On *sigh* (not the contented kind)

This is not a gleeful post.  So let me preface it by saying this:

I'm fine.

***

You think you've got it all worked out.

You think you've made your decision.  

You're sure that from now on, things will settle down.  Life will click.  

And you won't have to worry anymore.

All it takes is one tiny grain of conflict, careening at an unimaginable velocity, to bring your wall of certainty crashing to the ground.

But lets be honest.  You can pretend all you want that your wall was made of titanium.  In reality, it was made of paper.

Wet paper, at that.

I guess that means the wall doesn't come crashing down, but melting down.  

In slow, agonizing globules of uncertainty and doubt.

That tiny grain-you should have seen it coming.  You DID in fact. You just chose to ignore it-hoping that it would bounce right off you.  Or better yet, miss entirely.

Deep down you knew you wouldn't be so lucky.

Suddenly its happening all over again. You looked at your future (molded by the decision you were going to make) and saw contentment.  Hingent on one tiny detail.  The instant that detail is taken away, the vision becomes tainted.

Blackened, even.  

And all your planning, all your hopes and anticipations come to a screeching halt.

All because of a few choice phrases. A tiny grain.

Honestly, I'm making a bigger deal out of all this than I need to be.

THIRD. WORLD. PROBLEMS.

And all that.

Happiness is not dependent on fuzziness.

It's not dependent on the acquiring of "things".  

There is still potential for contentment.

I've found it before.

In the most unexpected of places.

***

There's a time to fight for what you want (or what you THINK you want), and a time to let go.

Because what you think you want is probably not all that you think it is.

The "want" is often deceiving because underneath it are layers of unfair expectations.  Visions of what the end result of that want is supposed to be.

And for the most part, it's all false.

"Illusions are dangerous people.  They have no flaws"

That's from Sabrina (1995).

It's only been in the past 3 years that I've become aware of the true danger of illusions.  

But like most things that are falsely appealing to us, we ignore the danger.

We wander from the path to pick the pretty flowers.  Unaware that a wolf lurks in the shadows.  

The wolf, he is idolization.  He is false perception.  

And we build up these illusions, until the resemble something flawless.  Something that could never truly exist in reality.  

And that, my friends, is how you sabotage yourself.

It's easy to spend so much time focusing on that false image of "perfection" that you ignore all the other realities surrounding you.

I've decided something.

I don't need a wing-man.

I don't need a friend encouraging false idolization.

I need a reality check.

Someone who will pull off the rose colored glasses and help me see truth.

***

These are the vague ramblings of an exhausted, 20-something female.  

They are what my brain decides it needs to spit up and spatter across the blinding lights of computer screens and mobile devices.

They are not to be taken too seriously.  

Because we all make the tiniest problems out to be the end of the world.

When really, they are nothing more than a blip on the radar of our lives.

P.S.  I'm Fine.

Just tired and disappointed.  Not a good combination.

On Hats.

At some point in the process of self discovery, you have to look outside yourself.

At the person you REALLY are.  Not the person you imagine yourself to be.

Compare that to the person you WANT to be.

Then begin to take the necessary steps to making the two images one.

It's not easy.

It's not quick.

It is possible.

Identity has been the focus of my thoughts of late.

Whatever you may know about me, it's only a small fraction of who I really am.  That's true of a good number of people, I think.

(prepare yourselves for an extended metaphor)

We all have different versions of ourselves.  Different hats we wear for the various social interactions we have.

I own quite a collection.

Some of my hats sit collecting dust.  Many of those I hope to never wear again.

Some I've re-discovered and found that I remember just how much I liked how they suited me before.

I have, as we all do, a few awkward hats.  Ones that don't become me.  Fortunately only a few people have ever had to see me in those hats.

And then there are the new hats.  Recent additions.  A few take some getting used to-and I go back in forth between loving them and thinking they make a fool out of me.

There is one in particular that is rather weighty.  I'm not sure how it suites me, because I never seem to be around a mirror when I have it on.  It feels kind of bulky, and sometimes awkward.  I'm just hoping I'll grow into it.  This hat was offered to me.  It was not something I expected.  It's one that many have worn before and many will wear after.  With it comes a great number of expectations and responsibilities, as well as a title.

And people look at you a particular way while you are in this hat.  

But I don't wear it all the time.  I mean, it IS rather conspicuous.  And the weight is exhausting.  Plus I often wear it at the same time I am wearing other hats...which just makes things all the more challenging.

All that being said, I would never give this hat away, take it for granted, abuse it, or ask to have it bequeathed to someone else.  Because right now, this is one of my most important hats and I should wear it respectfully and proudly while I have it.


I think sometimes people don't take me seriously when I wear this hat.  Or worse, they don't take the HAT seriously.  Sometimes people toss the hat casually onto my head because they like the way it looks just a little off kilter.


Maybe I'm making unfair assumptions.


I probably am.


In any case, this is a hat I am trying to take seriously.  One that I am trying to be worthy of.


There are still many hats that I wish I could acquire.  I see other people wearing them and feel pangs of envy. 


The truth is that at this point if I were to be GIVEN one of these desirable hats, I probably wouldn't know what to do with it or how it should be worn and presented; how it should be maintained and taken care of.  


I THINK I would look amazing in this hat, but perhaps it would be an acquisition I would regret because I am not prepared for what comes with the hat.


Finally, there are some hats that I had to leave behind.  Ones that were only available in the life I had before. Ones particularly suited for ocean breezes, long hikes up mountains, kayaking lakes and rivers, long walks through the woods of tall pines and prevalent birches, and solitary exploration.  I miss those hats and find myself trying to use other, unsatisfactory hats to achieve what I had.  This only leads to frustration and disappointment.  Because I can't have what I had before.  I'm in a new place, a new situation, and I have to learn to utilize that hats I DO have and not take them for granted.   




As I sift through my collection, I have been holding up several of the well worn hats that maybe need to be retired.  Or perhaps simply taken better care of.  Some I cast aside, others I put in a pile of "I'll get to you later" hats.  I find that pile to be ever growing.


Identity.


Who am I to others?  Am I the person I want them to perceive me as?  Am I to them what I wish them to be to me?  Or am I trying to force hats on them which don't fit?

Most importantly, who am I to Him?  Am I striving to be all that I can in His eyes? Or am I striving to be what I think others want me to be?

Am I more focused on the hats that I think others like to see me in, or on the hats that are of a more humble nature?


There are hats for all occasions.

For all social settings.

There are the ones we wear for all to see.

Unfortunately we often wear those hats over the ones that are more important.  The ones that show to others our truest and best qualities.  The hats that most become us are obscured by the wild hats society tells us are fashionable.

Lastly I have come to realize that some of the most important growth comes from remembering to cast aside all those self-centered tendencies we naturally incline to.


Being selfish doesn't get you as far in life as you might think.

Humans are not a solitary species.

We are meant to uplift, encourage, support, and love one another.

Look past the small central circle which encompasses only you and start looking into those larger circles which encompass all those around you.

Those you care about.

Remember that they are people too.  With just as many struggles.

Sometimes its okay to wear no hat at all but instead offer to help others with the number of hats THEY are juggling.

On Revision

Re-evaluating.

Re-focusing.

Understanding.

Recognizing.

Admitting.

Then deciding and committing.  

To taking deep breaths and let that knot in your stomach drift out of you.  Because what does it mean, really?  What is that knot but an additional burden?  It's not what you think it is.  

Nor is it evil.

It's simply...false.

A misunderstanding.

There is no bitterness.

Maybe a touch of shame.

There is no blame.

Only admission.

And a desire to come out the other side better.

A desire for clarity and peace.

The game.  The chase.  The tension.  

Is that what it's all about?  Is that what we want?  Is that how we've been conditioned?

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not..."

To all of you who have offered your invaluable thoughts and advice, thank you.

You're support is deeply appreciated.

Don't worry.

I'm just going through a transition.

All will be well as soon as I learn to grow up just a little bit.