On The Fact That Things Can Only Get Better

Prepare yourself for pictures and then some.

First, lets take a trip down memory lane. Remember that one time, on my last blog entry, when I mentioned how things aren't prefect? I listed details like the cold weather, the general pallor R/L casts on my life's complexion, etc.

Then, I provided pictures that showed that I have no problem looking at the bright side of things.

There are always little joys to brighten your day. Especially if that little joy is an orange owl made out of small raisin box.

This week, however, it has been harder to look at happy things.

Maybe because there weren't many.

Let me reflect on the negative, just for a LITTLE bit so that I can get it out of my system and then I will move on to why today was so JOYFUL.

First, I still live in Owls Head. For ONE MORE WEEK. Yeah, I guess this week wasn't any worse than the week previous. But there were a couple of letter wars.

Yes, I mean a war where I would write a letter and R/L would deface it with angry words.

And she STILL treats me like a child.

But that doesn't matter. I am out of here as of next Saturday.

Then there is work. Lately it has been discouragement after discouragement. Things are not ideal. Merryspring seemed so charming on the outside. A cute little garden/nature center. Dog park. What not. But deep within the bowls of this place it is dark, dank, and dreary. Name that quote! Okay you probably can't so...if you wanna see the kind of nerd I am, go HERE and go to 6:09.

But it's time to focus on the past three days, all of which have been restorative to my heart, soul, and mind.

This week was supposed to be the Spring Ecology Camp. But since we only had two participants we had to cut it down to three days instead of 5. This was a frustration. Then I met the two girls (and their one friend who joined them for one of the days). The three mornings we spent together were magical and soul healing.

From left: Lerah, Meridith, Iris with their pet rocks they made.

Iris, Lerah, and Meridith spend some quiet reflection time at the spring to write in their nature journals.

Meridith, Lerah, and Iris chow down on their apples!

Day 3, Meridith and Iris (the two regular girls who did the camp last year and are twin sisters) clear back branches from a trail.

The dead and fallen tree we finally moved off of the trail. It took us and hour and 1/2 but we finally did it together! I can't believe we did! I was going to leave it as too hard to do by hand (something they could chainsaw later). But they wouldn't have that. So, I am sore and it was REALLY hard but WE DID IT! Yay!

It was actually quite wonderful with it just being those two girls and me. They are both so smart! Iris is a little shy and quiet and Meridith is the complete opposite. She is high energy and chatty! They LOVE being outside and never complained. They were always considerate, kind, and polite! And they never fought and they laughed often. It was PERFECT.

Then, today, the last day we met, the brought me a little surprise. I don't have pictures. But earlier in the week it had come up that my Birthday was on Easter. And at one point they very sneakily asked me what my favorite dessert was. They could work for the FBI they were so good at keeping their little secret and playing the part of the casually interested little girl.

Today they presented me with hand made birthday cards and...

...

Wait for iiiitttt...

A PIE.

When they had asked what my favorite dessert was, I replied pie without any hesitation. Coconut cream, I told them. They tried to apologize for not being able to find a coconut cream. But I was too overcome with gratitude at the whole "berry forest" pie they put into my hands from the local market down the road. It was wonderful.

We then spent the whole day doing trail work and finished up our camp by making toad homes and eating pie. Yes, I ended Lent a couple of days early. But I couldn't not eat a slice for their benefit. It was the perfect end to the day. They hugged me as they said goodbye and promised to visit me soon.

I love those little girls.

Let's travel back in time just a little bit. Last weekend I attended Plants Unlimited's Green Fair. They had animals and live music and vendors and food. It was wonderfully fun! Here are some images from that day.

PAH! Look at that white alpaca! I laugh at this picture every time I look at it.

Awww...and this one is just so CUTE! Seriously. If I ever live on a farm, I want to raise alpaca.

And another one. This one was an attention hog.

Donkey!

Cow!

LAMB!!!

Pony and cow.

CHICKENS!

And the twin bunnies.

Here are a couple other things that make me smile.

This is the birthday present Rachael and Megan (my fellow interpreters and good friends) made me last year. Thanks to Juli, I decided to start putting a lamb and a sun down instead of my name because there was another Sarah there. Everyone thought it was so fun and charming! I have this in my room right now and every now and then I look at it and remember better times.

The next are several images of the poorly crafted Ukrainian egg that I made several weeks ago. It will take some practice to get them looking better, but I want to buy a kit and DO this more! It was so much fun!

NOW, it's time for BUBBLES!

Bubbles are really TOO much fun. The other day, I spent my last 5 minutes of work blowing very large bubbles and taking pictures of them. It was grand, I tell you, GRAND!

Okay, so these ones aren't so large.

BAM! Look at that. Oh, you say you can't tell that it is large because there is not basis of scale? Well then, what about THIS one?

Ah. Same issue. I PROMISE these aren't just normal size bubbles close up!

There we go. It's next to a table. Okay, so they weren't HUGE, but I had a tiny bubble blower. Sue me!

Hah! This was so fun!

Are you a good witch or a bad witch? (I don't know why people ask that of the bubble. It's the woman who comes OUT of the bubble that asks the question, after all.)

And now for something completely different.

I give you...

Geraldo.

This is the little guy I made as the girls were making their pet rocks and pet rock habitats. Isn't he CUTE? I mean it, people. Add googly eyes to ANYTHING and it makes it cuter. I challenge you to name something that WOULDN'T be improved by googly eyes.

Flowers are always cause to smile.

And these non-wild flowers are growing randomly around the vernal pool. Weird.

So sunny and BRIGHT!

According to ALL the locals, this winter was one of the worst in 12 years and this spring has been colder than spring usually is in Maine. So I chose a heck of a year to come here, right? The flowers have only started coming up in the past TWO WEEKS! We're SO behind. STILL no green on the leaves and I have to wear a coat every day.

And in closing, the best lunch I have had in a while.

Cranberry/apple/sunflower seed salad with a raspberry and walnut vinaigrette. Ice water (boring I know, but it's the ICE that's important!). A small pita with garlic and red pepper hummus with feta. And a Fig Newton fruit thin. This one is chocolate raspberry! Not quite a cookie so I am not counting it as being against Lent.

So there you are. Another post reminding me that things aren't as horrible as they could be. And REALLY, in what way could May be any WORSE than the past 4 months?

Things can only get better.

Didn't I link that song a post or two ago? Oh well. It's a great song.

On the Simple Joys of Life

It's been hard focusing on the good things these past four months.

But I just need to keep reminding myself: I'm in MAINE! I have a job to go to every day. I have a Branch full of wonderful and kind people.

Yes, I still have to sleep under two quilts and a blanket at night while wearing a sweatshirt. Yes, the trees still look like winter trees. Yes, I had to write a note to R/L this morning telling here that A) I am going to have to either shower past 9:30 tonight or before 7:30 tomorrow morning and B) to replace the eggs that she used for seemingly no reason from MY eggs (a note about these eggs. They were farm fresh. A gift from a church member. Yes, it was a little selfish but I put them on the "do not use" list. And I know she has been using them. And now I only have one left. So I would just like the ones she used replaced. Is that too much to ask?).

I could dwell on all these things. But not today. Not now.

Today, the sun is shining. I have a strawberry, banana, raspberry smoothie I made myself. I am listening to all my favorite movie soundtracks. I am going to a potluck tonight and before that I am going to unpack the first wave of boxes I brought from Owls Head into my new home in Camden. I get to work with kids again tomorrow.

Today, things are just fine.

These are images. Fragments of the simple joys in my life right now.

Two weekends ago, if you remember me blogging about it, I met up with Ruth. We walked to the Breakwater Light House. Here it is from the entrance to the park on the rocky beach before the start of the path to the lighthouse.

This is the start of the path. Let me tell you, it looked a lot easier until you got here and saw how FAR AWAY it was!

This is about half way. GAH! It seemed that it wasn't getting any closer! Not to mention the WIND! It was cold and the strong winds kept blowing waves against the stone path so that we were constantly sprayed with frigid sea water.

But eventually we made it! I admit that these pictures of it are horrible. I don't know why I didn't get any better pictures...oh, wait. My camera died before I could. Ruth has some better ones. Oh well. This site might give you some better pictures.

You couldn't go or even SEE inside. Everything was boarded up.

This is one view of the cove from the lighthouse.

And another.

This is seriously, the best angle you can get of the LIGHT part of the lighthouse unless you are taking pictures from a boat.

I know you can barely see the mainland, but there is Owls Head and Rockland. I can see this lighthouse from the bathroom window at R/L's house.

Here's a little view of how far we came from the mainland.

Now time to move one to something COMPLETELY different.

I had this mini boxes of Sunmaid raisins. I took them home, instead of throwing them away because I thought that maybe I could do something crafty with them.

This is what I came up with.

Hee! I call this one "The General". Googly eyes, a nose, and a mustache. What's not to love?

Another mustached specimen. This guy is "The Sheriff". He really needs a hat.

These guys were the first two that I made.

Then I started getting more ideas.
"The Genius"
This guy makes me giggle. And the best part? For some reason, the black center of his left eye stays at the top of the eye instead of moving around to the bottom. So he has this constant "loopy" look going on. He would not look nearly as cute were this not the case.



This is "Bloop".

This guy has such a mean looking face I felt like he needed a name that showed his real personality. So I went with "Mr. Giggles."

(P.S. Elise, do you recognize the tissue paper you used in your lat care package to me? Because that's what I used to give these guys color)

Here they all are. The original crew. I have since given "The General" to Bonnie, and both "The Sheriff" and "The Genius" to our Young Women's president who is going through a tough time.

This next one is my FAVORITE!!! Those of you on twitter and Facebook have already seen this guy.

This is Whoo.

I made him during a Young Women's activity where I taught the girls how to make these little fun friends. They had a lot of fun. I wish I'd had my camera so I could have taken photos of theirs.

Whoo is just a bright little ray of sunshine anywhere he is placed. He currently resides at my desk so I can look at him and remember to smile.

Moving on again to another little joy I have found. Cooking. I don't get to indulge in it often. I only REALLY cook when I know R/L isn't going to be around. Otherwise I tend to be in her way for HER cooking needs.

This is the whole wheat Rye bread that I made for St. Patty's day. From SCRATCH!! And without the fennel seed (yuck!). It was pretty delish, if I do say so myself.


The Rye bread was for THIS. My St. Patty's day dinner. A RUBEN! Green beans, fresh strawberries, and some vanilla Greek yogurt. YUM!

GOSH, I love Rubens. I didn't want to make an elaborate meal of corned beef and cabbage and then make Rubens from that (though they are best if made from REAL corned beef and cabbage). So I bought deli corned beef and sauerkraut and made my own dressing and bought the Swiss cheese. It was amazing. I had these for a WEEK! And loved it. Man...now I want another one.

This is my BRUNCH that I made one Sunday a little while ago. It was pretty amazing. I had this whole wheat blueberry muffin mix. So I made 1/2 of it into muffins and 1/2 into pancakes. I had some strawberries and fresh pineapple, celery sticks, and sweet potato tortilla chips! YUM! I love food. I sweetened the top of my pancake with Agave nectar.

This one is a little random. When I spent the night with fellow MCC member Dee, this was one of the phrases created on the fridge with word magnets. "Like they say. A Snowball's chance in China". It made me giggle. Because, you know...they DON'T say that because...they...got the phrase wrong...Okay, I'm lame.


Now, I know you all MISS me and forgot what I looked like. So here are some pictures of ME! These are all taken from the web cam on my laptop.

Me are a typical day of work.

"What??? I can get a replica of the Royal Heirloom Ring for HOW MUCH???"

"Eh, that's life"

"Hm...I wonder how I would look in that princess Leah bikini..."

(shudder...)

This is how I would look if I were insane and acted on my impulse to take a knife to all of R/L's pillows.

I know it's mean, but this is my impression of the way R/L looks when she is upset. It's pretty accurate, actually. Crazy eyes, pursed lips, etc.

Woah...Hi there...

My Lucille wink. I don't do it as well as her.

Okay, enough of me.

This is the guitar I bought! I am teaching myself! And it makes me happy.

Any suggestions on a name?

I bought this cereal a couple weeks ago that had this little farm you could cut out of the back of the box. I had waaaaay too much fun doing it.

This is the little cubby (cubbie??) bed I slept in when I stayed with Dee. It actually charmed the socks right off me. The curtains closed for privacy and you had a little lamp attached to the wall. It was cute.

And now for the story of the sign. This doesn't really represent a simple joy, but I just wanted to include this. The board decided that they wanted a banner to put up on the sign leading to Merryspring to encourage people to join us for out volunteer workday. They didn't want to pay to get it professionally done. So, we used old window blinds and I carefully measured the size of the letters and their placement for the words (especially the biggest word "Volunteer").

And then I drew it out.

Step one. Check.

Then I filled it in and did the other words (I didn't make the smaller words quite as precise as the word "Volunteer"). I think it turned out pretty good.

President of the board, RAY was to be the one to hang it up. BUT he decided that he thought there were too many words on the thing (I had to add a date and a time). Too much information. So he took it home to "work on it". Mr. Editor. Has to "fix" everything I write.

Guess what? It NEVER GOT PUT UP!! I spent at least two hours on that thing trying to make it look good. I had many OTHER things I wanted to be doing, but they had me making this sign because they didn't want to PAY to have someone do it! Two hours! Wasted!

GAH!!

Okay, good feelings gone. Maybe I shouldn't have ended the post with those pictures.

Okay, okay...other good things coming up.

I got invited to an Easter dinner so I don't have to spend the holiday alone! Woo!
Candice (the Young Women's first councilor) and I are going to have night out this Friday. We are going to dinner and then to see Jane Eyre!
Eliza, a girl I met in New Hampshire, is moving to Belfast-which is only about an hour from Camden! We are setting up a date to hang out! I have a friend in Maine now!!

Okay, I feel a little better now.

Happy MONDAY!

On finding Joy in Music

First things first, an update:

Yes, things got nasty. Yes, they were unpleasant. There was possibly spitting and gnashing of teeth. And I may or may not have:

1. Left an open can of tuna in the bathroom inside the heating vent (Heh...Em.)
2. Started screaming wildly in the middle of the night, claiming that I am having night terrors where R/L is chasing me around with a super-soaker filled with frigid shower water (Pah...Kirsti.)
3. Eaten a slice of R/L's homemade bread without asking(Ummm.....)

But here is the point-despite the rules, the mild insanity, and the over all oppressive nature of this woman, I have decided to stay in her house through the month.

I paid for it. I'm not going to spend more money and be driven out.

You may call this pride. Perhaps it is. But MORE than that, I'm just not that angry anymore. I was pretty upset for the whole day after the argument. But then I got over it. I would only make myself more and more miserable if I held onto that anger.

I still feel that she is irrational and, in some ways, childish. But she is a human being who has become set in her ways. She has a different standard of living. I can't really judge her for that. I can move on, content in knowing that there are very few people in the world (or at least in Mid-Coast Maine) who would be able to live by such a standard. I hope she has found the right person in this new tenant moving in on the 1st.

So, since I am no longer angry, and can simply live by her rules without that much fuss for the next two weeks I am going to stay. To be honest, I really don't have time to pack everything up and move out early. I thought I WOULD have time, but this month is turning out to be insanely busy.

So, wonderful family, I am OVERFLOWING with appreciation at all the support you have offered. I can't tell you how much it means to me. But I will stay. I will live here until the 30th. And it will be just fine.

Now to the point of the post.

Before the fateful argument, R/L and I were talking about what my plans were for the future. She said she noticed that I am fond of music and wondered if that was a profession I ever considered.

I thought about this, and as I remember my phases of "this is what I am going to be when I grow up!" I think there was a brief few month in High School where I thought it would be amazing to be a professional musician.

I have long since put that idea out of my head. Not because I think I don't have the talent. I believe that if I pushed myself and tried, I could have the talent necessary. But here is why I could never be a professional musician:

I find JOY in music.

I'm sure that many professional musicians ALSO find joy in music. Why else would they devote their lives to it? But in this statement you must also remember one important fact about me:

I am not competitive.

Unless I am playing a game that is centered around Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Disney films, I couldn't care less whether I win or lose. It's about the game and the fun I have with the people I am spending time with. I wouldn't say that there is NO competitive bone in my body. I think, like nearly all humans, I have a bone or two devoted to "winning". But they are small and minor. I'm sure I'd survive if I had them removed.

Because I find no joy in competition, I believe that I would find no joy in the competitive nature of being a professional musician. Indeed, I know that if I were forced to put my skills on display to be harshly judged and compared to the musicians around me, I would quickly come to despise my talents.

To perform music in professional circles, you have to eat, drink, and sleep music. You have to devote every second of every day working to be better than the next person.

This, I cannot do. BUT, there are still many ways for me to find that joy I seek. They joy of music.

I joined this community choir. We are going to sing today. There is a celebration in Augusta which honors the 150th anniversary of Maine entering the Civil War. The music is mostly simple. But it rings of patriotism.

I love to sing. I think my life lacked something last year, when the only chance I had to sing was in my car, to myself. There is something wonderful in singing in a large group. The blending voices, the POWER you can emit as you join together in song. The UNITY. The HARMONY. It's almost magical. And I love it. I've missed this.

Lately I have been dreaming of trying out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It's an unlikely dream (a lot of things would have to happen first). But just think how wonderful would it be to sing with one of the most spiritual choirs in the world? To touch people as I have been touched when I listen to them sing?

Well, if it ever happens, I will rejoice as one of the happiest women on earth.

In the meantime, I content myself to sing in this choir. They aren't perfect. But we all share a passion for music. We wouldn't come to rehearsal if we didn't. I can't wait for out spring concert.

Along with song, I have some talent in the form of instruments. I am slowly, but surely, teaching myself to play the guitar. It is a little tedious because, rather than teach myself cords, I am teaching myself from the bottom up. Starting with learning the scales and the keys. From there, I will have the foundation to learn the chords. It will take me a while, but I can't wait for the time when I can play proficiently.

I love the piano. I wish that I had a piano that I could play on regularly. Sometimes I ache for the days when I had TALENT in playing the piano. I want to increase those skills. I just have no opportunity to. Someday, I will. Just not now.

Lastly, I find joy in listening to music. I love driving in my car and singing along with my favorite tunes. These songs soothe the soul, calm the mind, and make me smile. They can even make me laugh and cry. My heart swells with music sometimes. I am eternally grateful for the talent given to me by a loving Father and for the encouragement I received from my parents to nurture this talent. I don't know what I would do without music in my life.

To end this post, I am going to give you a list. These are the songs that I find myself listening to over and over again and never getting tired of this month. Actually, for the past three months.

Think of this as the life soundtrack of Sarah Lambson. These are the songs I picture playing in the background of my life as I live it. I hope you enjoy. I am going to attach links to the songs when I can if you feel like listening to them. Most will not be music videos because I don't want you to be distracted form LISTENING to the songs by the images of a video.

1. A Little Opera Goes A Long Way-Sky Sailing: I picture this song playing as I drive. To work, from work, or just down the road with my hand out the window, playing with the wind. The sun setting at my back as I drive towards the ocean.

2. I Count The Ways-Bostich + Fussible: This song is for walking down the street. Maybe with a little strut. Definitely with a smile on my face. There is a breeze and the day is filled with possibilities.

3. Opera Singer-Cake: I dare you to listen to this song and not sing along with it. For me, this is for times when I am in my room, standing in the middle of the floor with an imaginary spotlight beaming on me as I sing along to an invisible audience.

4. Things Can Only Get Better-Howard Jones: Man, you gotta love this guys hair. This song is for a night time strut down the street. Or a dance party. I know I don't dance, but this is the soundtrack of my life and when I listen to this song I see myself dancing. AND strutting. Confident.

5. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road-Elton John: I have always liked this song, but it was not until I listened to it on the way to Maine that I fell in love with it (thanks to Beckie and the Mix CD she made me). It's about going back to simplicity. Turning away from the things we THINK make us happy and looking towards the things we know USED to bring us joy. This is either a driving away from home or driving BACK home kind of song.

6. Mr. Hurricane-Beast: This song is full of dissonance and gritty background noise. It's emphasized by a funky beat that has a retro feel to it. And then things fall together in the chorus with the gospel harmonies. With this song, I see myself singing it to all the things that get in my way and make my life hard. Kind of a "take that" song.

7. Now My Feet Wont Touch The Ground-Coldplay:To me, this song is about feeling desperate despair in life and being brought back up by those you love and finding hope. I see myself walking along a rocky ocean beach on a gray chilly day, looking up at the sky. I'm waiting for a ray of sunlight to peek through.

8. Block After Block-Matt & Kim: This song is another song for walking down the street. I remember listening to it as I walked from block to block on through the streets of western Manhattan near the river. It was a perfect setting and now when I hear this song, that is what I think of.

9. Sing Me To Sleep-Fran Healy: It's dark again, during this song. I can listen to it during the day, but it feels the most right at night. Driving. With a long stretch of road ahead of you, your destination not quite in sight.

10. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot-The Flaming Lips: This is a work song. The pink robot is my computer. I am Yoshimi. Every day I battle this robot and wish more than anything that I could spend my whole day outside.

11. Fireflies-Owl City: I'm in a field, like the one outside my trailer in Rhode Island. The air is warm, but not hot. There are crickets and frogs singing a chorus and filling the air are fireflies. Making every inch of the sky and the space around my sparkle.

12. Rollerblades-Eliza Dolittle: I wish I had rollerblades. Or a bike. Because I see myself riding my bike or rollerblading down a bright sunny street in the spring or summer while this song is playing. And I am happy.

13. Firecracker-Frazey Ford: This is a fall song, for some reason. I'm strolling down a rural dirt road with the blazing trees creating corridors of color around me. I breathe the air and feel the possibilities of life.

14. This Is Me-Girlyman: Ignore the video on this one. Just listen to this song. The amazing harmonies and poetic words. This is a driving song. A song where you are traveling along a highway that is a "lonely patch of blue and gray".

15. Beyond The Sea-Bobby Darin: Of course, as this song plays, I am standing on a SANDY beach in the sun, my hair blowing in a warm breeze, watching the seabirds flying. Sinking my feet into the wet sand as waves of cool ocean water wash up to my ankles.

16. Aisling Song-Christen Moody (From The Secret of Kells): If you haven't seen this movie, DO. It's animation is BEAUTIFUL. And I love this song. In this song, I imagine myself standing, in the moonlight, looking up at the stars on a perfectly clear night. Breathing in the ocean air and dreaming.

17. Yesterday Once More-The Carpenters: I don't need to tell you how this song makes me feel. Any song by The Carpenters makes me feel better. This is another song to belt out in the car.

18. Home-Foo Fighters: This song always makes me feel a little melancholy. Which is to be expected. I sit on my bed and flip through photos of family, friends, and Sadie. I am dressed in a hoodie, jeans, and wool socks, trying to keep the chill I feel at bay. And "all I want is to be home."

19. Into the West-Annie Lennox: This is a song I listen to as I drift off to sleep. But in my memory, the most meaningful listening of this song came as I was leaving New Hampshire-leaving all my new friends behind. Not knowing if I would ever see them again. And I did weep. Somehow I don't think that will happen as I leave Maine.

20. Paper Planes (DFA mix)-M.I.A.: I listen to this as I cruise through summer streets of sunshine, rocking out in my car. Wishing that my seat was leaned way back so my arm is extended to the steering wheel and I am rocking back and forth to the beat. Can't you imagine me doing that?

21. Hard Times-Eastmountainsouth: This is another song to be sung and heard at sunset. A time that heralds the ending of one day and the coming of night, which will bring a measure of peace. And then the hope of a new day which will dawn all the brighter with hope of bliss and happiness.

There you have it. A musical journey through the mind and emotions of me.

What songs would be in YOUR life soudtrack right now?

On Frigid Showers and Trying so VERY Hard to be Rational

I am going to have some words in this post. Be ready.

You all know me. You know that I got over my "I am so mad I am going to yell at you" stage years ago (the little sister and I had some pretty epic shouting matches, if I remember correctly).

I get annoyed and upset, sure. Who doesn't? But I can't remember the last time I got so upset that I raised my voice.

I remember this morning very clearly. But this story needs some background information. I will try to explain things in an honest and civil manner, even though all I want to do is write angry and mean things about R/L.

It all started on Saturday. Ruth, a fellow MCC member, came to the Ukrainian egg painting workshop we were holding at Merryspring. It was really good to see her and when the workshop was over we decided to do something together. We went to a cheese shop (Yummy samples. Garlic cheddar spread!!!) and then walked to the Breakwater Light House (a different post will have pictures of that). She then invited me to a BBQ at a huge and beautiful house her roommate and fellow MCC member Megan was house sitting. It was an hour away in a small town outside Waldoboro. I decided that I don't get to spend enough time with peers and jumped at the chance to go to the BBQ. We got there at 7:00 and ate wonderful food. Had fun times talking about work and such. It was grand. But I decided that I needed to leave at 10:30 so I could get home by 11:30 so I could get plenty of sleep before church the next day. I felt like that was responsible of me.

This did mean, however, that I would be getting home too late to shower that night (I didn't want to show up at the BBQ at 7 after driving an hour and then leave at 8:00 because I had to be home to shower that night at 9:00). I figured that showering in the morning ONCE on a Sunday (after months of taking night showers to appease R/L) would be okay. Not a big deal.

Boy, was I wrong.

I awoke at 7:30am and got into the shower. The second I got into the shower, I heard R/L get up, stomp through the hall, and down the stairs. She immediately began to use hot water in the sink-causing the pressure and temperature in the shower to fluctuate. I accepted the inconvenience. She has every right to use the sink in the morning if she wants, though I did think she was being a little inconsiderate. I got through most of my cleaning routine and was halfway through shaving one of my legs when the hot water just stopped.

Great. Now what? The water was frigid and it was not going to warm up again. So I had to get out of the shower and take a wet towel and un-soap myself. Ug. "Whatever," I thought. "Something went wrong with the hot water." But a small part of me suspected that maybe R/L did it.....

...."No, couldn't be," I thought. "She's an adult. There is no way that she would handle the situation like that-turning off the hot water."

I went about my day, giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I had a chat with her that night, just about housekeeping things as we came to our last few weeks together. I asked her if she knew what was wrong with the hot water. She said "I don't know what happened or what was wrong with it, but it's fixed now." (Remember this: she said she didn't know what was wrong with the hot water).

I also found out just how upset she was about me showering that morning (please note that though these may not be exact quotations of the conversation, they are fairly accurate and not exaggerated).

Me: I'm really am sorry about showering this morning.

R/L: Yeah, well I'm sorry too (read as "I'm sorry that I have to live with someone who wakes me up in the morning"). I'd had a s****y day and all I wanted was to sleep and you had to shower and wake me up.

I was surprised by her acidic tone. I didn't know that she could STILL be that upset about it. I was also surprised that she swore. I know she swears, but not usually in my presence.

Me: I AM sorry, I didn't have a choice. I had to shower for church.

R/L: No, you DID have a choice. YOU decide your actions and what you do.

Me: I was out with friends, I got home later than 9:30 so I couldn't shower last night.

R/L: You could have come home earlier.

Me: I didn't get there until 7 and I was all the way in Waldoboro

R/L: That's not my fault. You decide your actions. You didn't have to go out and stay out with your friends. I don't ask very much (psh...yeah right), just that you don't wake me up.

Me: (trying to keep my voice calm): So you are saying that I have to tell my friends in the future that I can't stay out past 9:00 on weekends because I have to shower before my Landlady goes to bed?

R/L: Yep. That's about it.

Me: *Silence* ..... ..... .....Okay then. Good to know. I guess that's it.

I got up abruptly and left. Annoyed at the conversation, but glad I was able to keep a civil tongue and not tell her HOW annoyed I was. Luckily Juli was there on Skype for me to vent a little to.

So in summary the rules are now as follows: I cannot shower past 9:30 on any night. I cannot shower before 9:00am on weekend mornings. I cannot shower before 7:00am on weekday mornings (or so I thought).

Fast forward to this morning. 7:00am. I get into the shower. The second I do I hear R/L stomp out of her room and head down the stairs. Moments later (luckily before I got the shampoo in my hair) the hot water was gone again. The shower water turns frigid. This was too much. What was going on? I got out of the shower, dried off and threw on my clothes. I went downstairs. R/L was in the living room.

Me: Is the hot water heater in the basement?

R/L: Yes, and I turned it off.

Me: ... ... ... ... ...Really?

It was a train wreck from there. I can't even really quote all the things that were said. She used a lot of language. I asked her if she would not. She said "I will swear if I want to." Most of her talking was done in a raised voice. I was having a hard time keeping my calm because of this.

I asked her why she turned it off. It was a weekday morning and I showered at 7:00. She said that her weekday morning time was, and always had been, 7:30. Oh. Well. I thought it was 7:00. We hadn't established an am shower cut off until several weeks ago and I thought it was 7:00. More angry and harsh words were spoken. Voices, including mine, were raised. Things like "Sometimes you do things like you don't care and are only thinking about yourself" were said by her. Things like "I really hope you are able to find someone who can live with you" were said by me. At one point, I think I even asked if I could get half of my April rent back and leave now. I knew the answer would be no, but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

She called me inconsiderate and selfish and said that she was not going to deal with being woken up anymore. I said "what are you going to do about it?" She said if I take a shower before her given time she will turn the hot water off. If I needed to take a shower earlier than that, I should have told her.

I did not take well to being called inconsiderate. She was assuming that because I was showering in the morning I was not being considerate of her. She brought up, again, that she was compromising by letting me shower in the morning on weekdays at 7:30. I told her that I had tried really hard to be considerate of her.

I said I thought I was a pretty good tenant.

She scoffed at that.

Me: Really? You don't think so?

R/L: I think that sometimes you are considerate and I am thankful for that, but I think that other times you don't care about anyone but yourself.

Me: Really. That's what you think.

More things were said about me not telling her when I am going to be out late or shower early. I told her I didn't know I needed to tell her these things and and that communication goes both ways. And that she never communicates with me.

Eventually we both said "I'm done". And stormed off.

I'm not proud of this. I am not proud that I was not able to keep my cool and be the bigger person.

Before I left for work, I wrote her a letter telling her my more rational feelings. I let her know that I didn't know that 7:00 was too early-that I thought it was the time she had set for am showering. I told her that I should be better at communicating with her and that I felt she needed to do the same. I also asked that she not assume she knows the motivations behind my actions.

Overall, I think that next to the night she told me I had to send Sadie home, this has been the worst day I have spent in Maine.

How do I deal with this? I have to live with her for three more weeks. I don't want to have to tip-toe around her the whole time. I can't believe that I raised my voice. I feel so ashamed.

I'm not that kind of person. I don't WANT to be that kind of person. I know it's natural to feel anger, but to lose it like that-it's unbecoming.

I'm sorry about this post. I just needed to get this out there. I needed to expel it so that I can get to work and stop letting it bother me.

I got over it last night, I can get over it this morning.

One thing is for sure, I will not be letting her watch anymore of my Netflix movies with me.

Immature? Maybe. Necessary for my sanity these next three weeks? Yes.

Happy stinking Monday.

P.S. It's cold and rainy. Go figure.

On Sarah Lambson-Exploring my Identity

It could be so easy to tell myself that I have limited my chances for progress in living in such an isolated setting.

It's so easy, in fact, that I HAVE told myself that. Several times.

Being in Maine is different from living anywhere else I have ever lived. While it's similar in some ways to living in New Hampshire and Rhode Island there are distinct differences.

For Example:

The winter is seemingly never ending. The people here, while occasionally friendly, are often withdrawn. One native woman described it thus: If you have just moved to Maine, a native won't even notice you're there for several years. When they DO finally notice you, their reaction is likely to be "huh".

Did you know that individuals who are not native to Maine are "from away"? That's how they say it. Like every other state other than Maine is a destination known as "away". Which I guess could be considered accurate. In tandem with this is the idea that unless you were BORN in Maine you are still "from away". You could have been born 1/2 a mile from the Maine boarder and then brought to live in Maine when you were 1 year old, but you are still "from away". Even if after moving there at 1 year old you lived in Maine for the rest of your life.

This may or may not be an exaggeration. I'm still not sure just how much people are joking about this when they explain it to me.

It's hard to describe exactly how I am feeling. I don't think lonely is the right word-though my appalling lack of a social life doesn't help things (it's worse than my social life was at home which was pretty non-existent). I do not say this out of a desire for pity. Quite the contrary. I have spent a lot time the past week wondering just what exactly it is I am doing here. How is this really progressing my life? And After talking to a fellow Main Conservation Corps member I came to the following conclusion:

I am learning about myself here. Yes, it could be said that at this age my life is one of self-discovery and that I could be learning about myself just about anywhere. This is true. But there is a fundamental difference about the kind learning that is taking place here compared to the learning I might experience elsewhere. That difference comes from the general lack of sociable behavior generating from the natives here as well as the overall average age of 50.

Now before any of you over 50-year-old readers get in a huff, there is NOTHING wrong with people over 50 years of age. In fact, they are often more interesting to talk to than people my own age. But you must understand the generation barrier. What my mind and soul aches for is to laugh. And while I can laugh at cheesy puns and at the terrible Mayor of Maine as well as the next person, I find myself starving for those people who would better understand the humor behind The Office or how horrible Twilight is. A couple weeks ago I attended a branch social and sat at a table accompanied by the missionaries and a young couple who were probably in their mid to late twenties. I wager that this couple are the two youngest adults in the ward besides me. Guess what we talked about? Twilight. And movies. And books of our generation. Silly things on the internet. And I laughed. For the first time in a long time I was with peers and I was laughing. Even though two of those peers were required to refrain from social activity with a single woman such as myself and the other two people were married, I felt like I belonged with these people.

And so I am learning. I am discovering the kind of person I am in isolation such as this. Last year it was all about finding the person I was in the middle of the woods of New Hampshire living with 30 other non-Mormons who shared my professional interests. There, I had other struggles, but never lacked for a peer base or friends. Here I am learning how to force myself out of my comfort zone. This is a skill I have yet to perfect, but I am progressing. If I am going to make friends of any kind, and of any age, I am going to have to seek them out. They aren't going to come to me. If I want to have things to do in the evenings or on the weekends, I am going to have to find that wholesome entertainment myself. No one is going to provide me a list of fun things for a Latter Day Saint to do on the town in Mid-Coast Maine. Not that there is much to do in the winter anyway.

I am learning patience and how to appreciate and understand someone I don't get along with. I had to do this last year as well, but I didn't share a bathroom and a house with he of the long hair and long beard and hand rolled cigarettes. We just taught together. I am moving past my time with R/L, true, but part of me would not trade the time I spent with her for anything (well I might trade it for a bag of Cadbury mini-eggs, or some good Mexican food). She has taught me more than she will ever realize. I think it would be rude to tell her that she taught me how to live with a somewhat difficult landlady, don't you?

I am learning self control. I feel like I have been poor for a year and 1/2. Oh...that's because I HAVE been poor for a year and 1/2, isn't it? I find myself in a situation similar to the one I had in Rhode Island. Juggling car payments, insurance, rent, and gas on a very limited budget is tough. And so, when I normally would have treated myself to several movie viewings by now I have yet to see a film in theaters this year. Where I might have indulged in fast food occasionally, I haven't had anything but a couple of Subway sandwiches since coming to Maine. I could have easily gone to the $5 bin at Wal-Mart and treated myself to some dvd's or ordered cheap CD's used off of Amazon. But I have bought nothing but a GRE study book for myself off Amazon since I got here. Wait...that's a lie. Right after I got here, I decided to take advantage of the super cheap extended versions of Lord of the Rings. I felt like having them would be similar to having close friends or family with me and make my transition easier. Don't judge. You know you ALL feel the same way.

I am learning self control in other ways as well. For lent, I gave up sweets. It's been hard but giving up the sweet things in my life has helped me evaluate my overall eating habits. I THINK about the things I am eating and what is in them and how much of it I should eat. So far, I can happily say that I have lost somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds. It's hard to know for sure since I don't have a scale to measure it. And, as I announced in a previous post, I am trying to refrain from watching rated R movies (this effort is only spurred by R/L's reaction to the decision). Along with that, I have started to simply evaluate the things that I read and watch in general. Do I NEED to read that? Do I NEED to watch that? Along with this I have been working on controlling the amount of time I spend watching things in general. Instead of watching that movie or that episode, couldn't I spend that time reading, or writing more of the Bear Brook Massacre, or teaching myself guitar, or doing something moderately crafty? Who doesn't love coloring? Raise your hand. I sure hope none of you did. Coloring is therapeutic, relaxing, and just plain fun! And that's how I spent the latter part of my evening last night.

In addition to all this, I have found that I am finding joy in attending my Branch (my congregation for any of you reading who don't understand what I mean by Branch). Working with Youth gives me the chance to be with people closer to my own age. Yes there is a bit of a gap between me and these girls, but it's not far enough that we can't both simultaneously laugh and groan at this video. NOTE: Only click the link if you feel like laughing and groaning at the same time and want a horrible song stuck in your head forever. I feel like I am a part of the church again. It was hard feeling this way in New Hampshire since I never received a calling and was never introduced to any of the members except a few of the sisters of the Relief Society. It didn't help that I didn't go to the same congregation consistently.

Life is not perfect. There are things to complain about, sure. But I find that even though I wish it were summer and that things didn't move so slowly at work, I find a measure of peace in my life. Peace in the fact that I am soon going to be moving in with a lady who shares my values and who is incredibly sweet and kind. Peace in knowing that the trees will soon be green again. And content knowing that, even though this isn't what I expected and maybe I could have chosen a better place to be, I am learning. Discovering. Growing. Living.