Thursday, September 18, 2008


Butterflies...10 awesome points if you can name what order of insect they are.

These beautiful insects may be a delight to see in the real world. It's when your about to give a 12 minute presentation on bird banding that they become a problem.

I've given presentations before. I've had to teach a class for nearly an hour. I am doing basically the same thing here. So I am used to the churning that comes with that. What I am really nervous about is getting through the presentation and passing of the birds without them getting loose. I know the class would get a kick out of it. But it would waste time and my T.A. would not be pleased about that. And no matter how funny it is to other people, I would still be very embarrassed. I kept thinking last night that there had to be something I could slip into the birds water to make the lethargic this morning. Isn't that horrible?


This is not a good feeling. I'm not excited. I just want to get it over with. Get through it without making a fool of myself. I'll let you all know how it goes later.

In the mean time I have Supernatural to look forward to tonight!! I can not tell you how excited I am. And that makes me a little sad. I don't like to admit that one of my very favorite shows is on the CW. Sigh. Oh well. I have to record it because I wont be there to watch it. Stupid One Voice.

Then there is the Lord of the Rings concert tomorrow night! That's exciting.

Man I am such a NERD! I'm not embarrassed by it. It just hits me sometimes.

So the homework pile is coming pretty close to crushing me this semester. And it's only in one class. I have things to worry about in others, but nothing compared to Ecosystem Management. This class really was engineered to prepare you for the professional world. I have to read at least 6-7 papers, two of which are 25 pages and over. One of them is 45 pages. Then I have to type 5- 8 pages single spaced on what I learned from these papers. There is no lack of content to work with. It's just getting it to all sound good together and not become repetitive. Oy. I don't think I've ever had to write that many pager single spaced.

This week has been weird. Work has been slow and that means money has been scarce. I found out on Monday that I am not getting the $500 I thought from financial aid. They still have aid to apply. So I'm just sitting here waiting for money that I should have coming to me. Problem is, I need it now! I'm $50 down this week form what I want to be at. I think I'll still be okay. I just hate money.

Then there was Tuesday. Spending money on bird food, groceries, gas, etc. Watching the cash disappear from my pocket.

Wednesday brought on other feelings. Ones that I am famlilar with but can't effectively describe. It was an HOLLOW feeling. Not in my stomach. It was more in my rib cage. Closer to my heart. A dull ache. Not heart break. Thats more of a stabbing sensation accompanied by the urge to cry until you run dry. No, this was just a kind of "I don't want to do aything because whats the point" sort of feeling. Thoughts cam up...

1. What am I doing with my life?
2. Where am I going?
3. Do I have any goals?
4. If I do, am I doing anything to achieve them?
5. Am I trying hard enough?

This mood inevitabley leads to these thoughts.

1.Will anyone ever love me? (not as depressing as it sounds. I love my family and friends and know that they love me back. This is the love that is shared between eternal companions)
2.Everyone else is getting together and getting married...not me.
3. What am I doing about that? Nothing.
4. Why is it so easy for everyone else in the ward?(it's probably not, but is sure seems that way.)

Then I wonder to myself, do I really want to get married at this point in my life? Do I really think that my eternal companion is going to be in the Columbia Missouri University Ward?

I was sitting in church last Sunday and I happened to look at Carla. She seems happy, but a little frazzled with all the wedding planning going on. Only a couple months to go. I let my mind wander and I had this picture of me standing in a nondescript area with a faceless man on one knee before me proposing marriage. And then I tried to imagine me planning my wedding. The dress, flowers, colors, food, etc. I felt terrified.

No...not terrified. Thats a very strong word. It's just really hard for me to imagine getting married. Maybe that because I have never gone on more than one date with someone before. I have never been in a relationship serious enough for thoughts of weddings to cross my mind. I know I want to get married. I can't wait. And I am so excited to have my own children. I know that Father plans for me to be a mother. But when? I can't see any of the men in the University ward making plans to get to know me better. I see them getting together with the other girls in the ward. And I realize...I need to be trying harder. I can't stand passivly by and wait for someone to come to me. I need to have a more active role in my personal life.

Mom, I know that you've been waiting years for me to admit that. So now I am. There you go. But the thing is, *************************************. (Note to readers. The next two sentences have been stricken from the original post because they were angry words that I didn't really mean and portrayed my thoughts unclearly.) There aren't many guys in the ward and of those guys there are only a few I could ever see being more than just friends. Ug. Part of me wishes I was graduated and moved to some other area doing research or something and then I cold meet some new people. And don't tell me that I need to be attending more dances or YSA conferences. It's not my scene. And I firmly believe that I will not be finding my eternal companion at a church dance.

Alright. I'm done ranting. I tend to ramble when it's been more than a week since my last post.

Time to prepare for this presentation. Spend some time with my birds. Maybe let them tire themselves out a little before I bring them before the class. I'M SO NERVOUS!!!

By the time most of you read this, I will probably be done. But wish me luck if you read this before 12:30pm today.



Steven said...

Good Luck....after the fact?

Okay, so is this one of those moments where offering you advice is to be therapy for my own current personal weirdness? Maybe. We'll see.

First of all, I'm pretty sure dances are NOT meant for eternal hook-ups. I think they're meant to make people feel uncomfortable. The girls feel uncomfortable, because all they want to do is dance, and they want the guys, yes, those guys standing against the wall, to ask them to dance. But only the hot guys. Yet only the weird guys with bad acne and smelly armpits seem to have the gusto required to ask the girls to dance.

And the guys feel uncomfortable because they don't want to dance, they just want to skip right to the flirting and making out, but only with the hot girls. Yet by standing against the wall, they simply encourage an invitation to dance by the exact people with whom they want to avoid dancing.

See, there are two groups of people at dances (each of which is divided by gender, therefore making four total groups). There are the Wallflowers and the Dancing Queens. The Wallflowers are convinced they are cooler than the party and only want to enjoy the party with the people they deem fit to enjoy a party with, namely the Wallflowers of the opposite sex. The Dancing Queens (or kings, I guess) go out and shake shake shake, regardless of what anyone thinks. And so the Dancing Queens, more often than not comprising the less "cool" people at the dance, have more fun.

No, it's not a perfect diagram- there are many sub-classes (like the Geeks, who hate to dance but aren't "cool" enough for the Wallflowers, or the Snackers, who hang perilously close to the cookies and generic-brand soda). There is even some intermingling. Like Wallflowers (mostly girls) who like to dance and dance anyway.

The point is, the only time there is the social contact intended by dances in terms of potential (but not really) budding romance is slow dances. And let's face it: there is no slow song with appropriate lyrics what isn't played to DEATH at church dances (examples: something by Rascal Flats, that "Take My Breath Away" Top Gun song that drives me into a berserk and murderous rage, or "Butterfly Kisses"- apparently a Christian song?).

Long story short, I never liked dances either. Unless I had a girlfriend. Which of course made the un-spoken-for people uncomfortable. So nuts to dances. There are so many more entertaining and productive social interactions. Like Supernatural/Smallville parties at Deener's and Scooter's (Kevin and Scott, in case nicknames confused you).

Steven said...

Okay, I had to separate into two coments because my first one was so long (but I'm proud of how creative I got).

As per marriage/dating and what not- a few thoughts (hopefully more abridged than my first attempt.

Guys and girls have different responsibilities in the marriage thing. I don't know if anyone has told you, but I learned this on the mission, and it has been substantiated by others here at home. That said, don't teach it in Sunday School.

Men have the most responsibility when it comes to marriage and finding a companion. I even go so far as to say it is a priesthood responsibility. As best I understand, a woman's prime responsibility in this matter is to keep herself attractive and beautiful, both spiritually and physically, which you have in spades. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your brother.

That said, being proactive is a good idea. A great idea, even. Just because you're already beautiful and spiritual doesn't mean you sit around tapping tables and countertops, waiting for some guy to realize the ball is in his court.

And honestly, I've been in the University Ward, and it's a real possibility there are no guys to whom you feel a draw that indicates possible interest.

I think I've said before, Tamara was unexpected. I didn't see her coming for miles. Before we dated, what I told myself as to why I wasn't looking for a girlfriend is that there was no one in the ward to whom I was strongly drawn, physically or spiritually. With girls I liked or dated before, I found myself trying to find time, reasons to ask them out on a date. I would examine my schedule to try and find holes which I could fill with dates with these girls. Before Tamara came along, there was no such girl in the ward. And I feel confident I wasn't just being lazy or sheepish.

So when I learned Tamara was actually interested in going on a date with me, it was a real breath of fresh air.

Moral of the Story: Do your part, which you're already doing, and don't despair. Your greatest desire is coming, the Lord knows it, and you know it. The Lord just knows more about it, so wait in Him- that's something that never fails.

Hang in there, sis- we're gonna have an uber-fun Friday, the car ride and all (despite the LotR concert theme, I'm bringing the Dark Knight soundtrack for us all to bask in).

Jeanne, the mom and grandmom said...

Great comments, Steven. And, I want it to be know I did not prod Steven to say all that he said. (psst, the check is in the mail, boy)

Julina said...

First of all, you know my feelings on the whole "single" situation...

Second, I think Steven and I should team up to give "anti-dance" presentations to all the YSA committees out there, don't you?

Third - we got so involved in our other conversation on Thurs, I didn't even think about the birds - feel free to call and let me know how it went :-)

Fourth - hope you had an awesome! weekend. Love you (but you knew that already ;-)

emily said...

I know I'm too old and married for you to believe me when I tell you-- I completely know how you are feeling. I have BEEN THERE.

So... with no solutions or cool answers to offer, I just wish you PEACE.... A small measure of peace, to get through this achy time. I love you.

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