Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Turning the Double Deuce

Wait...would that be 40?

So I hit a spot this morning. A small lick of happiness and excitement at the person I'm becoming. But it was fleeting. Like the flicker of adrenaline you get when you think you might run into someone and barely side-step them in time. weird comparison, I know. but I felt that today and wondered at how strange it was to see the person and not know which way to go so you feel a tingling go down your arms and into your stomach as you make a choice and hope it's the right one.

I think once you turn 18, birthdays stop feeling the way that they used to. Like Christmas where there is this flare of anticipation every once in a while at that time of year...but it begins to diminish in intensity and frequency as you get older. I felt a little excited yesterday morning...even happy as I drove all the way to eagle bluffs and was rewarded with the sight of many happy little miracles.

Thanks to facebook and the calls from my sisters, I felt happy at times during the day yesterday.

The happiness left me as I pulled into the parking garage and realized that I had to stop listening to music and get my rear-end to class.

I look back at the last few months. At the insignificant-in-the-big-scheme-of-things ups and downs. And part of me smiles at some of the truths that I have learned about myself. Then I see all the things I still need to learn. And all of the things that I wish would happen to me. What I wish I could really feel. And I think that's what brings up that irrational sad feeling that I wish would go away. Clouds in the sky don't help. Silent dark things. No thunder, no rain. Just pointless and depressing. And then there is the threat of work. I am determined to stay there until July so I can say that I was there for two years. Then it's time to get out my my life-sucking, bad paying job.

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