Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tuesday...so it must be posting time!

The conundrum.

I am feeling the push from behind that comes with the last two weeks of the semester. The rush to catch up with all you slacked on because the weather is so beautiful. I also feel the pull coming from the the last day of classes. I am at the point where I say, "I don't care, just get me there!" So between these two forces I should be readily moving forward.

But then I's also feeling that there is too much and I'll never get it all done in time for finals, so I am pulled back. And then we have the summer. As much as I am drawn to the prospect of my adventure on the east coast, I am starting to feel more and more afraid. Three whole months. I know it's an opportunity to meet new people and be somewhere I've never been. But still, the idea of living for three months in a place where I don't know anyone is a little intimidating. And although everyone tells me I'll be fine I still can't help worrying that I wont be what they expected. I'll be below their standard. It helps that Mom and Dad have inspired such a string work ethic in me. But that wont help me if I have no idea what I'm doing. And it's all coming too fast.

This all leaves me in a constant state of nagging worry. Not that it keeps me up at night, but it seems that my brain will never be able to relax completely. And I am torn between wanting time to slow down and speed up all at the same time. I think tomorrow I need to do something for me. I need to spend some time in the steady passage of nature where everything has a set purpose and moves at a pace that is bearable. I need to sit on the soft grass in the shade of a tree and breathe the air, listen to the movement of water. I need to look at the stars and follow the moon. What I really need and want to do is go camping. That is one wish that hasn't been granted.

I think that every one of feels a pull from the natural world around us. For some that pull is weak and taking a walk along a street with trees is enough. But for some of us, this pull is strong. And it becomes all the stronger as nature begins to wake up. It's a craving, a desire, a thirst. This is how it is for me. It's almost a painful feeling, being shut up in a class or at work. That is why I am sometimes inexpressibly excited to dive into my field of work. I may not start out in my dream job, but I like to think that someday, I will be spelunking and studying bats in New Zealand or something like that.

Well, I suppose I should say something about my birthday. First, in reading my blog from last years birthday I feel like time is whizzing by almost to fast to comprehend. I remember writing that blog...not just from reading it. It feels like it was a few months ago, not a whole year. It's almost unsettling. So much has happened. So much still has to happen.

This year, I think I completely bypassed the whole excited thing. I'm not sure why. I played hookie. I slept in. I watched T.V. I studied a little. I got phone calls from the family(thanks to all of you. Those calls made my day). I just think that as I observed my life I thought to myself, "Where am I? Where am I going? I'm not where I predicted I would be. Not really." I had a few depressing thoughts. Not to be a downer but I think that a lot of people feel these things on their birthdays as they get older and I just started feeling then a little earlier in my life.

Ben called me last year to wish me happy birthday and talk about life. This year, I didn't even get a facebook birthday wish. And facebook tells you when you have friends with birthdays coming up. I don't know, but I just feel that this is further confirmation of the rift that is growing between us. I know friends aren't always concrete. But I always saw Ben as one of those that never really left you. Someone you always came back to no matter how long it had been since you'd been apart. I remember the feeling of losing Sapphire and Mary. They moved away and the sting was strong and lasting. With Kristene, Trinity and some others, it was so gradual that I never really felt the pain and I just look back and sigh.

With Ben this is a whole new feeling. It hasn't been a swift cut. It's been more like someone slowly pulling my arm off. I can feel the flesh and muscle tearing as it is stretched further and further but there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's more like torture. It's this pain that is always there and I can sometime ignore because of painkillers coming in the form of classes and everyday life. But when those wear off I am left alone with this feeling that at some point, I am going to lose this limb, this part of me, and never be able to get it back again. I'm getting really depressing so I'm going to finish up.

I had yummy Birthday dinner and yummy cake. I got the following things...
1.Hullabaloo DVD
3.Mr. Hollands Opus soundtrack
4.The Dark Crystal Soundtrack
5.Star Wars stamps
6."Idylls of the King"-Juli
7.Snapfish book-Emily and Joe
8.Bath and Body Works lotion and soap-Steven and Tamara

It was a fine day. But there was something lacking. Not just Ben. And I'm still unsure of what it is.

Sorry that this was so long. I guess that I had a lot to say. You never realize all the things cooped up inside until you let them come out in words.


Peeser said...

I'm sorry I didn't have your present to send in time... still, I'm glad you got to enjoy yummy dinner and yummy cake and that you got some great presents... (btw- how did you like my card? ;)

emily said...

i wish I had more profound things to say... :(

But I love you... and you are marvelous...

Hang in there! Nearly time for a new phase.

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