Monday, October 13, 2008

Darkshines

Courtesy of Muse

A good song for today. Cloudy for the most part. And WARM. Thats what brings me down the most.

I already hate Mondays, but if it were a Monday with some of the Autumn chill I could survive it. No such luck I suppose.

Some good news is that my Ecosystem Management professor realized just how crazy he is having us write 6-8 pages single spaced. Our learning objectives are now to be 1-2 pages doubles spaced and our case reports are to be 5-6 pages double spaced. Thank goodness he saw reason.

My dependency on familiarity fascinates me. I alsmot always take the same way to a location even if there may be a shorter way. I sit in the same seat in classes and in the same area in church. I feel uncomfortable if I dont have a person in class that I can talk to. So I form these 'classroom' relationships with them that never extend past the 50 minute incraments we spend in the same area. At the end of the semester I never talk to them again with the exception of a few...and thats only because we consistently have classes together. It's a very superficial practice. And I need it to feel comfrotable.

I realized many things about myself this weekend. Some of them I already knew. Others were revealed to me by my little sis. These are the 10 bigger ones.

1.I am a martyr in the worst way.
2.I am greatly affected by the emothions of those around me.
3.Because of #2 I have tendancy to try to make everyone happy...which makes me #1.
4.I am hippocritical...but arent we all just a little bit?
5.I cant let some people go, no matter how many times I tell myself that I have. (this one has nothing to do with the last 4...it's just an annoying fact. I wonder if you can guess who I'm talking about?)
6.I like to talk things out, not let the words unspoken stew and fester.
7.I dont like to be in the dark when it comes to how people are feeling.
8.I do have a tendancy to get deffensive.
9.I really hate to feel stupid. I get most deffensive and hurt when someone implies that I did something dumb or embarassing.
10.Though it may not appear that way, I am entirely too vain and materialistic.

It's painful to realize these things about myself. On the other hand, it gives me a chance to work on them and become a better person.

Monday(classes, work, end of weekend)+warm cloudy day=Sarah in a little bit of a funk.

One of those days where I wonder...

Who are my real friends? (My family, undoubtably. Thanks for that guys)
Am I trying hard enough?
Where is my second half and why is he being so elusive?
How can things ever be good again, the way the world is going?

Then I remember...

Just becase I am not the center of the social niverse doen not mean that I am friendless. Some friends come and go, others will be there forever. This is the way of life.

Maybe I dont try hard enough, but that just leaves room for lots of improvement. I;m not lost yet.

Someday I will find that man who completes me, who I will love and laugh with. I cant know when that is. And even though my heart aches for it now, I know that when I we are together it will be worth the wait.

The world is not a perfect place. It's falling deeper into dispair. But there are good things and there is hope. The world has to fall deepre before it can finally reach the glory that it will. And when that day comes, I will be ready.

2 comments:

Peeser said...

SArah, I'm right there with you. Mondays are always a little more difficult to face... I somehow wish Sunday would last just a little bit longer...

And I wish I could help heal the heartache of single-ness. All I can say is I know more or less how you feel (I can't read your mind or heart, though, so I can't say I know *exactly* how you feel, but I could probably come pretty close), and I am always here to talk to if you need me...

And finally, if you are "hippocritical," does that mean you are critical of hippos? ;)

(Okay, so one of my major flaws is that I often correct people, and, even worse, I usually *enjoy* it... I guess that is part of why I am a teacher, but I know it tends to get on others' nerves... and yet, I still have a hard time resisting...)

Love ya- see you in just a few days!

emily said...

on the one hand, I ache for you to be so full of yearning for "him" at such a young age-- because I felt it, and felt it DEEPLY, for YEARS. Which means you could possibly have YEARS of that ache in front of you. And that makes me sad.

On the other hand, your hope and idealism in general are so good, and you DO deserve all the joy in this world. And We'll all be okay. We will.

Love you.

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