Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 15

I'm starting to have weird dreams.

I was scared while walking through the woods last night.

My fingers and toes are cold right now.

You don't always have to be funny and sarcastic.

The things I really want from my future are still out of reach.

Natural peanut butter, honey, and bananas on a toasted chocolate chip bagel is one of the best dinners I have had in a long time. Especially considering I don't really eat dinner these days.

I don't want to pack.

I can't turn my brain off and when I'm not working or watching Sue's brand spanking new copy of The Office season 6, I am thinking about how I don't know what I am doing. I had to crank up the crummy radio on I-93 in order to stop thinking about it this morning. I thought doing a mental pros and cons list would be good. It only stressed me out and made me speed.

Most Muse is sounding meh to me lately, but listening to The Resistance right now is making me feel better.

I figured out how to edit sound clips and put them into a power point presentation. I stayed up until 10:00 doing it and it made my program with the preschoolers today have a fantastic finish.

I can't figure out if the feeling I have right now is fear (similar to the fear I had before deciding to come to New Hampshire) or something more.

I can't figure out if the other feeling I have right now is the result of wanting security or something more.

I'm ashamed that I still like the show that I am re-watching right now (hint, it's not The Office. No one should ever be ashamed of liking that show).

I stay out of the office to get more work done, but I don't think it's working.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

I miss my family. A lot.

I miss Sadie. A lot.

I wonder if I am getting on Jessica's nerves.

I wonder if I should let some people go.

Since I am putting truths down, I am going to do this thing that I'm pretty sure I have done before but always feels good. I shortened it because I really don't have 10 things I want to say to 10 different people.

5 things I wish I could say to 5 different people

1. I know that I have been insecure in the past and thrown it all on you. That wasn't fair of me. I know that you had no reason to believe that things have changed for me, but they have. I am different. And I just wish that we could talk like we used to. I wish we could be best friends. But I realize that I need to let you go. I need to let you find yourself without me. Also, ditto. But I don't know if that's where life is leading me.

2. I'm not going to lie. I think my brain still has moments when I want nothing more than to feel like you see me. You still give me little heart jumps. I wish I could just stop. But it's there and you are there and will be for at least a little while. I might as well get used to it and prepare myself. Because no matter how much I like the idea of you, it's just a false image. It's not real. Also, I have no reason to judge you because I have no idea the challenges you are going through.

3. I know that you told me to wait and I know that I need to listen to that. But right now I want nothing more than to have a little surety.

4. I want you to call me and say that it was all a misunderstanding and that I am the person you are looking for. Or I want you to e-mail me and say that it's a sure thing. In short, I want you to make my decision for me.

5. I know I need to make this decision on my own, but right now I would love nothing more than to have you tell me what you think is best.

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