Monday, July 30, 2012

On *sigh* (not the contented kind)

This is not a gleeful post.  So let me preface it by saying this:

I'm fine.


You think you've got it all worked out.

You think you've made your decision.  

You're sure that from now on, things will settle down.  Life will click.  

And you won't have to worry anymore.

All it takes is one tiny grain of conflict, careening at an unimaginable velocity, to bring your wall of certainty crashing to the ground.

But lets be honest.  You can pretend all you want that your wall was made of titanium.  In reality, it was made of paper.

Wet paper, at that.

I guess that means the wall doesn't come crashing down, but melting down.  

In slow, agonizing globules of uncertainty and doubt.

That tiny grain-you should have seen it coming.  You DID in fact. You just chose to ignore it-hoping that it would bounce right off you.  Or better yet, miss entirely.

Deep down you knew you wouldn't be so lucky.

Suddenly its happening all over again. You looked at your future (molded by the decision you were going to make) and saw contentment.  Hingent on one tiny detail.  The instant that detail is taken away, the vision becomes tainted.

Blackened, even.  

And all your planning, all your hopes and anticipations come to a screeching halt.

All because of a few choice phrases. A tiny grain.

Honestly, I'm making a bigger deal out of all this than I need to be.


And all that.

Happiness is not dependent on fuzziness.

It's not dependent on the acquiring of "things".  

There is still potential for contentment.

I've found it before.

In the most unexpected of places.


There's a time to fight for what you want (or what you THINK you want), and a time to let go.

Because what you think you want is probably not all that you think it is.

The "want" is often deceiving because underneath it are layers of unfair expectations.  Visions of what the end result of that want is supposed to be.

And for the most part, it's all false.

"Illusions are dangerous people.  They have no flaws"

That's from Sabrina (1995).

It's only been in the past 3 years that I've become aware of the true danger of illusions.  

But like most things that are falsely appealing to us, we ignore the danger.

We wander from the path to pick the pretty flowers.  Unaware that a wolf lurks in the shadows.  

The wolf, he is idolization.  He is false perception.  

And we build up these illusions, until the resemble something flawless.  Something that could never truly exist in reality.  

And that, my friends, is how you sabotage yourself.

It's easy to spend so much time focusing on that false image of "perfection" that you ignore all the other realities surrounding you.

I've decided something.

I don't need a wing-man.

I don't need a friend encouraging false idolization.

I need a reality check.

Someone who will pull off the rose colored glasses and help me see truth.


These are the vague ramblings of an exhausted, 20-something female.  

They are what my brain decides it needs to spit up and spatter across the blinding lights of computer screens and mobile devices.

They are not to be taken too seriously.  

Because we all make the tiniest problems out to be the end of the world.

When really, they are nothing more than a blip on the radar of our lives.

P.S.  I'm Fine.

Just tired and disappointed.  Not a good combination.


Erin said...

We should talk soon. Not because I'm worried about you or anything, but because I like to talk to you! Also, I think I'm coming into Columbia in the next month and I'm going to try and bring Ryan along, so we should get together so you can meet him!

I'd like to leave you with a quote that sometimes helps me put my problems into perspective:

“If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.”
E. Joseph Cossman

Steph @ The World of a Swilly Girl said...

First: I love you...
Second: I think you are smart to try to keep perspective when it comes to your problems. But also remember that your two Biggest Fans think that your disappointment is just as important to them as a starving stomach.
AND Third: sorry you are disappointed! I know it totally sucks when things don't work out as planned. When things don't work out as expected it sucks..but it is even worse when you had all these plans and they end up not working out.
Elder Reall counselled me once (I'm sure he won't mind me sharing) to keep doing what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes life gets out of control, but I can always control my spiritual habits and growth. And with that behind you-everything else falls into place (if only it would just fall the way/when we want it too hahaha)
And now that I have written you a novel...I end :) <3

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