Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I am feeling the push from behind that comes with the last two weeks of the semester. The rush to catch up with all you slacked on because the weather is so beautiful. I also feel the pull coming from the the last day of classes. I am at the point where I say, "I don't care, just get me there!" So between these two forces I should be readily moving forward.
But then I's also feeling that there is too much and I'll never get it all done in time for finals, so I am pulled back. And then we have the summer. As much as I am drawn to the prospect of my adventure on the east coast, I am starting to feel more and more afraid. Three whole months. I know it's an opportunity to meet new people and be somewhere I've never been. But still, the idea of living for three months in a place where I don't know anyone is a little intimidating. And although everyone tells me I'll be fine I still can't help worrying that I wont be what they expected. I'll be below their standard. It helps that Mom and Dad have inspired such a string work ethic in me. But that wont help me if I have no idea what I'm doing. And it's all coming too fast.
This all leaves me in a constant state of nagging worry. Not that it keeps me up at night, but it seems that my brain will never be able to relax completely. And I am torn between wanting time to slow down and speed up all at the same time. I think tomorrow I need to do something for me. I need to spend some time in the steady passage of nature where everything has a set purpose and moves at a pace that is bearable. I need to sit on the soft grass in the shade of a tree and breathe the air, listen to the movement of water. I need to look at the stars and follow the moon. What I really need and want to do is go camping. That is one wish that hasn't been granted.
I think that every one of feels a pull from the natural world around us. For some that pull is weak and taking a walk along a street with trees is enough. But for some of us, this pull is strong. And it becomes all the stronger as nature begins to wake up. It's a craving, a desire, a thirst. This is how it is for me. It's almost a painful feeling, being shut up in a class or at work. That is why I am sometimes inexpressibly excited to dive into my field of work. I may not start out in my dream job, but I like to think that someday, I will be spelunking and studying bats in New Zealand or something like that.
Well, I suppose I should say something about my birthday. First, in reading my blog from last years birthday I feel like time is whizzing by almost to fast to comprehend. I remember writing that blog...not just from reading it. It feels like it was a few months ago, not a whole year. It's almost unsettling. So much has happened. So much still has to happen.
This year, I think I completely bypassed the whole excited thing. I'm not sure why. I played hookie. I slept in. I watched T.V. I studied a little. I got phone calls from the family(thanks to all of you. Those calls made my day). I just think that as I observed my life I thought to myself, "Where am I? Where am I going? I'm not where I predicted I would be. Not really." I had a few depressing thoughts. Not to be a downer but I think that a lot of people feel these things on their birthdays as they get older and I just started feeling then a little earlier in my life.
Ben called me last year to wish me happy birthday and talk about life. This year, I didn't even get a facebook birthday wish. And facebook tells you when you have friends with birthdays coming up. I don't know, but I just feel that this is further confirmation of the rift that is growing between us. I know friends aren't always concrete. But I always saw Ben as one of those that never really left you. Someone you always came back to no matter how long it had been since you'd been apart. I remember the feeling of losing Sapphire and Mary. They moved away and the sting was strong and lasting. With Kristene, Trinity and some others, it was so gradual that I never really felt the pain and I just look back and sigh.
With Ben this is a whole new feeling. It hasn't been a swift cut. It's been more like someone slowly pulling my arm off. I can feel the flesh and muscle tearing as it is stretched further and further but there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's more like torture. It's this pain that is always there and I can sometime ignore because of painkillers coming in the form of classes and everyday life. But when those wear off I am left alone with this feeling that at some point, I am going to lose this limb, this part of me, and never be able to get it back again. I'm getting really depressing so I'm going to finish up.
I had yummy Birthday dinner and yummy cake. I got the following things...
3.Mr. Hollands Opus soundtrack
4.The Dark Crystal Soundtrack
5.Star Wars stamps
6."Idylls of the King"-Juli
7.Snapfish book-Emily and Joe
8.Bath and Body Works lotion and soap-Steven and Tamara
It was a fine day. But there was something lacking. Not just Ben. And I'm still unsure of what it is.
Sorry that this was so long. I guess that I had a lot to say. You never realize all the things cooped up inside until you let them come out in words.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
- Spring and the beautiful flowers(especially the peach tree in the back yard)
- The semester coming to a close
- Almost having all the money I need for Rhode Island saved up
- My birthday, not working or going to class.
- Lost and Supernatural return
- Summer movies are coming up
- Muse-ical (note on this one...Matt is insanely skinny! He looks like he's just shirt and bones. And I laugh because this was their "lets write angsty love songs" phase)
- 6 calorie jell-o cups
- Garlic toast tonight
- Nap this afternoon
- Good books for reading
I need to be happy, but I have been finding it hard lately. I've been i a funk for the last few days. This seems to happen to me often. Right now it is a combination of having no money, horrible work stress dreams, being worried about Rhode Island and registering for class, this semesters classes and just trying to get through them etc. Just a lot of things. Plus, even thought I am going to skip out on classes on my B-Day and I don't have to work, it's going to rain and I think that I am getting sick.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I just really dislike Tuesdays.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I made a hint that since my birthday is coming up soon a good gift would be the Juno soundtrack. I take that back since I just bought it. I was a WAL-MART, and it was under $10! Who can resist that? If you really want birthday ideas then you can give me a call or just be creative.
That is all. We may now return to your regularly scheduled program.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Laughing at myself is both wonderful and horrible. Horrible when I am reading past journal entries and wondering "who the heck was this person? I was really like this at one point?" wonderful when you have done something stupid and harmless.
Lets take today for example. I drove home from class today around 12:00. The second I got out of my car, I was hearing music. Good music. The first song that I heard was "Drive" by Incubus. (Love that song by the way.) I wondered what the source of this music was. So I went around the house trying to determine if anyone had left their alarm radio on. Nothing. But the music was still going (now playing Cake. I was amazed that wherever the music was coming from be it man or beast they seemed to have great taste in music. It couldn't be a radio station. Even 102.3 BXR doesn't match my taste that well) and I couldn't even figure out what direction it was coming from. I went into every room in house. I even opened the front door again to see if it might be a loud radio that some construction workers were playing across the street. It seems close to the time to get the pool ready. I decided that it must be like the illusive rag-time that I kept hearing on my paper route (that turned out to be coming from an ice cream truck.) I passed this off as either me going crazy or simply a mystery I would never understand.
So I'm sitting on my rump, watching "Juno" (great film. If you haven't seen it yet, stop reading this and do so. I mean it. Go away and rent Juno, or buy it. It's worth it. While your at it get me and yourself the soundtrack. My birthday is a little over a week away *hint hint*. Sorry, moving on). The movie ended and I got up. There was that music again. This time it was playing The Killers "Jenny was a friend of mine". I went upstairs, content to just let it keep going. If the music was all in my head, sweet! I shuffled over to the computer to check e-mail and plug in my iPod. I extracted the small blue rectangle when lo and behold, the music got louder!! I looked down at the display screen and it said to me "Jenny was a friend of mine" The Killers Hot Fuss. And my battery was low. Yes my friends (and family), my iPod had been playing in my pocket for the last two hours.
What really baffles me it how the volume got cranked all the way up so I could hear it from my headphones in my pocket and how the lock button got switched over when it obviously wasn't that way when I first put it in my pocket (if it had been, the music would have never been able to start in the first place.) Anyway, sorry for the epic. Sometimes these stories tend to go longer that I intend.
In other news, I saw a gum bush today. I was quite amazed by it. I wonder what plant family the gum bush falls into. Or maybe it was just that all the Steak N' Shake drive through customers decide that a good place to throw their gum is into the bush outside their window! C'mon people! Can you seriously not find a better place for your gum that under the desk your sitting at, on the stairs of the parking garage or even better on the window sills of campus buildings???? If you are old enough to go to Mizzou or to drive through Steak N' Shake that you are old enough to appropriately dispose of your gum. I understand sticking your hand under your desk in Jr. High and finding a gooey mass meeting your revolted fingers. Heck, I once SAT in spearmint flavored gum at Kirsti's jazz band concert at Oakland. But college? I am ashamed.
Enough of that rant. Since this entry is long winded enough, if any of you would care to know these are dad's responses to the tag. Since he doesn't have a blog, I will take the liberty of posting them.
My responses (I obviously don’t have a blog):
Four jobs I’ve held:
Bagger for Albertson’s Grocery
Custodian at Mission Training Center
Asst Mgr/Mgr Don’s Country Market (waited on a member of the BeeGees, several Osmonds)
Instruction Coordinator for Missouri National Guard Military Academy
Four movies I could watch over and over:
-A Man For All Seasons
-Lord of the Rings
-A Few Good Men
(There are, of course, more)
Four places I have lived:
Sioux City, Iowa
Kansas City, Missouri
Four TV Shows I Like:
Law & Order (original)
Mike and Mike in the Morning (actually a radio show being televised)
Four people who e-mail me regularly:
John (my colleague)
Some guy who wants me to give him my bank account number so he can deposit a bazillian dollars there
QPB (the Book Club I just quit)
Four favorite foods:
Four places I would rather be:
Iowa (is it heaven?)
Four people I’m tagging:
I love this man. He cracks me up!! Anyway, happy Wednesday. The third best day of the week is almost over for me (in that I have to go to work in a few hours...blah.)
Monday, April 14, 2008
Four Jobs I've Held:
1.Dietary Aid at Candlelight Lodge assisted living facility
2.Senior Customer Service Associate at Movie Gallery
3.Customer Sales Associate at Kirlins Hallmark
4.Server at Bob Evans (commonly called the Boob by some)
Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Heres a shocker...Lord of the Rings!!
2.Anything by M. Night(I know thats cheating but deal with it!)
4.The original Star Wars films...Even thought I used up my "the average person should never watch these movies over this many times" quota I can still never get enough of those amazing movies!
5.not really one, but related to Emily and "Pride and Prejudice" that is a book that I can read over and over.
Four Places I've Lived:
1.Columbia, Mo-old house
3.Columbia, Mo-current home
4.hopefully an apartment by the end of the summer!
Four TV shows I like:
Four People Who Email Me Regularly:
2.Plant Taxonomy Professor
3.The University of Missouri
4.Various book and music clubs.
Four Favorite Foods:
1.Bob Evans BLT & E
3.Bagels and cream cheese
Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1.Rhode Island already!
2.Northwest states (Oregon, Washington etc). I envy you Juli and Elise.
3. New Zealand
4.A different home...I need to get out! Not that I don't love living with Mom and Dad and Kirsti. It's just that time.
Four People I'm Tagging:
2.Julina Lambson-do it via e-mail you anti blogger :)
3.Steve (Dad) Lambson. I know you are busy and don't have time to read these often let alone do one of these yourself but I know the whole family would be interested in what you have to say!
4.Erin Clevenger-you don't have one of these do you? Do it on facebook or xanga.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Anyway, he showed me the Numa video. I watched and as he cracked up I just thought, "what the point?" Yes, at the time I had not been brought to the light that Gary Brolsma brought to the world with this short video. Like some many things, it was something that had to be watched several times before it made you laugh.
I eventually bought the whole song off of iTunes as well as the song for "New Numa".
Anyway. That is my tale. I hope that one day everyone will realize just how much of a waste of time these videos really are and how lame the music is...even thought I still love listening to it!
So I know that most of you don't care about Numa Numa or Albinoblacksheep. But I hope that now you do! Just kidding.
As a small update, life is not very happy this week in terms of classes. I have far too much to do and here I am blogging instead of doing it. But this method seems to work for me. Making money at work is becoming increasingly harder. The problem is I can't get a new job at this point because I'll only be here for another month and a half. Then I'm off to another state. So I have to stick it out. I do love working at the Boob. It's fun, I have great co-workers and it's great to get those awesome tables every once in a while. I just wish people weren't so cheap right now.
A good thing is that spring finally seems to be fighting it's way into existence. Storms, plants flowering, warmish weather...all those things. I think most people agree that Spring and Autumn are the two seasons that take the longest to get a grip and we want them to keep going forever, but they don't. I love the start of Winter and Summer but I quickly get tired of the hot and by the end of the cold I am ready for Spring again. Anyway, the seasons here are weird anyway.
Thats about it. It's gray outside, I'm ready for school to be over, and I have 6 pages to write as well as a power point to throw together. Good times. I'm going to get started before my whole day goes away.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
So this is my spring break update. I always have great plans for spring break and of course they never happen. I was going to get a lot more written on my story and I was going to update my life. No chance. Not that anything cool is happening or has happened.
It's school again and I am sitting in the computer lab listening to Spoon and eating Cheez-Its. Yum.
Spring break was relaxing-ish for the most part. I got about 1/3 of my room clean. I did not give Trissie a bath. I did not start my April projects that are now due in two weeks. I still have not talked to Juli and I feel awful about that.
I did read "The House of the Scorpion". It was very good and if you like futuristic "life in the future will STINK" books I suggest it. I also got to go to St. Louis which was loads of fun. My craving for the zoo has been satisfied for now.
I got A's on two of my finals and a B on the other. That is much better than I was expecting and it makes me very happy.
Time is moving far too quickly. I want the next six weeks of classes to pass quickly but not so quickly that I'm not prepared for whats coming after.
Um, I am now out of time because it's limited on Tuesdays. I want to update in more detail but there just isn't a chance of that for the next few weeks I think. Maybe there will be.
Oh well, I am alive and well and hoping that I can keep up with myself.
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