Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sarah Bethany Lambson, Age 23

They call me Lambson-something I have gotten used to over the months. The problem is, outside Southern New Hampshire that name means little. It's diluted. Back east, they know I am Sarah but what's in a name such as that, as common as it is? Just about as little as there is in the name Lambson once you get to Columbia Missouri.

I am 23 years old and swiftly losing momentum.

Last December, I was racing forward. I barely gave myself time to breathe in between scenes. I graduated and lept right into a foreign state and foreign ideals. Because of that I have learned more about myself in the last 8-9 months than I have in all my previous 22 years.

I have by no means reached a pinnacle in my self-discovery. I topped a small crest a couple months ago and have been wandering this hill-top ever since. I think I keep expecting to find something new here. That or have someone magically reveal to me the direction to a new incline so I can "aspire higher" (complete with the silhouette of a hiker with a walking stick on the top of a mountain). But I would never forgive myself if I let someone else direct my path. I know I keep asking for advice but in truth, it's not so I can receive a solution. It's so I can hear myself talk out my ideas and verbalize my insecurities so that I can hear them.

I'm no child, nor am I an adult. I know that makes it hard for my intimate friends and family to know how to treat me. I hardly know how to treat myself.

I can't even say what I really want out of life because, honestly, I don't think I could handle anything real. Real love (not some petty attraction or glorified crush that ends in a lame denial that I ever felt anything serious), a real job (one where I have to commit to an extended period of employment so that I can't decide that I want something better), a real life (a place where I am a definitive person with concrete goals and at least a 10 year plan).

Where is the adult in me who is ready to shine? I am known by my peers as being accepting, mellow, easy to get along with, "more liberal than the most liberal friends I have" quoth one individual. Doesn't that mean that I'm not passionate about what I believe in? Do you really believe in something if you don't hold a passion for it? Am I simply accepting of all because I am afraid to commit to a solid ideal?

It's so easy to put off making a plan but then once that critical point has passed you by, well, "Indecision becomes decision with the passage of time". And my time is passing. Except in my case, Indecision will lead to a stagnant lifestyle.

Here is what I would love to have happen.

I get into the Maine Conservation Corps. I do that from January until October of next year. While I do that I apply to get into the Peace Corps. I want to do the Masters International program (even though it limits my decisions in terms of schools and specific programs). In researching that, the most appealing right now is Going to the University of Maryland and getting a masters in Sustainable Development and Conservation Biology. (I know that there are some of you that insist I would do better to get a masters degree somewhere out west. It's still an option if I don't do the Peace Corps (except, sorry Kirsti. SUU does not offer any masters programs I would be interested in except the Forensic Science but it's on hiatus)).

(PS-I hate talking about specifics but there it is. I have to think in specifics sometime).

It's just a bunch of decisions that have to be made and made soon. I am halfway through my application to the Maine Conservation Corps' Environmental Education program. I will get that in before September, hopefully. I will be done with the SCA NH Conservation Corps October 21st, almost exactly 9 weeks away (oh my gosh. That's too soon! I'm not ready for my next step!). I've kind of limited my options. The only other things I have applied for are a handful of other SCA internships. One in Washington, one in Texas, One in New Hampshire again, One in Arizona, and a couple others. What if none of these things work out? What then? I don't have a job and I haven't been applying because I assumed that I could get into these other things.

Okay, now I am just being boring and paranoid.

These are the things that will begin to define me as the adult I will become.

Speaking of being an adult, shouldn't we all be able to speak honestly to each other and act like intelligent and accepting human beings?

Perhaps not. But I've got to be honest, I wish a lot more people would stop pretending to be someone they think they should be and just be the person they know that they are. I, of course, can't say much. I don't even know who I am and that's part of the problem.

Here's to transient experiences and people you wish you could speak candidly to.

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