Monday, August 30, 2010

Not going back to the trend

So I heard some song lyrics that made me really want to go back to making my blog titles song lyrics in quotes.

But I'm not going back to that. Not even a re-visit. I will however put them in the body of this blog post because that's okay.

"And you never feel good or bad, only strange and unprepared."

First things first, I would like to debate the veracity of these words.

I do feel strange and unprepared but I also feel the opposite of good, which must be bad. Well, not really bad.

Yes bad.

No, not bad. But not good. This is not a good feeling.

I don't like feeling disappointed even when that is exactly the emotion I have been trying to force on myself for the past week. You never want to be right when the right thing is a bad thing.

"Boy do I hate being right all the time." C'mon, you know that one.

I know I've been speaking of you a lot. Maybe I should stop using "you". Let's use "people".

I've been battling with myself over a certain truth. Half of me was trying to convince myself that this truth was in fact true and that I needed to face it. The second half of me was trying to convince myself that this truth is not a full truth and could in fact be called a falsehood given time.

Well, guess who just won? About 1/2 an hour ago, this unhappy truth stung a bit. But then I decided to absorb myself in searching for grad schools with Masters International programs. That took away the bite, but this in no way make the truth go away.

I bet you (back to using you again) want to know just what this truth is that I am talking about.

I'm not going to tell you. Instead I am going to talk about it a little more vaguely. I was going to be honest. That is, after all, the theme of my life lately. But now that I have realized that in truth, all my honesty seems foolish and self-servicing. We are selfish people, no matter how hard we try not to be.

Why go to grad school? For my benefit. Sure, if I get a degree I can make sustaining the planet my profession and help everyone. But why do I want to help others? I'm doing it for the planet and overall my own survival. Also for money. I don't want to be jobless and poor.

Why join the Peace Corps? For the service? Sure. I get to help people in other countries with their environmental issues. But when I make a pros and cons list, how many of the pros are non-selfish? Not many. All I am thinking about are the benefits that I get.

Why do anything? For our own experience and progression. I'm not saying that makes us wholly selfish and evil. Only that it's hard for me not to think about myself in these situations.

Speaking of trends, isn't there some saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

You (yeah you) had better lock me up now, then.

If you can't tell, it's one of those days. Having an unhappy truth smack you in the face can ruin even the best of days. No matter how much you have reinforced your spirits by sleeping in, having an awesome breakfast of eggs, veggie sausage, homemade millet and wheat bread, a small square of carrot zucchini cake, and a side of sautéed tomatoes and spinach, taking a shower, writing letters, getting things done, and finally spending hours at the library using their free internet. That one truth is made of titanium and has the ability to pop even the most reinforced of good feeling bubbles.


I feel lost.

Sorry for the downer post. I needed to get it out.


Peeser said...

Go ahead. Get it out. I'm listening. I'm here, whenever you need me. <3 you.

Jeanne, the mom and grandmom said...

I didn't choose to be a music teacher because I thought of others. I thought of what I like to do most and what would make me the happiest. I would have been a nurse otherwise....SO, you go ahead and do what you think is best for you. It's OK.

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