On The Big Picture

I was writing a letter to a friend today and went of on a metaphorical tangent about what people call "the big picture".

What came out was a little odd, but it got me thinking...

Here is what I wrote to her.

"You've just become re-acquainted with something adults like to call "The Big Picture". Personally, 'still-wishing-she-were-a-college-student-so-she-doesn't-have-to-deal-with-real-life' Sarah says the big picture is over rated. And hard to lug around (bear with me while I go into a metaphor)

"It's so much easier to carry around little wallet sized pictures of life. And you can take them out and show your friends and be excited about the moment. There's nothing worse than the question "what are your plans for down the road?" or "what do you see yourself doing in a couple years?". Those, to me, aren't very fair questions. They force you to haul out this massive painting that's incomplete. There's a tiny square in the middle which is complete and beautiful but everything else is light pencil sketches so they can be erased and changed later."

I went on to tell her that it's important to be aware of the big picture but you don't have to lug it around with you all the time.

It's important to plan for the future. But looking down that "road" people ask about is not a easy as you might think. If it were one of those straight country roads that go on forever-like the ones you find in the Midwest-sure. No problem. But it's more like the roads out here in Maine. They say things like "Highway 73 South" but there are all these sharp turns and all of a sudden the road whips into another direction. So even though you are still on 73 south you are really going west. With all those unpredictable twists and turn's it really is impossible to see more than several steps ahead of you. And even more impossible to guess where those steps are taking you.

We all know the end of the road. Where it eventually leads. But it's when I am asked to think about the in between that I come upon a block.

Back to that picture. There are many things I would love to happen in the next 5 years. And so I have taken my pencil and put some very rough and vague sketches of my planned life next to all the parts of the picture that are already painted. Here I might paint a location, or a person standing next to me. But that person has no face, no distinguishing features. There are loving hands all around me but I can't make out any other features. And that's all just in the immediate vicinity of the tiny square that is my present. The majority of the big picture is empty canvas. Barren. Terrifying.

Don't get my wrong. I know that we all need to keep the big picture close. Take it out every once in a while and try to fill in that blank space. We need to keep our eyes glued to that road so that we don't make any wrong turns. But when you ask me where I see myself in 5 years, don't expect much. I don't have a pair of 5 year glasses. When I try to look that far ahead I am blind. Filled only with vague ambitions and hopes. I'm living in the present and focusing on that small picture that is the year 2011.

Check back with me in 5 years and I'll tell you what I am doing. Otherwise, expect me to make up something that sounds good because that's what I'll do.

On finding familiarity and role playing

Time has a way of fooling you, and fooling you often. The days are short and you feel like they rush past you, leaving you out of breath and frayed with loose ends. The weeks seem to be next to nothing in that context. Each day moves on until suddenly it's Wednesday. Hump day. And then Thursday, the day before the ever wonderful Friday. And then you have your weekend and it's back to the grind.

So why does it feel like I have been here for a month?

Things have become familiar already. Routine. The drive to and from work. Passing the same stores, learning the lights and the turn lanes. Sadie in, Sadie out. Breakfast at the same time every morning. Nightly ritual. Where the strongest internet signal is at my house.

What I first do when I get into work is the same every day too. Checking all e-mail accounts (I have 4 now) and all other forms of social media. Then outlining who needs to be e-mailed and called.

Lunch at noon.

I've taken to listening to WBACH-Main's classical station-when I am in the car.

There are sheets of notebook paper littered all around my car. Directions to the many places I have had to get to. Church, Waterville, Augusta, Belfast, Sister Sisco's house, etc.

I keep my car keys in my coat pocket. All the time. That way I know they will always be there.

I've started wearing my drumline necklace every day again. I don't know why, for sure.

I listen to my "soundtrack" station on Pandora every day also.

While I eat breakfast, and right before I leave, I read. I just finished "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". I am now on "The Screwtape Letters".

I still find myself crunching ice every morning and evening.

In some other news that might be a little more interesting, I got to be a character in a role playing game yesterday.

It's not what you think. I was not a wizard, or a minion, or even an elf.

This was a historic role play. There is this after school organization called The Game Loft and they encourage learning history through role playing. So there I was, dumped in the middle of this story I knew nothing about. Well, I knew a little about it.

The year was 1969. Henry Chandler is a young man, recently turned 18, who has a somewhat dysfunctional family. He has a brother who has been in prison, one who has fled to Canada to avoid the draft, and a father who was a member of the KKK. He registered for the draft, got his physical, and at the last minute refused to go to war. He is now on trial for this unlawful act.

I played Mary Helen Folsom, daughter of the man who was head of the draft board who selected Henry. Dr. Folsom is apparently always the bad guy. I'm friends with Henry and so am sympathetic to his plight. The performance was done in front of a walk in audience.

It was really interesting to hear both sides. On one hand, Henry was simply being irresponsible. On the other, how fair is the draft really? We ended up having a discussion circle and there were some very interesting opinions.

Many agree with draft, but an equal one. One that no one can get out of. Even more said that war is not ideal and neither is a draft, but there are times when it's needed to swell the ranks in the fight for a good cause.

The best was this musician who preformed earlier in the day. He is a Vietnam veteran. He was drafted. He has PTSD. And he is a wonderful performer. His songs were powerful. He had some good thoughts towards the draft and war and the like. This was such an amazing learning experience for me! And I hope that the kids as much out of it was I did!

I am so glad that I signed up.

Even better was that since this was a RPG club, all the kids were super nerdy. I ALMOST felt right at home. ALMOST. I could follow the Star Wars conversations, but I was never a RPG person and so they were still a little too nerdy for me to identify with them completely.

That was my Monday. A different day in the midst of many days that are the same. Like today.

Familiarity is good. It makes things sure. Comfortable. Easier.

Stagnation is what I fear.

On Images of Merryspring (among others)

Let's get this picture party STARTED!

Here is the spring at Merryspring. And my reflection in it. It's kind of out of the way and hard to find, but pretty neat.

There it is again!

Here you can see a little bit of the stream it supplies to.

This fungus pretty much rules the school. I should have done a hand shot but it was bigger than my hand.

And again.

Underside! Look! There is a stick growing through it. Or rather the mushroom grew around a stick!

Then there's the Merryspring vernal pool, all frozen over for the winter.

Found this at a used bookstore in Hallowell, Maine. Anyone remember this one?

I wish I could remember WHERE this one was. But it really made me smile.

Can ANYONE tell me that they remember this book??? I do and I don't know where from! Is it an old family book? Or maybe one from school.

Lastly-SADIE. In her new home. Awwww! She's gonna need a haircut soon.

So there you have it. A little picture journey. I hope you enjoyed!

On little details

There is this Tree. A Christmas tree. Just as you are driving into Rockland on 73 going north. And it looks like this.

Look closely. Closer. Yeah. That's right. It's a Christmas tree made of green lobster crates (complete with colorful buoy's), seaweed (It may or may not be real), and to top it all off, a bright red lobstah (not misspelled, according to the locals here) holding up a golden star. Yep. That's what greets me every morning as I come around the bend driving to work. It is the best thing I have ever seen.

EVER.

I don't have a microwave. I thought this wouldn't be a big deal. It's not, really. But you don't really miss the microwave until you don't have one. I can't make the microwave popcorn that I have. I made tune helper the other night and I can't eat it at home because I have no way of reheating it. So I can only eat it at work where there is a microwave. I can't buy microwaveable meals. No big loss there except I bought several recently because they were fast, easy, and cheap. It's all the little things. I miss having a microwave.

Every other day, there is this little stand set up on the side of the road on a small bridge on highway 1. There, out of the back of his truck, a man sells seafood. Fish, shrimp, lobster, scallops, etc. I wonder if more stands like this pop up in the spring. I think it's wonderful. And as a side note, you have not tasted good shrimp until you have tasted fresh Maine shrimp. I'm talking caught the previous day fresh. Sure, it's early in shrimp season and they are mite small (like popcorn shrimp) but I've never tasted a sweeter and more melt in your mouth shrimp in my life.

There are countless natural food markets here. Well, I CAN count them. There are at least half a dozen on my 15 minute drive to work. I want to stop by them all. I just don't know if any of them take food stamps. I can only imagine that coastal Maine is BOMBARDED by farmers markets in the summer. I can't WAIT!

Um...so those are a couple little details. More to follow later. Hopefully with pictures.

On my first Friday at my new job

Little Yorkie Sadie does this thing when she is excited. She loves to roll over on her back and have you rub her belly and she loves to burrow her face into couches.

Right now, when I think of my job and the work I am going to be doing, that's all I want to do.

Burrow my face in the figurative couch that is Merryspring Nature Center.

Or I imagine myself running outside and rampaging in the snow.

Of course, as I talk about being at a new job and LOVING it I am blogging at it.

Don't worry, I'm on my required lunch break.

I do actually have a lot of things I need to do today but in a good way. Tasks that are not daunting. Just little odds and ends to start off my position here. Phone calls, e-mails, rifling through papers, that kind of thing.

Even when the real work begins, I think I am going to LOVE it!

I AM pretty excited about the weekend, though. Yes, I have to do laundry but I am going to wash it at home and then take it to the laundromat to dry to save money (Bonnie says her dryer is old and barely functional). I am going to go to Good Will and see if they have any cheap squashy chairs for my room. I am going to find a baby cage to keep Sadie in the kitchen. I am going to explore Owls Head. There is a transportation museum that is very neat, I hear.

I am going to go to my branch for the first time (now that I finally worked out how to get there).

I am going to watch Lord of the Rings.

I am going to read.

I am going to have a great weekend. My first real weekend in Maine!

On First Impressions (Maine, Merryspring, and My New Place/Roommate)

Every time I come out to the New England I find something new to love.

I loved Rhode Island and New Hampshire for different reasons.

I have a feeling I am going to LOVE Maine.

Well, yes it's cold. Yes mostly everything is frozen and dormant. Yes, I live near a busy road.

I could try to look at all the bad things. But what would that accomplish?

I can leap out my window and touch ocean! (Not really).

I live in a large house that, though a little old and creaky, has a kind of charm to it.

I live with a woman who loves Sadie and who Sadie has already started acclimating to.

I work at a nature center which is a non-profit organization dedicated to the enrichment and education of the community. They are relaxed and easy going. No bureaucracy, no red tape, just a goal and people who are passionate about reaching it.

Can I pause for a moment? I just need to say how much I love Hans Zimmer and his instrumentation in The Lion King soundtrack. Really. How emotionally fulfilling is that movie?

Back on task.

I was feeling pretty lonely at first. It was just me, Sadie, and a woman neither of us knew very well. It was me and my unfamiliar room full of familiar things. It was uncertainty and doubt.

Then I went to Orientation and found reasons not to feel lonely. (The food there was amazing, by the way). I made connections with other MCC environmental educators. Some of them live pretty close to me. I may not be living in the woods with 30 other people, but I am not alone. And I haven't even started making church connections yet.

The past week has taught me that in order to make it through the feelings of being alone in Maine, I have to make an effort to connect. To befriend. To interact.

I can't be the little wallflower who wont speak unless spoken to. I know that if I fall back into my introverted pattern 100% of the time my experience here will be pretty miserable.

Merryspring is covered in snow, but that snow will melt. In the meantime, I get to contact speakers for Tuesday Talks and organize winter activities. I will become very familiar with writing press releases. I will pretty much work at my own pace and do what I can to maintain traditional practices and introduce new ideas at this beautiful little nature center. It feels so official to be THE Environmental Educator at Merryspring. I am so excited.

Though Bonnie still hasn't worked out getting wireless internet, the Rockland public Library is really close (now that I finally found it). It's in this lovely old building well maintained. There is a common room with a fireplace!

I met one of Bonnie's friends last night. He was a really nice guy! A character. He likes to drive across the country taking pictures and writing in journals. I wish that I weren't just starting the professional part of my life. I would LOVE to do that. And Bonnie herself is such a free spirit. She lived in South America for a time and has been a designer her whole life. She loves NPR and reading news magazines. She loves making dinner and entertaining people. She is a nice lady and a free spirit.

I still feel lonely at times. But I've been here less than a week. What can I expect? But even more so than New Hampshire, I imagine finding myself in Maine. Either that, or I will retreat into myself and never leave my room except to work.

But all first impressions tell me the following: This is going to be a challenge. I am not an extrovert but I find that the more I try, the more outgoing I can be. There is a lot to be done at Merryspring but they aren't going to let me crash and burn without any help. I'm going to be poor but I am already finding ways to work past that. I can look past the cold grayness of winter that covers everything and see how I will fall in love with this place once spring comes around (not that I'm not starting to fall in love with it now. It's just had with it being so cold and harsh).

I know it's winter and I have a while, but I can't wait for all of you to come and visit! I will have so much to share with you.

On Javier and a Journey

I got a new car. A gold 1999 Saturn SL2 (the same exact model as Alice only 3 years younger) As advised by Emily and Kirsten his name is Javier. I have to say, I didn't like it at first (I knew a Javier in school and this car looks nothing like him). But as I have driven him, it's grown on me.

Alice is now to property of Top Quality motors. After three years of faithful service, she has earned some time off. She got me to New Hampshire and back with no problems. She almost always got me where I needed to go. Remember the broken windshield? And the passenger footwell lakes? Remember the leaky roof? Scraping frost off the inside of the windshield? She may not sound like a joy to drive, but she was my first car and I loved her for every quirk. And I miss her manual transmission.

That's right. I'm back to an automatic. Javier insists on doing all the work and not letting me contribute to the driving. He has a tendency to drift to the left. He has a hard time getting up to speed on hills. And he grumbles a little when getting up to 70mph after a break at a rest stop or gas station. But he seems sturdy enough and has plenty of room. He also has an annoying security system. As if he has something to protect. Hah!

The process was stressful, let me tell you. I really wanted Alice 2.0-A 2005 Saturn Ion. Manual transmission. Black. A nice little car with one big problem. It was a salvage vehicle. Everything was going to be great. I was going to get a trade in on my old car, I was going to get a great deal with the bank (good interest, good monthly payment) and then we called Allstate. They would not insure the car. And with only 2 more days to get this whole thing taken care of I had no time to look for a new insurance provider.

So, Javier it is. I just hope he proves to be as sturdy in New England as Alice was. She was a real trooper.

I wont go into all the other little disasters that happened as I was trying to get this whole car things worked out. Just know that I never want to have to car search under a 5 day time crunch ever again.

In other news, I'm in Maine.

Yup.

Back in the North East.

I am currently using the spotty internet stolen from some neighbor who has wireless. It fades in and out. Sadie took the trip fairly well. Only one vomit. She does NOT like the car and would get super excited any time we pulled over.

I cannot BELIEVE how long it seems to take to get to Lafayette! Sorry Juli. I LOVE staying at your place but the last hour or so on the country highway takes FOR-EV-ER. Or maybe it just seems to when it's late, I'm tired, and I can only go 55mph. Oh well, I got there. Good times with Juli. Good breakfast! She made Strata. And then it was the longest solo drive of my LIFE. Boy, I tell you what. Over 12 hours, several stops, and a nap later I finally rolled into my hotel. It wasn't the nicest place in the world but it was sufficient for the price and for one night. I barely stayed awake for the ball dropping and then went to sleep.

And then it was a less long, less horrid drive through the rest of New York, into Mass., Through East New Hampshire and finally into Maine. It was wonderful to see "...mountains again, MOUNTAINS, Gandalf!" hehe.

Google maps fails. No big surprise there. Having looked at where I live with Emily on Google maps we had determined that the white house you could see from the road was NOT in fact where I was going to live and that the house had to be hidden behind the trees. Going on this, I tried to find the house behind the trees. It wasn't there. I could see the studio where Bonnie works but not a house. I saw a run down small thing that looked un-inviting. I was afraid that it was where I was going to live. But I finally called Bonnie and the directions she gave me led right to that house visible from the street that Google maps said was the wrong house.

I did a little moving in at first but not much.

I was tired.

I was sure to take Sadie out as much as possible. I brought my bedding up. Now I'm here.

P.S. I am finishing this post several days after I started it. I just wanted to break my update posts into smaller chunks. So a post will follow this one shortly on my orientation experience and thoughts on my first several days here.