So I have been writing a lot of entries on my "creative" blog. Most of them are entries of old poems and writings I wrote in 2004 and 2005. The years of angst. Remember this post? Yeah.
As I was transcribing one I thought to myself that is was a good bit of writing for how I feel right now and perhaps even better for some people that I know who are going through a hard time.
A Wish To Be Empty - 11-30-2004
I want to take my heart out with a paper spoon and spread it on a page of life. I want to eat my emotions with an unfeeling heart of fire. I want to exit my life with all the confidence of a newborn child. Why must my knowledge contain all that I never wanted to know? And now I am here with a soul made of fountains. Overwhelmed with the notion of life. Being filled with nothing but tears. I lie all alone with my naked heart lying vulnerable on the floor.
And I stare and see...nevermore. Reason seems to lose itself.
This next one is dedicated to a sister who may not know just how much her experience with Math reminds me of my own experiences of Math in college. College Math is challenging. Even if you feel you KNOW it and GET it, the tests never MAKE SENSE. At lest they didn't for me.
Kirsti, this one is for you.
Ode to a Math Class - 9/23/2005
Stifled by the clenching fist of failure.
A cold hard wind blows
Stings my eyes
Making me blind.
Straining so hard to succeed only to be beat back each and every time.
Bloody and weakened, I try again.
Gathering my reserve to have the strength to fight.
But once again, assailed by my weakness, I am left behind.
Weak and bloodied, I crawl my way back to battle.
But, to weak to care, I receive the final blow.
I fall. I fail.
Stifled by the clenching fist of failure.
I felt a lot, and very strongly in those days.
I feel strongly these days too but I don't share those emotions with paper as much as I used to. Mostly I keep them inside or journal them in childish sounding sentences.
Here are some things I am feeling right now. Not said in flowery verse or wording, but in plain phrases. Honest phrases.
I feel like I wanted this so much. I wanted to badly to be here, in Maine, working at a nature center. And now to feel that I am unhappy seems selfish. Ungrateful. I feel a little excused because when I decided that YES I wanted to do this and I was going to accept the position (I remember the exact moment. It was right after whale watching and right before delicious dinner walking through Gloucester, MA) I knew that I was going to have Sadie with me and that made me SO excited.
I feel like I am being irrational when I think to myself "dang, Bonnie is home." when I pull into the driveway. I think this mostly when she said she might be gone for the evening and then ISN'T gone for the evening. I've lived with people before but never felt so strongly this aversion to the person I am living with. It's not even anything in particular really. I don't HATE that she does one thing or the other. There isn't ONE thing that bothers me so much I can't stand it (unless it's that she made me send Sadie home but I am over that...mostly...). It's a bunch of little things. I've watched movies with her. But I don't like doing it. How hard is it to just sit there and watch a movie with someone? Not very. But with her, I can't do it. I still haven't watched "The Triplets of Bellville" because I didn't want to watch it with her. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
I feel that I would be so much happier and joyful if I knew that I didn't have to live in this house with this person until November. Even if I live here for 3 or 4 more months, I think I could stand and stomach it if I thought I might be able to get out of it early and move somewhere else in the summer. Instead I just think to myself that I need to take it a day at a time. Forget who I am living with and remember that the rent is perfect. And that I can see the ocean from my bathroom window, and as I look down the street.
I feel like so far this job is not what I was expecting. And not in a good way. New Hampshire wasn't what I was expecting in a GLORIOUS way. Here, I feel there isn't enough to keep me busy so that I can forget how dull things are. My life feels boring.
I know that a lot of this is because it's February. I believe that it will be easier to deal with my living situation once things warm up and I am surrounded by the beauty of spring. Also, it would mean that R/L (was it HERE that I said I would start referring to Bonnie as R/L - which stands for roommate/landlady ?) will stop complaining about the winter. Yes, I KNOW it's a pain that everything is thawing just enough to be icy. It IS annoying that we have to back down to the bottom of the road in order to get enough momentum to make it up the icy hill that is our road. Yeah, cold weather IS NOT ideal. But she won't quit complaining about it and it's starting to wear on me.
There you have it. Some honesty. Feelings of me on the now.
Happy middle of February.
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