Not going back to the trend

So I heard some song lyrics that made me really want to go back to making my blog titles song lyrics in quotes.

But I'm not going back to that. Not even a re-visit. I will however put them in the body of this blog post because that's okay.

"And you never feel good or bad, only strange and unprepared."

First things first, I would like to debate the veracity of these words.

I do feel strange and unprepared but I also feel the opposite of good, which must be bad. Well, not really bad.

Yes bad.

No, not bad. But not good. This is not a good feeling.

I don't like feeling disappointed even when that is exactly the emotion I have been trying to force on myself for the past week. You never want to be right when the right thing is a bad thing.

"Boy do I hate being right all the time." C'mon, you know that one.

I know I've been speaking of you a lot. Maybe I should stop using "you". Let's use "people".

I've been battling with myself over a certain truth. Half of me was trying to convince myself that this truth was in fact true and that I needed to face it. The second half of me was trying to convince myself that this truth is not a full truth and could in fact be called a falsehood given time.

Well, guess who just won? About 1/2 an hour ago, this unhappy truth stung a bit. But then I decided to absorb myself in searching for grad schools with Masters International programs. That took away the bite, but this in no way make the truth go away.

I bet you (back to using you again) want to know just what this truth is that I am talking about.

I'm not going to tell you. Instead I am going to talk about it a little more vaguely. I was going to be honest. That is, after all, the theme of my life lately. But now that I have realized that in truth, all my honesty seems foolish and self-servicing. We are selfish people, no matter how hard we try not to be.

Why go to grad school? For my benefit. Sure, if I get a degree I can make sustaining the planet my profession and help everyone. But why do I want to help others? I'm doing it for the planet and overall my own survival. Also for money. I don't want to be jobless and poor.

Why join the Peace Corps? For the service? Sure. I get to help people in other countries with their environmental issues. But when I make a pros and cons list, how many of the pros are non-selfish? Not many. All I am thinking about are the benefits that I get.

Why do anything? For our own experience and progression. I'm not saying that makes us wholly selfish and evil. Only that it's hard for me not to think about myself in these situations.

Speaking of trends, isn't there some saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

You (yeah you) had better lock me up now, then.

If you can't tell, it's one of those days. Having an unhappy truth smack you in the face can ruin even the best of days. No matter how much you have reinforced your spirits by sleeping in, having an awesome breakfast of eggs, veggie sausage, homemade millet and wheat bread, a small square of carrot zucchini cake, and a side of sautéed tomatoes and spinach, taking a shower, writing letters, getting things done, and finally spending hours at the library using their free internet. That one truth is made of titanium and has the ability to pop even the most reinforced of good feeling bubbles.

NO ONE IS SAFE FROM THE TITANIUM GOOD DAY BUBBLE BUSTER OF DOOM!!!

I feel lost.

Sorry for the downer post. I needed to get it out.

Autumn Mix

• Tengo Todo-Cafe Tacuba: SiNo
• Home-Foo Fighters: Echos, Silence, Patience & Grace
• Over and Out-Foo Fighters: In Your Honor [disc 2]
• Extreme Ways (Bourne's Ultimatum)- Moby: The Bourne Ultimatum
• Everything's Not Lost-Coldplay: Parachutes
• Elenor Rigby-The Beatles: 1962-1966 [disc 2]
• Castle Bound-Monty Are I: Wall of People
• Exploration-Soundtrack: Coraline
• Wake Me Up When September Ends-Green Day: American Idiot
• Vienna-Billy Joel:?
• Still-Foo Fighters: In your Honor [Disc 2]
• Island City-Monty Are I: Wall of People
• Another Day in Paradise- Phil Collins: Hits
• She's Always a Woman-Billy Joel: The Essential Billy Joel
• In a Graveyard-Rufus Wainwright: Poses
• Wake Up-Arcade Fire: Funeral
• Somewhere Only We Know-Keane: Hopes & Fears
• Wunderkind-Alanis Morissette: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
• Falling Slowly-Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova: Once
• Map of the Problematique-Muse: Black Holes & Revelations
• Steel Rain-Chris Cornell: Euphoria Morning
• Prospekt's March-Coldplay: Prospekt's March EP
• The Downeaster 'Alexa'-Billy Joel: The Essential Billy Joel
• One Headlight-Walflowers: ?
• Change of Time-Josh Ritter: Chance of Time-Single
• Hard Times-Eastmountainsouth:?
• Come What May (Original Film Version)-Various Artists: Moulin Rouge, Vol. 2
• Sing for Absolution-Muse: Absolution
• Rooks-Shearwater: Rook
• Someone Saved My Life Tonight-Elton John: Love Songs
• Thriller-Michael Jackson: Thriller 25 Deluxe Edition
• Now My Feet Wont Touch the Ground-Coldplay: Prospekt's March EP
• Billy Jean-Chris Cornell: Carry On
• Fix You-Coldplay: X&Y
• Showbiz-Muse: Showbiz
• Going to Another Place-Mannheim Steamroller: Fresh Aire 2
• New Born-Muse: Origin of Symmetry
• Exogenesis: Symphony part 3 (Redemption)-Muse: The Resistance
• Erin Shore-The Coors: Forgiven Not Forgotten
• Eveline-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Strange and Unprepared-Copeland: You Are My Sunshine
• Excrimental Intermission
• Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap:?
• More Than This-The Cure: The X-Files: The Album
• Young Folks-Peter Bjorn and John: Writers Block
• Exogenesis: Symphony Part 2 (Cross-Pollination)-Muse: The Resistance
• Doubting Thomas-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Sixth Avenue Heartache-The Wallflowers:?
• House of Tom Bombadil-Nickel Creek: Nickel Creek
• All is Not Lost-OK Go: Of the Blue Color Of the Sky
• Gift-Rocco DeLuca & The Burden: I Trust You To Kill Me
• Undisclosed Desires-Muse: The Resistance
• You Know My Name-Chris Cornell: Carry On
• Atlantic-Keane: Under the Iron Sea
• The Scientist-Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head
• Yesterday Once More-The Carpenters: Carpenters Gold Greatest Hits [disc 2]
• Pure Imagination-Maroon 5: Mary Had a Little Amp
• Easily-Muse: Starlight EP
• Drive-Incubus: Make Yourself
• Jealous of the Moon-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Metropolis-Monty Are I: Wall of People
• Dublin Waltz-Monty Are I: Wall of People
• The World in 1984-Shearwater: Winged Life
• Now and For Always: Original London Production: The Lord of the Rings (The musical)
• Sunburn-Muse: Showbiz
• The Hazards of Love 2 (Wager All)-The Decemberists: The Hazards of Love
• A Day Without Rain-Enya: A Day Without Rain
• The Gallery-Muse: Hullabaloo [disc 1]
• Micro Cuts-Muse:Origin of Symmetry
• The Roadside Fire-Jean Belmont:?
• Stay-Allison Krauss:?
• Mmmm...-Crash Test Dummies:?
• Whataya Want From Me-Adam Lambert: For Your Entertainment
• Spies-Coldplay: Parachutes
• Can't Complain-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 (Overture)-Muse: The Resistance
• Good Times Gonna Come-Aqualung: Strange & Beautiful
• When You Come Back Down-Nickel Creek: Nickel Creek
• The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Don't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)-The Decemberists: The Hazards of Love
• In Your World-Muse: Dead Star/In Your World
• Into the West-Annie Lennox: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
• Hamburg Song-Keane: Under the Iron Sea
• WTF?-OK Go: Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
• When in Rome-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Eternally Missed-Muse: Hysteria EP
• Soaked-Adam Lambert: For Your Entertainment
• Violet Hill-Coldplay: Viva La Vida or Death and All of His Friends
• The Everthere-Elbow: Leaders of the Free World
• What If- Coldplay: X&Y
• Sparks-Coldplay: Parachutes
• Ruled By Secrecy-Muse: Absolution
• Ain't No Rest for the Wicked-Cage the Elephant: Ain't No Rest for the Wicked-Single
• Yes-Coldplay: Viva La Vida or Death and All of His Friends
• Do You Realize??-The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
• Bedshaped-Keane: Hopes & Fears
• End Love-OK Go: Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
• Screenager-Muse: Origin of Symmetry
• This is Me-Girlyman:?
• Above-Blue Man Group: The Complex
• X&Y-Coldplay: X&Y
• Trouble-Coldplay: Parachutes
• Billy Jean: Michael Jackson: The Essential Michael Jackson
• Tin Man-Animal Kingdon: Signs and Wonders
• Why Should the Fire Die?-Nickel Creek: Why Should the Fire Die?
• Leviathan, Bound-Shearwater: Rook
• A Little Opera Goes a Long Way-Sky Sailing: An Airplane Carried Me to Bed
• Soon-Sheawater: Everybody Makes Mistakes
• Whipping Boy-Shearwater: Winged Life
• This Too Shall Pass-OK Go: Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
• Soul-Rocco DeLuca and the Burden: I Trust You to Kill Me
• High Speed-Coldplay:Parachutes

Note: There are 111 songs. Yes that was intentional. 111 is a powerful number and I couldn't chose only 11 songs or as many as 1,111 songs.

Note: 68 out of the 111 songs are in a minor key. That's 61% of the songs. What does that say about me and how I feel in the fall musically? Weird, because I am usually happy in the Autumn.

Note: Now I really want the Jelly Belly Autumn mix jelly beans.

Note: The First comment that I made about intentionally choosing 111 songs is completely bogus. Hah. Fooled you.

Being 1 of 6

I am one. One of six. No that is not a Star Trek reference.

The fact that I caught my own not reference and mentioned it makes me just as nerdy as I would have been had the not reference been an actual reference.

Typing on.

I am one. Not the one (not a Matrix reference), just a one. There are 5 others. Hence, I am one of six.

I've been here before but then it was a different six and there were others around at the time.

In other less confusing words, there are only a few of us living at Bear Brook now. Me, Jessica, Lulu, Whitney, Marlee, and Sue. Except instead of Whitney today, we have Sylvia. And soon we will have Jeremy and Mike as well though not as frequently.

Do we (we meaning me, or rather I) care, yes or no?

No.

No meaning yes, or no meaning no?

Yes. (Yes, meaning yes that was a Clue reference).

What was the question? Do we/I care? Yes. Because the fact that there are less people here makes living better and also lonelier. The loneliness I can deal with. What I am really excited for is the benefits of there only being six/sometimes eight people living here.

Free reign of the kitchen, TV, food, office, lodge, bathrooms. It's like living in a small woodsy cabin community in the middle of a state park 15 minutes away from any main roads. Oh, wait.

And I am already feeling the positive effects. But seeing as how all the other people who usually live here packed out for hitch today, there is little food to benefit from. Well, plenty of veggies and eggs. But what did I have tonight? Tofu scramble. I hate tofu. And it's not sitting well with me.

I also decided to celebrate my TV freedom by watching New Moon again with Sylvia. Luckily she shares my view on the destructive relationship between the male and female leads. But our jeering didn't help the sharp stabbing pains I had in my brain as I watched.

Bad decision.

Basically I am quite excited to have more room. I am going to miss the laughter that ensues when there is a hitch crew here. But I will not miss the vulgar humor and the constant comments on bodily functions.

Here's another good/bad. There is a 12 passenger van available. This has potential to be good for me and for my car. It also has potential to be bad for my driving confidence and parking ease. But I'd rather take the latter than have my car break down due to excessive use.

I get to have whatever I want for breakfast whenever I want tomorrow. And I can practice the piano, horrible as it is, and not feel like I am disturbing the peace.

It' currently 62 degrees here and I am going to sleep well. It's going to warm up to 89 by Sunday so I can't brag too much but I can a little while the cool weather still lasts. I can taste the fall in the air and I love it.

Sue made me a new hat. It's her way of saying 'thank you' for helping cook at our All Corps event. The color of the yarn is called "sage" according to her. I love it and I love her. She is so sweet! I'm glad she is one of the people who is still around. I keep wondering why I feel like I have something on my head and then feel embarrassed as I realize I am wearing my new hat. I have been all day.

I'm not ready. I'm really not ready. Boy, this tofu is really telling my body just how much it hates me. It could be something else. I don't know.

Well it's nearly 10:00 and time, really, to go to bed. I don't know why you thought it was a good idea to keep me awake this late. Shame on you. I have work tomorrow!

*chuckle* not really. Well, kind of. But not really.

Sarah Bethany Lambson, Age 23

They call me Lambson-something I have gotten used to over the months. The problem is, outside Southern New Hampshire that name means little. It's diluted. Back east, they know I am Sarah but what's in a name such as that, as common as it is? Just about as little as there is in the name Lambson once you get to Columbia Missouri.

I am 23 years old and swiftly losing momentum.

Last December, I was racing forward. I barely gave myself time to breathe in between scenes. I graduated and lept right into a foreign state and foreign ideals. Because of that I have learned more about myself in the last 8-9 months than I have in all my previous 22 years.

I have by no means reached a pinnacle in my self-discovery. I topped a small crest a couple months ago and have been wandering this hill-top ever since. I think I keep expecting to find something new here. That or have someone magically reveal to me the direction to a new incline so I can "aspire higher" (complete with the silhouette of a hiker with a walking stick on the top of a mountain). But I would never forgive myself if I let someone else direct my path. I know I keep asking for advice but in truth, it's not so I can receive a solution. It's so I can hear myself talk out my ideas and verbalize my insecurities so that I can hear them.

I'm no child, nor am I an adult. I know that makes it hard for my intimate friends and family to know how to treat me. I hardly know how to treat myself.

I can't even say what I really want out of life because, honestly, I don't think I could handle anything real. Real love (not some petty attraction or glorified crush that ends in a lame denial that I ever felt anything serious), a real job (one where I have to commit to an extended period of employment so that I can't decide that I want something better), a real life (a place where I am a definitive person with concrete goals and at least a 10 year plan).

Where is the adult in me who is ready to shine? I am known by my peers as being accepting, mellow, easy to get along with, "more liberal than the most liberal friends I have" quoth one individual. Doesn't that mean that I'm not passionate about what I believe in? Do you really believe in something if you don't hold a passion for it? Am I simply accepting of all because I am afraid to commit to a solid ideal?

It's so easy to put off making a plan but then once that critical point has passed you by, well, "Indecision becomes decision with the passage of time". And my time is passing. Except in my case, Indecision will lead to a stagnant lifestyle.

Here is what I would love to have happen.

I get into the Maine Conservation Corps. I do that from January until October of next year. While I do that I apply to get into the Peace Corps. I want to do the Masters International program (even though it limits my decisions in terms of schools and specific programs). In researching that, the most appealing right now is Going to the University of Maryland and getting a masters in Sustainable Development and Conservation Biology. (I know that there are some of you that insist I would do better to get a masters degree somewhere out west. It's still an option if I don't do the Peace Corps (except, sorry Kirsti. SUU does not offer any masters programs I would be interested in except the Forensic Science but it's on hiatus)).

(PS-I hate talking about specifics but there it is. I have to think in specifics sometime).

It's just a bunch of decisions that have to be made and made soon. I am halfway through my application to the Maine Conservation Corps' Environmental Education program. I will get that in before September, hopefully. I will be done with the SCA NH Conservation Corps October 21st, almost exactly 9 weeks away (oh my gosh. That's too soon! I'm not ready for my next step!). I've kind of limited my options. The only other things I have applied for are a handful of other SCA internships. One in Washington, one in Texas, One in New Hampshire again, One in Arizona, and a couple others. What if none of these things work out? What then? I don't have a job and I haven't been applying because I assumed that I could get into these other things.

Okay, now I am just being boring and paranoid.

These are the things that will begin to define me as the adult I will become.

Speaking of being an adult, shouldn't we all be able to speak honestly to each other and act like intelligent and accepting human beings?

Perhaps not. But I've got to be honest, I wish a lot more people would stop pretending to be someone they think they should be and just be the person they know that they are. I, of course, can't say much. I don't even know who I am and that's part of the problem.

Here's to transient experiences and people you wish you could speak candidly to.

"blywhat" AKA Post #4 in the "Breaking the Trend" series

Bly what?

Bly that.

Nellie Bly has a heart warm as a cup a tea and bigger than the sweet potatoes down in Tennessee!

Gosh I miss Martin Hook.

Buckhorn, Loosestrife, Touch-Me-Not, Bunchberry, Dewberry.

What do these things have in common?

They are all plants that I have spent the whole morning trying to identify based on memory and pictures taken by my cell phone.

You can add Reindeer lichen to that list.

Who thinks I need to get to doing things that are important? Not I said the chicken.

I mean (chuckle) I just spent the last hour making a playlist to listen to when I finally make the long drive from here to Columbia MO.

So It's not like I have been wasting time on something that doesn't need to be ready for two and 1/2 months.

And now with all that out of the way I can delve a little deeper into myself.

This is my exploration of identity.

Here is part of it: A current Facebook Status (in 3 parts)

Sarah Lambson ‎(Status Part 3) He had no idea how frustrating it was to be in the middle of the woods where you can't stream anything because the evil satellite overlord would decrease internet speed by 1/2 every time you went over his strangling limits.

Sarah knew he was right and that was what made it so infuriating.

40 seconds ago · Comment ·

Remove

Sarah Lambson ‎(Status Part 2) "You should care," Dom said with annoying self-assurance. Like HE knew. He was just a brain friend. He didn't know what it was like to move through the invisible corridors of endless entertainment contained within the magical computer monitor.

about a minute ago · Comment ·

Remove

Sarah Lambson ‎(Status Part 1) "Fast Internet, I will miss you," thought Sarah with a sigh. She knew full well that this thought firmly cemented her position as a fast-internet junkie, but she didn't care.

Isn't is infuriating that you have to start at the bottom and read up, or be just a little confused as you read it all backwards?

Who is Dom? Wouldn't you like to know? I bet you would. He is my secret weapon and he does not exist. Imaginary friend? Try imaginary ally. You wish you had a Dom on your side don't you?

In the meantime, I cannot get Blogger to stop indenting the text. Probably not a big deal.

There are other things to discover. Like how I now talk to much with people In know well. I go on and on. They say they don't mind and I only half believe them because the things I talk about are so trivial.

But allow me to let you in on a little insight that me and a dear sister of mine realized. I think it's the best friends that you can talk to about nothing and have it cement your relationship further. You've gotten to a special stage when you can start having conversations beyond the normal trivial topics. You've moved on to a deeper kinship when you start confiding in each other the precious details of your first love and the loss that accompanied it. It's even better when you can have conversations about theoretical situations (like living in Antarctica for example) and come up with the solid belief that if you plug a toaster into a polar bear it would work eventually. It's more fun when you can talk to a sister for hours about anything and everything because you literally have no limit to your conversation material. You could go on and on if only sleep didn't get in the way.

And that is when you know that you are truly friends.

NOTE: These random conversations cannot be one sided. It can't be you talking about how Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy and not a romance and how it professes the foolishness of lust at first sight, and not the truth of love at first sight. If the other person is not engaged in what you are saying then you are just talking to yourself and you can do that any old time and spare your audience the boredom.

But then that's what I'm doing here, right? Updating about trivial events in my life. I know some of you want to know these things because I am so far away. And that's why I put them here. But really, this blog is about those things that help me become me. And one of those things happened this weekend.

Will I say more? Perhaps, when I know that you, the reader, whoever you are, is someone with whom I know I can share those little intimate details of my life. Until then, some things must remain private and not carelessly scattered into the dark emptiness of the internet for some stranger to pick up and examine.

Speaking of self discovery, why did I just look at that picture? Why did I find myself becoming a little (just a tad, mind you) stalker-ish and look up that person and then flick to that picture and wonder just why in the heck that couldn't have been me at some time? What was wrong with me?

Sorry. I had one of those moments I just said I didn't want to have. I plucked a personal thought out of my brain and I am casting it out. I think some part of me believes that doing so helps to rid myself of undesirable pieces of myself. I don't think I am fully wrong in thinking this.

This is sort of a long post, but then, if you are still reading it means that in some way or another you are engaged. It's that or you feel obligated because you are family. The third choice is that you keep reading in hopes that you will receive some reward at the end. Something to make this entry worth reading. Like a cookie. Or some chocolate. Sorry to disappoint, but I could really go for some chocolate too. That doesn't mean that I am going to get it.

I mean what are these blogs for? Self validation? Popularity? Recognition? Perhaps all of the above and I cannot deny that this blog first came into being nearly 4 years ago partly for those three reasons. Let's be honest. How well can you explore the true raw identity of yourself in front of random internet readers? (Did you know that my "Cubed" entry is the most read entry out of all the entries on this blog?) And this is how I thought about renaming this blog.

Am I really exploring my identity? No. Where did that title come from? It was an attempt to sound philosophical and interesting. Zen garden? I don't have a Zen garden. I don't really ever want one. I don't go for that kind of thing. So what does that mean to me?

So I thought of other titles. Like: A blog for people who care about the thoughts of Sarah Lambson( at least the ones she is willing to put out in public). That one was too long. I considered simply Sarah Bethany Lambson. Just my name. But then what does that say about what I put here? Readers would have no idea to expect from just the title (but then again, you shouldn't judge a blog by it's title, just like books and covers and all that).

What about: Sarah Lambson: Life Updates and On the Surface Thoughts.

Or:The gradual morphing of the mind of Sarah Lambson.

Then I remembered...

I can determine what I put here and it can still be an exploration of identity. And don't all those trivial everyday events make me who I am? Don't they in part define my identity? Sure they do. And for that reason alone, this blog will always remain an important part of the discovery of who I am because part of who I am is a person who still feels the need to publicly publish her thoughts and ideas and emotions and happenings. Maybe someday I won't need this anymore. Maybe.

But then don't I still post here partially because I want to log into my account, click on this blog (out of my 3) on my dashboard and see the little blue number that means I have a comment? Don't I wait with held breath to see who it is that has decided to leave their own take on the events of my life and the workings of my mind? Don't I check constantly, hoping for a blue number over 1 or 2? I do. And why? Because no matter how much I tell myself differently, the reason I will keep posting here for years to come it because I need proof that I exist on this unfathomable expanse called the internet. I need to know that others acknowledge my existence here.

Because if a blog is created on the internet and nobody reads it, does it really exist?

Post #3 in the "Breaking the Trend" series

The Man from Snowy River

X-Men Evolution

86 attendees!

Jolly Ranchers

70 degrees

86 attendees!!

Naps in the car

New Music

Letters

86 attendees!!!

Sometimes weekends are just good.

What else is there to say really, except I can't wait to come home for a week.

Also: Go see Inception.