Turning the Double Deuce

Wait...would that be 40?

So I hit a spot this morning. A small lick of happiness and excitement at the person I'm becoming. But it was fleeting. Like the flicker of adrenaline you get when you think you might run into someone and barely side-step them in time. weird comparison, I know. but I felt that today and wondered at how strange it was to see the person and not know which way to go so you feel a tingling go down your arms and into your stomach as you make a choice and hope it's the right one.

I think once you turn 18, birthdays stop feeling the way that they used to. Like Christmas where there is this flare of anticipation every once in a while at that time of year...but it begins to diminish in intensity and frequency as you get older. I felt a little excited yesterday morning...even happy as I drove all the way to eagle bluffs and was rewarded with the sight of many happy little miracles.

Thanks to facebook and the calls from my sisters, I felt happy at times during the day yesterday.

The happiness left me as I pulled into the parking garage and realized that I had to stop listening to music and get my rear-end to class.

I look back at the last few months. At the insignificant-in-the-big-scheme-of-things ups and downs. And part of me smiles at some of the truths that I have learned about myself. Then I see all the things I still need to learn. And all of the things that I wish would happen to me. What I wish I could really feel. And I think that's what brings up that irrational sad feeling that I wish would go away. Clouds in the sky don't help. Silent dark things. No thunder, no rain. Just pointless and depressing. And then there is the threat of work. I am determined to stay there until July so I can say that I was there for two years. Then it's time to get out my my life-sucking, bad paying job.

Understanding

For the last few weeks, I have been worrying extensively about homosexuality and my views on it. And the subject being brought to my attention several times in the last few days caused me to seek a better understanding.

For most of my life I have thought what my religion told me to think. That homosexuality is wrong. But I never really understood why. It was just one of those things. And because I was uncomfortable with the whole thing, I never really looked into it to decide why I followed. Like I did with the word of wisdom and other standards.

So the other night I decided that I needed to go to my Father in Heaven about this. He, better than any one person, would be able to tell me why homosexuality is something that the church doesn't agree with. I didn't expect the answer to come where and when it did.

I was sitting in geology today, writing in my little notebook instead of paying attention to talk about glaciers. I got onto the topic of my friend and how I still don't know how to respond to his questions concerning my belief. As I was writing, it came to me.

It's not the idea of one man being attracted to another man that I see as wrong. Or one man loving another man in more than just a friendly manner. What bothers me is the sexual part of it all. Hearing my friend say "I can't wait to find the right person to have sex with" upset me. This is why.

Premarital sex is wrong. Between any two people. I firmly believe (me, myself...not just because I was told this is the way) that Sexual interactions between a man and a woman are sacred. The purpose of this is to bring a new soul into a body that they may have a life on this earth. And then we are to rear them the best we can. But in the world today, sex is something most people do only for the pleasure of it. With no intention of having a child. Most creatures in the world only "have sex" so that they can procreate, not for the pleasure. Sexual intercourse in meant for us as humans to have children. The fact that it is a pleasurable experience is simply all the better for us. It hurts enough for us as females to have a child. I think that it is a blessing that it isn't excruciatingly painful to create the child in the first place.

Here's how this connects with homosexuality. Those who live with that particular lifestyle complain to those against premarital sex that they can't legally get married and therefore cannot have sex within the bonds of marriage. But then does that mean they only want to get married so they can have sex without guilt? Anatomically, the male and female human bodies were made so that only a MALE and a FEMALE can create life through sex. It simply cannot happen between two males or two females. So the only reason two people of the same sex are having sex is for the pleasure of it? I'm not saying that they don't want children. But that they are having sex with each other for the wrong reason. If you truly love someone, you don't have to show it by having sex with them. That goes for everyone. If you love someone enough you can wait until you are married. And if you don't what is the point of wasting such a sacred act on someone that you may never be with again or care about in the future? How would you like to have to tell the one you marry that they were not good enough to wait for?

Sorry that this is such a long soapbox. I feel very strongly about this topic and now you know why. I can tell those that ask why I feel that it is wrong. Sorry if this was awkward for anyone to read. I didn't know how else to say things without being annoyingly vague.

To be clear, I am not trying to tear down homosexuals. This was never my intention. And this entry may sound like I am flinging stones. That's not what it is. I just feel like I came to an understanding and that is always a liberating feeling.

P.S.-note that at the beginning of this entry I said that I don't mind men loving other men. It's the way you are. It's simply then intentions I have problems with. And that goes for all people. homo or hetero.

Songs

"Staying at home alone on a Friday. Flat on the floor looking back at old love or lack thereof. After all the crushes are faded and all my wishful thinking was wrong. I'm Jaded. I hate it. I'm Tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here."

-John Mayer:"Love Song for No One"

Don't you love it when you listen to a song you have heard many times before and all of a sudden it seems to click? And every single word explains exactly how you feel.

Because I have yet to do one of these for this Blog and I love doing them...here is the third or fourth soundtrack of my life. I'm surprised at how well it worked out mostly...

Opening Credits: Do What You Want-OK Go

Waking Up: Come Back To Bed-John Mayer

First Day of School: The Names Bond…James Bond-Casino Royale

Falling In Love: Vienna-Billy Joel

Fight Song: I’ve Got A Dark Alley and a bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)-Fall Out Boy

Breaking Up: Dirty Little Secret-The All-American Rejects

Prom: As the World Falls Down-David Bowie

Life's OK: Blaze of Glory-Bon Jovi

Mental Breakdown: Tribute-Tenacious D

Driving: Sunglasses at Night-Corey Hart

Flashback: Arco Arena-Cake

Getting Back Together: Cave-Muse

Wedding: Hero-Chad Kroger

Birth of Child: Let Go-Frou Frou

Final Battle: Immolation Scene-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Death Scene: Blood Ritual-Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Funeral Song: Walk Like an Egyptian-The Bangles

End Credits: Harry in Winter-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Yay...

Blue Man Group-Exhibit 13

And this is the one that caught my attention the most. Their last song of the night. Amazing what you can do with just images and music.

Blue Man Group video featured on

Blue Man Group's take on the Global Warming Issue. Amusing in parts but overall a good message.

Blue Man Group

It was an amazing concert. How could it not be?

I didn't realize that the music in the "How to be a Megastar" concert was from the CD I recently bought of them. It was neat. And there were even some songs from when I saw them in Chicago. No toilet paper party at the end though...good times.

I am always amazed at the way Blue Man Group can supply the audience with a distinct humor and at the same time be incredibly deep. It can catch you off guard they way they switch moods so abruptly.

It's not often you can go to a concert and experience side splitting laughter and then right after be moved in a way that's hard to put into words.

Amazing.

I bought a t-shirt that I am already quite fond of.

Everyone needs to try and see Blue Man Group once in their lives. Tickets may be in the upper price ranges but it is well worth it. I've seen them twice and I would still go see them again if the opportunity arose.

The 2nd

I grapple with a beast of raw emotion. Somewhere within the realm of jealousy and spite. And I fear it. The way it claws at my insides, begging to break free...somewhat diminished in the world of sleep. Be it regains strength as the day's war continues on and my mind refuses to cooperate when I tell it to "stop feeding the animals".

I understand. Believe me when I say that. It's the acceptance part of me that's broken. It feels like old times but I've forgotten the rules of the game. A young dog trying to remember the tricks it once learned but quit obeying because it wearied of the constant play.

The beast finds some time to roar in the sanctuary an iron escape along with those who understand best what it means to pour out the darkness of your soul. But then after there is only a small amount of ease and no one to talk to but the empty computer screen because who would truly understand? And I miss the crutch I always knew I could lean on because that bond was weakened some time ago by the acid of what I cannot express.

Those who seem to understand me best are the ones I don't know. And I feel nothing but annoyance as those who care try to be there but only halfheartedly because they know that I am being selfish. And they have their own problems.

The best way to forget is to forget yourself. How?

Taking a Day

So I never do this...not lately anyway. My first semester, I was so excited about the freedom of college that I skipped some of my classes quite frequently. Huge mistake. I didn't fail them, I just got grades that could have been better. And now that classes are getting harder, I would be a fool to regularly skip out. So except for that time that I was really sick and decided sleep was more important than Ornithology and that day that I didn't go to Geology because I was watching Rocky Balboa, I have gone to class.

So I decided that I can take a day. It's been a long week.

I will take advantage of my geology and meteorology teachers posting notes online and copy them into my notebook(taking care to read the textbooks as well to get anything I might have missed.) I'm also going to get some stuff done that has been sitting on my mind squashing it to stressed out pulp. So I'm not being totally unproductive today.

So I was thinking about "The Dark Crystal" and I remembered that I had heard that they were making a sequel. And the answer is yes. It's supposed to come out in the spring of 2008. And becuse I am the kind of person who want to see the new TMNT movie (from a somewhat reliable source I have heard that it is pretty good) I will deffinatly be seeing this sequel. As stupid as the idea is.

I might even watch the original today. Huh, good idea. And not going to class today has several advantages. I can make myself some lunch (a meal which I frequently miss out on) and then have leftovers for work tonight so I dont have to resort to other methods of sustinence. And since gas prices are so high I am saving money.

(I see a brown headed cowbird in our back yard)

So I am going to revel in this time that I have taken for myself and promise not to take another day off (except on my birthday).

Also, I stumbled upon this website and it's pretty cool and amazing what people did with these pictures.