On a Bike Ride

I had an unexpected day off today.

What did I do?

Many things.  The most important being I went out and ENJOYED THE DAY.

Columbia, MO is pretty awesome.  There a plenty of parks and trails to have a mini-adventure on.  I'm lucky to live right next to Albert Oakland Park which begins the Bear Creek Trail.  There's a stretch that leads from Albert Oakland Park to Garth Park which I frequent as often as I can.  It's my little 5 mile round trip route and I love it.  Even though its NOT as out in the middle of nature as I would like.  I'm not in Maine anymore.  I take what I can get.

And that is A LOT considering this trail runs right through the north part of town.

(Note:  Some day I will have the money to buy a nice camera, or the time to work out how to use the one that my Mom got for Christmas.  In the meantime I only have what I can get out of my little inexpensive compact).

There is something exquisitely tangible about the SMELLS associated with each season.  While some of the smells of winter are as good as any, the cold makes it rather hard to smell much of anything.

But when SPRING arrives...well, it's wonderful.

It's earthy, and damp.  It has the smell of things awakening.

It's EVERYWHERE.  Coming through the window as I wake up in the morning.  Meeting me as I walk down the stairs into the cool of the basement.  Playing across my face as I bike down the trail.  

And then there's the sounds.

It started with the Robins many weeks ago.  They're always the first ones to bring in the season.  Then the Red-winged blackbirds.  Woodpeckers, Phoebes, Chickadees, Cardinals, they are all plentiful.  And then there is the occasional Killdeer.  MY FAVORITE!!  I can't help but giggle at their call.  It sounds so frantic.  

The Spring peepers are out and making a racket.  I love it.  

Every sensory experience of this season brings my heart a little joy.  This is important to me at this time in my life.  A time when finding peace and happiness in the little things is what makes the drudgery of the days worth it. 

So I am grateful to have today.

And when this day is over, I'll continue to live my life, make decisions, and work out what exactly it is I am going to do with my time on this planet.

It's only my whole life, so there's no pressure or anything.

On (and on, and on, and on...)

I've had these dreams the last two nights.  While their specific content is no longer clear, there general theme makes me a little uneasy.

Death.

Not the death of specific people I know.  Just general carnage brought on by a calamity of some sort and I, along with others, am left to bury the corpses.  The first night they were in their wooden coffins.  I remember several being small. The size of children.  And I wept.  The second night we were moving the dead from where they lay.

Two nights in a row of death dreams.  A co-worker says this means change.

I don't see it.

****

I remember a time when I was more eloquent and witty. I think it had to do with the fact that I lived somewhere amazing and I generally loved my life.

I want that back.  

Just because I come to some good conclusions does NOT mean that I follow my own advice all the time.  And that is frustrating.  I kind of want to punch my brain in the face sometimes.

Speaking of punching.  Monday knocked me a pretty good one this past week.

****

I've never led a guy on in my life.  It's mean.  But I think that may be what I am unintentionally doing with this co-worker.  I have NO interest in him.  How do I make that clear (and still be civil and not make things awkward at work)? 

****

Things that are IN right now that I love:
-Owls
-Feathers
-Sweet Potatoes
-Scarves
-Fabric flowers on clips or head bands

****

Guess what?  I LOVE my job.  My photography job.  There is almost NOTHING that I dislike about it.  But it's going to end in about a month and there is NOTHING that I can do about it.

The work environment is perfect.  I get to work with kids every day.  The people I work with are AWESOME.  I am gaining experience in photography.

Have I talked about this already?  Probably.  I just can't get over it.

Why can't every single job be LIKE THIS???

****

I'm in this stage in my current life where I want to do something drastic.  I want a huge change.  I feel in my heart and my soul that I NEED it.  More than that, I need a GOAL.  Not just this faceless future.

Hello future, I couldn't tell that was you.  You're standing there,  so frustratingly enigmatic in that shady corner.  Why don't you come a little closer so I can get a better look at you?  No?  Bah.  Whatever.

I know that I can't throw blame at the future for not revealing itself.  The blame lies with me and my fear of committing to ANYTHING.  I don't want to jump.  I don't want to take that Indiana Jones blind step onto the invisible hidden bridge.  I want to be the person who walks on the bridge AFTER the handful of pebbles and dust have been thrown across is to reveal its presence.

I want to do something slightly reckless.  Like move to another state.  Just decide that I am going to spend the rest of the year saving up to move away.  To Utah, or Alaska, or Canada, or Hawaii, or back to Maine.

Can I DO that?  Is that crazy?  Maybe THIS is why I am having morbid death dreams.  They represent a deep seeded desire for a HUGE change.  And the sheer numbers of the dead show how drastic of a change I seek.

I think that sounds a little crazy, but what do I know.

****

If any of you readers have some awesome folk/bluegrass music to suggest/share, PLEASE DO.  I'm on a kick and I'm looking for a fix.

****

I don't want money for a lot of things.  But if I could spend money on anything right now it would be on the following things.

-A nice DSLR camera
-Pay off my debt (so I could guiltlessly apply to grad school and follow other possible pursuits)
-Moving out
-A VHS copy of Nutcracker Fantasy
-The complete soundtrack recordings of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy

****

Oh yeah.  After what totaled to over 100 tries, I finally beat the giant scary Bowser that shoots massive fireballs and has gigantic gnashing claws at the end of Super Mario Brothers Wii.

I would say my life is complete, but there are still all those dratted star coins.

Also, I feel like a video game completing my life sounds super pathetic.

Also, FYI, it didn't take me NEARLY as many tries to beat Diablo at the end of Diablo.  But possibly significantly more time.

Okay, I seriously need to stop talking like a game nerd.

****

This is where I am right now.

Music I am into:
-Folk rock alternative

Artists I love at the moment:
-The Toughcats
-Mumford and Sons
-Fleet Foxes
-Pearl and the Beard
-The Decemberists

Books I am reading:
David Copperfield by: Charles Dickens
Bossypants by: Tina Fey

The first 5 movies on my Netflix Queue:
1. The Tree of Life
2. The Help
3. Cowboys and Aliens
4. The Big Year
5. The People Vs. George Lucas (Documentary)

Shows I am watching:
-Psych
-Awake
-Cougar Town
-Happy Endings
-The Office
-Parks and Recreation
-Once Upon a Time
-The Vampire Diaries (Yeah, I admit it publicly on the internet.  This is a big step for me.  Don't judge.)

Some of my current favorite things:
-The nesting pair of geese I pass on my bike ride.
-The Red maples that are starting to bud
-Red-winged blackbirds
-Robins
-The birds singing in the morning
-Being up for the sunrise
-The sometimes AMAZING spring weather
-Sadie (ALWAYS Sadie)


I think that about sums it up for now.

On One Day At A Time (And a Reply)

5 SECOND CATCH UP!! 

(I'm still at The Lodge and wishing I could leave.  I started a new job at a photography studio that takes school pictures ages K-12 and it's AWESOME.  Sadly it only lasts until April-which is WHY I am still at Candlelight.  I am the second councilor in the Relief Society. DONE.)

Truth: 

I really should be getting to bed.  The Academy Awards finished a little bit ago and it's past my "bedtime".  But I'm in a rare state of near-contentment and I think I need to take advantage of that.  

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that "The Artist" won for best film tonight and that I scored the bronze medal in our families annual Oscar competition.  Maybe it's because I have a fairly easy work week to look forward to (and the weather is going to feel like spring!).  Or maybe it's because February is almost over.

Probably it's all those things.

But it's also because of a little reminder I received today:  Remember to be happy today.

Life is rarely perfect.  And we as humans will probably always feel that just ONE MORE THING in our lives will make us happy.  

For me lately it's the following

If I just had a REAL job in my field I would be happy.

If I just got asked on ONE DATE I would be happy.

If I could just quit one of my jobs I would be happy.

If I could lose just 10 more lbs I would be happy.

But I am pretty certain that once I had those things, I would find ONE MORE THING that I would need to make me REALLY happy.  

Besides. Many of those things listed above are goals that I cannot reach immediately.  Some I have no control over at all.  And so wishing to be happy SOMETIME in the future is not going to help me be happy NOW.

I have friends.  I have TWO JOBS (where many don't even have one) and in one I get to take pictures and work with children!  I got to watch the Academy Awards with my big sister.  My ADORABLE little dog is curled up and sleeping peacefully on my bed.  The air feels like spring tonight and I can SMELL it.  I have the morning off tomorrow and get to go for a bike ride.  I have a warm, comfortable bed to look forward to as soon as I am done with this post.  

Those things I wish I had, they will come.  When I am ready for them.  When I have striven sufficiently for them.  

And through the past two months I have learned a very important tool in keeping my sanity:

Take it one day at a time.

Worrying about tomorrow too much wont do me any good today.  

Example:  I spent a lot of Wednesday and Thursday dreading Friday and Saturday.  I knew that Friday would be a full day photographing at schools and then a full night serving the elderly.  Then barely enough sleep and a horribly early start to the next morning with a potentially exhausting 8 hour shift.  I got knots in my stomach every time I looked ahead.  I could see it being horrible and ruining my week.

This was, of course, idiotic of me.  How was I to know how those days would turn out?  Maybe someone would give me $100.  Maybe I would get a free giant chocolate bar (that I wouldn't eat since for Lent this year I have given up sweets and desserts.  Yeah, I'm not Catholic.  Sue me for liking the idea of sacrificing something in representation of the sacrifice Christ made for me).  Maybe I'd meet the man of my dreams!    

In reality none of those things were likely to happen.  I would be foolish to hope for them.  But JUST as foolish would be for me to dread events that have not yet occured.  

I'm not going to lie.  Taking school pictures kicks my tush in ways I never expected (A LOT of crouching, getting on your knees, bending, lifting, moving around...especially with LITTLE kids!).  And both Friday and Saturday took A LOT out of me.  But they days weren't horrible.  They passed as many do.  I love working with kids.  I love my co-workers at the photography studio.  And I even enjoy some of co-workers at The Lodge.  But let me just say how obnoxious it is that apparently those who are COMPLETELY Lucid (aka employees) are MORE messy than the people who need help taking a shower, getting out of bed, changing themselves, and finding their room!  Go figure.  The point is, I got through it.  And it wasn't unbearable.  Sure I was exhausted on Saturday and any time I crouched I wanted to weep.  But YOU know what they say about things that don't kill you.

Take it one day at a time.  Plan ahead a day or two perhaps, but be flexible.  Take time for yourself. For spiritual and educational enrichment.  Take time to be outdoors.  If there is a day you cannot do these things, it's okay.  Wait for the next day.  Do it then.  Do what you can and don't berate yourself for the things that DIDN'T get done.  

Yeah, yeah.  These might seem obvious, but they are revelations to me.  Things at the back of my mind that I didn't realize the value of until I put them into practice.   

Life isn't perfect.  I don't imagine it ever will be (though I look forward to those times where it feels pretty darn close).  That's not pessimism.  It is simply realistic.  But that doesn't mean I can't be happy now.

I would like to end this post with a response to a friend who sent me a simple yet much needed message.  This friend has contributed greatly to my feelings of surety and contentment tonight and to my sanity for the past several months.  

Dear Mary Margaret, 

These are exactly the words I needed to hear.  Thank you.  I'd like to think that while growing up the same age would have been AMAZING and wonderful, THIS is the season we were meant to find each other.  For you see, I too needed a friend.

Love, 

Emma

On Nights Like This

It's on nights like this that I remember with fondness another time.  A time of sitting in a log cabin in the middle of the pines, windows thrown open, listening to the night while reading Stephen King.  The air is filled with the distant smell of campfires and the tang of evergreens.  The sounds of night-jars and spring peepers.  All these things work to lull me gently to sleep.

Nights like this are about full moons, windows down, unashamed belting of heart healing lyrics.  The rush of the wind, the feel of the car as you change gears, the empty road consumed in darkness beyond the piercing of your high beams.

Simple things.  Energizing things.  Healing things.

Of course, most of the time these things don't happen AT THE END OF JANUARY!

On nights like these, I revel in 60 degree weather.  But then I remind myself that Missouri is fickle and cruel.  She will give you this one night and then take it all back with bitter winds and unmanageable road conditions.

Sure, weather forecasts may predict beautiful weather for the week to come.  And then take snatch it away in the blink of an eye.

Living here you learn to get used to it.

That doesn't mean I love it.  I'd rather have consistency instead of these wonderful teasing days.

I was out among the trees today, with grasses emerging on the forest floor.  Buds peeked from branches and birds called merrily.  Brooks bubbled from the thaw (incidentally 90% of the trails were muddy as a result of the weather), and the air smelled of spring.

BUT IT'S NOT SPRING.  And when I remind myself of that, I think of how much further we have to go.

That's right.  I'm glaring at YOU, February.

But that's okay.  Because right now, this moment, I have a night like this.  And with it, memories.

Long car rides, just because (when gas was MUCH cheaper).  Walks around the block (when the neighborhood was safer).  Letting thoughts waft to you through an open window.  The white curtain waving to get your attention out of the corner of your eye.  Falling asleep to the mild scents and sounds of the season, knowing what the next day would hold.  Knowing what the next MONTH would hold.  Things being certain the way they are when you are younger, still tied to the anchor that is high school, or college.

Nights like this are made for inspiration-taking advantage of the flow of energy.  Every particle feels it.  All I want to do is stay up until past midnight riding this wave.  To forget the responsibility of tomorrow.

But it is still there.  Not going anywhere.  The routine, which is good, but still makes you feel like your creating the beginnings of a rut.  So you try to make a change and end up saying yes to something you may no may not regret.

Inter-State Studio (we're moving part memories and into reality now).  I applied.  I interviewed.  They asked. I said yes.  And now I am committed to 9 weeks of early mornings and taking photo after photo of elementary school kids in their polo shirts and frilly skirts with gelled and sprayed hair.  Don't take my lack of enthusiasm as a sign that I am not excited for this job opportunity.  I am.

I guess I was just hoping that it could be a replacement.  Instead I have allowed my inability to say no to make it my day job.  And while I am excited to have a chance to gain some formal photography experience, I dread those days of 10-12 hours of work when I do both jobs.

Will I regret it?  Only time will tell.  The most disappointment comes from the fact that this was NOT the escape I was looking for.  So I am still in that position.  The one where you are caught on a spinning hamster wheel that provides me with a living, looking for something more progressive.

Isn't that the story of most of our lives?  I don't mean to complain.  This post was meant to be reminiscent and positive.  But I let my mind take me where it will.  And apparently it's feeling a little uncertain (big surprise).

It's okay.  Work is easier (except that once I get used to one thing they throw me into another bowl of uncomfortable and uncertain stew).  I have some semblance of purpose.  I find it in those little things day to day.  I'm building up a different part of myself.  One that is necessary.

This is not forever.  But it is for now.  And for now, I will live my day to day knowing that "for now" will someday be "back when".  

     
 

On Musings-Mostly Cloudy.

What can I say?  What is there to write?  

It feels like nothing inside or outside will make this change.  So I am going to offer some metaphors and similes .  Keep up.

It's been almost two months since my (unable to find the proper adjective) return home.  I didn't know what awaited me here when I left behind the meaningful and life-changing experience I had in Maine.  But the future held promise despite the fact that I was going back to all things familiar and comfortable.   

I said hello to the holiday's.  We shared words.  Mostly about how I missed the deep friendship we once shared.  Now everything feels like a show.  Fake.  Forced.  Tragically misrepresented.  So the holiday's and I parted ways feeling much the same as we did going into it all (Well, Thanksgiving and I DID have a row which ended in me wanting to rip out my whole digestive system.).

Then I faced reality.  The reality that a REAL job was not going to pop up it's convenient head with a friendly "hello! I've been waiting for you.  Let's be besties."  So I sought out a temporary employment friendship and the benefits that would accompany that kind of relationship.  After fruitless attempts to convince several employers that I was the best friend they would ever have, I ran into an OLD friend...the first one I had really.  This was one of those unlikely friendships that didn't end well, though it taught me a lot.  We had parted on moderate terms, assuming that we would never speak again.  Yet here we are.  Speaking.  And it is UNCOMFORTABLE.  This has now become one of those awkward pity friendships.  One where I can't stand the friend but I feel bad leaving them and I need the benefits the friendship brings.  (Translation: I am working at the job I had in High School and left because of the inconsistency in management, the terrible scheduling, and the lack of decent hours.  Things haven't changed, but I'm here because I need the money).

The there's the social aspect of everything.  I'm as awkward as a day-old calf.  All the other animals know and are comfortable with each other.  And then there is me.  Stumbling through as the person who ONCE used to know everyone and now knows no-one.  That's just a barrel of awesome, right there.  If I could find the "Sword of Pearls" to break my "Shell of Shyness", things would be a little easier.  (I know that only 1-2 people get that reference.  For the rest of you, I imagine you will NEVER have the chance to be enlightened. I weep for you).

There is too much good food in the world and not enough self-control receptors in my brain.  This causes problems.  As does a certain motivation problem and the fact that there are no mountains to hike.  And I don't have a kayak.  

"I want to see mountains again.  MOUNTAINS, blog-readers.  And then find somewhere quiet where I can own an Al paca."  (name THAT horribly butchered reference).

Yes indeed.  

Do you want to know what happened to all that potential that existed when I first left Maine and came home?  I'll tell you.  But first another question.

Do you remember a time that you look back on and think "I cannot believe I was FRIENDS with those people?"  But then you look at your life and realize you have grown up so much since then and are IMMENSELY glad you changed??  This is kind of like that.  I said goodbye to promise and potential when I re-found those friends I had tried so hard to get away from.  I'm reverting back to old habits that those friends encouraged.  (Remember please that these are metaphorical friends like my current job, as well as the friend known as "too much free time", "procrastination", and "lack of motivation".)  What am I doing with these friends and why do I let them influence me?

Answer: Because I have found my way back to stagnation.  And all my self-pitying mind can think is "welcome to The Rut.  As a returning visitor we would like to offer you our platinum membership."

Here's the part where I try to mentally dig myself out of the hole I'm digging because self-pitying rants are NOT useful.  Or helpful.  Not in the long run. Especially if you keep dwelling on them.

I don't DESERVE to complain or to feel like I am lacking.  

I HAVE aspirations.  I have dreams.  Just because they aren't going to come easy doesn't meant they wont happen.  

I have no idea what I am doing here.  That doesn't mean I am meant to keep walking forward in darkness.

Things may become clear.  And some experiences, no matter HOW uncomfortable, are better teachers than the easy and illuminated road.  

I just need to remember that I cannot have what I had.  Not right now, anyway. I have to move on and try to continue to be a better version of the person I was two months ago.  Not revert back to the person I was 6 years ago.  

I control my life.  My job doesn't.  My family doesn't.  My brains inability to refuse cookies doesn't.

And while today I needed was to feel sorry for myself, I'm not going to let that be tomorrow. I've had my little pity party and it's time to move on.

My life is what it is and I have SO much more than I deserve.  

On November

I'll be honest. There is little to nothing motivating my to write this post. The simple truth is I have been putting off for the past month and as I watch life march by I just keep thinking of all the things I SHOULD be mentioning.

If I don't get this November entry posted I will feel like I left a whole months worth of my life out of the internet universe (which, to be honest, would NOT be the end of the world). And so I go through this constant conflict in my brain whenever I look at this unwritten post that goes something like this:

"I should write a blog post updating what's happened since my LAST blog post."

"But SO MUCH has happened! I don't want to think about consolidating it all..."

"But I need to start somewhere. Let's just get a couple lines down."

"Okay."

*types a couple lines*

"Blah. This is taking too long. Lets go do something more fun!"

"Okay."

*A Few Days Later*

"I should write a blog post updating what's happened since my LAST blog post."

Etc...

It hasn't helped that in an attempt to NOT become an internet zombie during my current stint of unemployment, I have hidden my laptop in a corner of the living room. Out of sight and out of mind.

It's been liberating, actually. I don't spend hours updating social media, pinning, stumbling, and watching YouTube. Instead I spend my time waking up early, trying to get outdoors before it gets too cold, reading, applying for jobs, helping around the house, and watching episodes of my new addiction (which I shall not name here).

Since I spend less time on the internet, I have less motivation to blog.

But the gaping hole of November is growing ever wider and deeper and I just need to get this over with.

So, in fast, concise bullet style I am going to update my life for my small bundle of readers.

-I'm back in Columbia, Missouri now

-$444 of repairs got me and my over-stuffed car safely here

-I visited sisters along the way (Syracuse, NY and Lafayette, IN and St. Louis, MO-Thanks for the hospitality and wonderful time, gals!)

-I said goodbye to my life in Maine (tragic, really)

-Thanksgiving

-I experienced a full on digestive system rebellion as a result of Thanksgiving

-I've gotten back on my bike and my backside is not thanking me

-I've been exploring Rock Bridge Memorial State Park

-I applied to 5 jobs so far, had an interview with 1 (A Doctor's Assistant position at All Creature's Animal Hospital), and don't think any of them will be responding.

-I cooked some awesome food

-I discovered red velvet cake chocolate tea

-I've fallen in love with Beef Jerky

Wow, I think that's it really. I feel like more happened. I guess it just seemed that way with all the packing and worrying about my car and saying goodbye that happened in the first two weeks of the month.

Well, it's December now.

I feel I have become considerably more boring since my return home.

Here are some pictures.

Decorative pumpkin with little mummy pumpkin (painted on Halloween)

Decorative pumpkin and black cat pumpkin

Goodbye house of Kathy. I will miss you.

Megunticook River and old mill

Mechanic Street, Camden (smoke stack)

Horse outside the MOST (Museum Of Science & Technology) in Syracuse, NY

Elise crouching inside a giant heart at the MOST

Model train set at the MOST

Elise was almost eaten by a T-Rex at the MOST

The only thing I made for Thanksgiving that turned out exactly how I planned (Cranberry Brie bites)

There. It's done. Updates after a month silence are never interesting. The fun and exciting thoughts of the moment are lost when you let them pass by. And all that's left are these vague impressions of how you felt-impressions which don't seem to matter much anymore now that the event has passed.

*Sigh*

Now what?

On Late October/Early November

As I walk to work or in downtown Camden, along familiar routes, I come to realize just how much I've been taking all this for granted. The fact that I can walk to the library, the market, the harbor, the park, and work. The smell of the ocean. The wonderful weather. The early morning Autumn fog rolling over the nearby Camden Hills. The golden sunlight.

Good, local food. The charming feel of everything. The BEAUTIFUL houses and churches.

I don't think I will ever find a living situation as ideal as the one I have with Kathy. The location, the room, HER.

I'm filled with mixed emotions as I come to my last week and 1/2.

Every time I am with the Young Women I feel this tragic sense of parting. These girls (and women) have changed my life here. And it doesn't help that they "pretend" resent me for leaving.

When I think of all I have in Camden and in Maine-all that I am going to be leaving-I heave a great sigh of regret. One that is exclusively related to where I live and the friends I have made, NOT to the place I work.

I am counting down the HOURS until I am done here. It gets harder and HARDER to get myself out of the warm covers and get ready for work.

As I walk the 5.6 miles I take to Merryspring, I drink in every sight and smell. The air is filled with the scent of wood burning fires. Something you can sometimes smell in Columbia in the right place at the right time. But this is something that I imagine every native of Maine has come to associate with these months of chilly mornings. Someday I will live in a house heated by wood stove and I will adore it. Every morning, as I walk into this shallow valley boardered by the river I am met with fog. This gets kind of scary, walking on an almost non-existent shoulder with cars driving by too fast. But I usually flash my head lamp at them to let them know I am there. If I am lucky, the fog is restricted to the river and mountains and I am awarded with a spectacular view. I love the way the sun shines through the trees and mists in the morning. The crows, chickadees, and blue-jays fill the early hours with their chorus.

And guess what? If you didn't hear, New England got Hammered with a huge October winter storm. Camden only got maybe 3-4 inches but only 1/2-1 inch in terms of accumulation (it rained before and after so it melted a lot)-it's those ocean breezes. Even a couple miles inland they were getting more accumulation than us(around 4-6 inches). It was still a sight to behold-SNOW in October.

Here are some pictures of the morning after.

My favorite view of the Camden Hills as I walk to work.

This is an old house that was built in the 1800's!

Another slightly older and BEAUTIFUL house. I want to live here. It's got land, it has a view of the river, and it's close to town! And it's red. LOVE it.

Halloween also happened. Thank you SO much to all those who helped with my costume (Emily, Melanie, Elise,) and thanks to those who were so WILLING to help (Beckie, Tamara). I LOVE that all of you rose to the call. You have no idea how wonderful it feels to have that kind of support even as I am so far away.

You wanted a picture and this is the best on that was taken of me.

This is me at the Trunk-or-treat with the Young Women. Next to me is Riley and next to her is Laura. Both AMAZING girls.

Fall color has been easing away but we've still has some late bloomer flashes.

A line of red maples on my way home from work.

Just outside Merryspring is this house that is used as a meeting center for a church. I think a family lives there also. This is their cat amongst the pumpkins.

And just for Gicks and Kiggles here is a view up the smokestack that is the tallest point on the Camden skyline.

I really have come to love this place and all it has to offer. I felt the more at home here than I have any other place I have been (besides Columbia).

Leaving New Hampshire was about leaving a little piece of woodsy paradise and 30 new friends.

Leaving Camden is like leaving a piece of myself. A part of me that I have come to find and hope that I never lose. I thought I learned a lot about myself last year, but here, I BECAME myself.

I can't help but think that if there was a way to come back to Camden in the future that I would do it. That some part of me will always be trying to find a way to come back. I mean, I've kept finding ways to get to the east coast-maybe something is drawing me there.

Well-who knows. My stress level has decreased. And I'm doing fine. I'm not depressed because I am leaving and I am not DESPERATE to be home.

In my heart I know what going home really means. It is a step. Something that I need to do to put me on the path to whatever is next. I know that I'm not going to stay there forever. And I can't help but feel that I am not leaving HERE forever.

I explained it to Kathy this way: I have nothing but my branch family and the beauty of Maine keeping me HERE and nothing but a loving family and a precious dog pulling me home. Not that THOSE things are nothing-but there is this void of purpose in either location (at the current moment). But I know that I'll get to where I need to go. And that void will be filled sooner or later.

Time kind of coasts and I begin to fill the thrill one gets when things are almost done. Where you can REALLY see the end. Like the end of Finals week in school. But at the same time it's almost like the feeling you get at the end of summer. The knowledge that something wonderful is coming to an end.

Like I said-mixed emotions.