything that bad. But it was the starved soul that was feeling the guilt. It was crying to be fed and I didn't listen.

And then there are those times (like this past conference) when previous to conference I had been feeding my soul again, not only feeding it, but nourishing it. And so my soul cried out for more. Anything and everything that I could give it because it had been so long since it had been fed. My soul hungered. This hasn't happened to me often, but it is how I have felt for the past month and 1/2. I could not wait for conference because it was another chance to have a spiritual feast. Conference is not meant to be an 8 hour guilt trip. If that's how it feels to me, there are obviously things that I need to change in my life. I think that many of us feel a sting sometime during the conference because there is on thing or another that we have not been doing. That is why the speakers are prompted by the Spirit to speak of what they do. I am so grateful for the things that were spoken. I am grateful for the music that was sung.

Most of all, I am eternally grateful to have had the presence of mind to quit starving my spirit.

I feel more and more strengthened every day.

Wait. (AKA day 19)

You can pray for answers. You can be sure that you will receive one. And you can go through the steps.

But no matter how much you prepare yourself for the answer, no matter how much you say that you will go where He wants you to go, it doesn't always make you ready for the revelation to "Wait."

It's not an easy command to follow when life is speeding ahead and you're digging in your heels to try and slow it down.

And yet, there it is. Wait.

And so I will.

In other news, this is something that Juli shared with me that was hilarious and I feel I have to in turn share it to the rest of you people.

Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition)

By Sarah Schmelling

- - - -

Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.

Hamlet thinks it's annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.

The king thinks Hamlet's annoying.

Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.

Hamlet's father is now a zombie.

- - - -

The king poked the queen.

The queen poked the king back.

Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.

Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.

Hamlet became a fan of daggers.

- - - -

Polonius says Hamlet's crazy ... crazy in love!

Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.

Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.

Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.

Ophelia removed "moody princes" from her interests.

Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family

The king commented on Hamlet's play: "What is wrong with you?"

Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.

Polonius is no longer online.

- - - -

Hamlet added England to the Places I've Been application.

The queen is worried about Ophelia.

Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.

Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don't Float.

Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.

- - - -

The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.

The queen likes wine!

The king likes ... oh crap.

The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.

Horatio says well that was tragic.

Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We'll take it from here.

Denmark is now Norwegian.

Day 20

Rain. All day. Not the good kind, either. The wet kind. The kind that makes you want to do nothing. The kind that makes it impossible to do anything. The cold kind.

I've been job searching. I don't have anything.

There are 12 people here again and it's making the internet slow.

I hate that.

I have to stop. I had a lot more I wanted to say in this entry, but, like I said. Internet. Fail. Lots to think about.