Friday, January 28, 2011

On The Inevitable

Many of you have heard already, but I am being asked to wrench Sadie out of my present picture.

What happened was this. Weeks ago I spent $20 on a wooden gate to keep Sadie in the kitchen while I am at work. This is what the gate looks like. Not much to it but I figured Sadie is so small that she can't get past it. Yet she has on two other occasions. Both out of desperation, I imagine. So Bonnie was surprised when Wednesday at around 11:00am she came home to Find Sadie out of the kitchen and waiting for her at the door. I'm sure that Sadie really had to go but Bonnie isn't sure how to recognize this and tell it apart from excitement. So she put some things away and when she came back, Sadie was sitting on the couch and she had just peed on it. The couch coverings were ones that Bonnie had made and values. She had to cut them off to prevent the dog urine from getting to the cushions below.

The camel's back has been broken for a while. Sadie has been using the bathroom in the house at least once a day since I got here. Usually in the kitchen. Bonnie's patience was growing thin. So this broken backed camel was finally killed. Finished off by this unforgivable act of urination. That night, when I got home, Bonnie told me that Sadie wasn't working out.

And so plans are being made to meet Beckie halfway between Indiana and Owls Head on a weekend sometime soon.

It's been hard to not feel resentful and angry at Bonnie for not being willing to give this more time or try some new things. But after the initial grief (which I still feel every day though not as keenly as I did at first) I have come to realize that I really only have myself to blame. This has only been affirmed by this feeling that those who knew my situation were expecting something like this to happen. Everyone but me knew how bad the situation was and I was too blind to realize the direction it might take.

I wrenched Sadie out of her normalcy. I put her in a situation where she isn't with someone for most of the day. I didn't communicate well with Bonnie concerning what to expect with Sadie. I can't keep feeling mad at Bonnie when she is no way at fault. It's her house. She has a right to say "enough".

When I left Sadie in Missouri last year, it was hard but planned. I was expecting it. Coming to Maine was supposed to be made easier because I had at least one friend to keep me company while I adjusted. I don't care how much responsibility there has been in taking care of her the past month. I thrive on it. She's keeping me honest, on a schedule, giving me something to care for, to care about, to take care of. I think I have needed that. And instead of relief when she goes, I will feel this hole that was so unexpectedly punched into my life.

I wanted so much for her here. I wanted her to experience the ocean. To come on adventures with me. She's my dog, dang it, and I want to be with her. No more of this "I got a pet but I am too irresponsible to take care of it" like with Trissy(ie), or my birds, or all the other pets I have owned. I don't want to be the animal hoarder anymore. I felt like Sadie needed me and though I know she will forget about me in a week once she's home again I will forever need her.

She's not a bad dog. She's not a trouble maker. She just needs people. So she'll have her people. She'll go back to sleeping with mom and dad. She'll go back to barking at critters with Trissy(ie). It will all be for the best for her. And all for the worse for me.

I wish there were another way. I wish I could magically find some place to live where the people understand and are willing to live with a dog like Sadie. I wish my work would change their minds about letting her be here with me. I wish there were a mountain of other solutions. But there is only this.

The inevitable.

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