Butterflies...10 awesome points if you can name what order of insect they are.
These beautiful insects may be a delight to see in the real world. It's when your about to give a 12 minute presentation on bird banding that they become a problem.
I've given presentations before. I've had to teach a class for nearly an hour. I am doing basically the same thing here. So I am used to the churning that comes with that. What I am really nervous about is getting through the presentation and passing of the birds without them getting loose. I know the class would get a kick out of it. But it would waste time and my T.A. would not be pleased about that. And no matter how funny it is to other people, I would still be very embarrassed. I kept thinking last night that there had to be something I could slip into the birds water to make the lethargic this morning. Isn't that horrible?
This is not a good feeling. I'm not excited. I just want to get it over with. Get through it without making a fool of myself. I'll let you all know how it goes later.
In the mean time I have Supernatural to look forward to tonight!! I can not tell you how excited I am. And that makes me a little sad. I don't like to admit that one of my very favorite shows is on the CW. Sigh. Oh well. I have to record it because I wont be there to watch it. Stupid One Voice.
Then there is the Lord of the Rings concert tomorrow night! That's exciting.
Man I am such a NERD! I'm not embarrassed by it. It just hits me sometimes.
So the homework pile is coming pretty close to crushing me this semester. And it's only in one class. I have things to worry about in others, but nothing compared to Ecosystem Management. This class really was engineered to prepare you for the professional world. I have to read at least 6-7 papers, two of which are 25 pages and over. One of them is 45 pages. Then I have to type 5- 8 pages single spaced on what I learned from these papers. There is no lack of content to work with. It's just getting it to all sound good together and not become repetitive. Oy. I don't think I've ever had to write that many pager single spaced.
This week has been weird. Work has been slow and that means money has been scarce. I found out on Monday that I am not getting the $500 I thought from financial aid. They still have aid to apply. So I'm just sitting here waiting for money that I should have coming to me. Problem is, I need it now! I'm $50 down this week form what I want to be at. I think I'll still be okay. I just hate money.
Then there was Tuesday. Spending money on bird food, groceries, gas, etc. Watching the cash disappear from my pocket.
Wednesday brought on other feelings. Ones that I am famlilar with but can't effectively describe. It was an empty...no HOLLOW feeling. Not in my stomach. It was more in my rib cage. Closer to my heart. A dull ache. Not heart break. Thats more of a stabbing sensation accompanied by the urge to cry until you run dry. No, this was just a kind of "I don't want to do aything because whats the point" sort of feeling. Thoughts cam up...
1. What am I doing with my life?
2. Where am I going?
3. Do I have any goals?
4. If I do, am I doing anything to achieve them?
5. Am I trying hard enough?
This mood inevitabley leads to these thoughts.
1.Will anyone ever love me? (not as depressing as it sounds. I love my family and friends and know that they love me back. This is the love that is shared between eternal companions)
2.Everyone else is getting together and getting married...not me.
3. What am I doing about that? Nothing.
4. Why is it so easy for everyone else in the ward?(it's probably not, but is sure seems that way.)
Then I wonder to myself, do I really want to get married at this point in my life? Do I really think that my eternal companion is going to be in the Columbia Missouri University Ward?
I was sitting in church last Sunday and I happened to look at Carla. She seems happy, but a little frazzled with all the wedding planning going on. Only a couple months to go. I let my mind wander and I had this picture of me standing in a nondescript area with a faceless man on one knee before me proposing marriage. And then I tried to imagine me planning my wedding. The dress, flowers, colors, food, etc. I felt terrified.
No...not terrified. Thats a very strong word. It's just really hard for me to imagine getting married. Maybe that because I have never gone on more than one date with someone before. I have never been in a relationship serious enough for thoughts of weddings to cross my mind. I know I want to get married. I can't wait. And I am so excited to have my own children. I know that Father plans for me to be a mother. But when? I can't see any of the men in the University ward making plans to get to know me better. I see them getting together with the other girls in the ward. And I realize...I need to be trying harder. I can't stand passivly by and wait for someone to come to me. I need to have a more active role in my personal life.
Mom, I know that you've been waiting years for me to admit that. So now I am. There you go. But the thing is, *************************************. (Note to readers. The next two sentences have been stricken from the original post because they were angry words that I didn't really mean and portrayed my thoughts unclearly.) There aren't many guys in the ward and of those guys there are only a few I could ever see being more than just friends. Ug. Part of me wishes I was graduated and moved to some other area doing research or something and then I cold meet some new people. And don't tell me that I need to be attending more dances or YSA conferences. It's not my scene. And I firmly believe that I will not be finding my eternal companion at a church dance.
Alright. I'm done ranting. I tend to ramble when it's been more than a week since my last post.
Time to prepare for this presentation. Spend some time with my birds. Maybe let them tire themselves out a little before I bring them before the class. I'M SO NERVOUS!!!
By the time most of you read this, I will probably be done. But wish me luck if you read this before 12:30pm today.
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