I've had these dreams the last two nights. While their specific content is no longer clear, there general theme makes me a little uneasy.
Not the death of specific people I know. Just general carnage brought on by a calamity of some sort and I, along with others, am left to bury the corpses. The first night they were in their wooden coffins. I remember several being small. The size of children. And I wept. The second night we were moving the dead from where they lay.
Two nights in a row of death dreams. A co-worker says this means change.
I don't see it.
I remember a time when I was more eloquent and witty. I think it had to do with the fact that I lived somewhere amazing and I generally loved my life.
I want that back.
Just because I come to some good conclusions does NOT mean that I follow my own advice all the time. And that is frustrating. I kind of want to punch my brain in the face sometimes.
Speaking of punching. Monday knocked me a pretty good one this past week.
I've never led a guy on in my life. It's mean. But I think that may be what I am unintentionally doing with this co-worker. I have NO interest in him. How do I make that clear (and still be civil and not make things awkward at work)?
Things that are IN right now that I love:
-Fabric flowers on clips or head bands
Guess what? I LOVE my job. My photography job. There is almost NOTHING that I dislike about it. But it's going to end in about a month and there is NOTHING that I can do about it.
The work environment is perfect. I get to work with kids every day. The people I work with are AWESOME. I am gaining experience in photography.
Have I talked about this already? Probably. I just can't get over it.
Why can't every single job be LIKE THIS???
I'm in this stage in my current life where I want to do something drastic. I want a huge change. I feel in my heart and my soul that I NEED it. More than that, I need a GOAL. Not just this faceless future.
Hello future, I couldn't tell that was you. You're standing there, so frustratingly enigmatic in that shady corner. Why don't you come a little closer so I can get a better look at you? No? Bah. Whatever.
I know that I can't throw blame at the future for not revealing itself. The blame lies with me and my fear of committing to ANYTHING. I don't want to jump. I don't want to take that Indiana Jones blind step onto the invisible hidden bridge. I want to be the person who walks on the bridge AFTER the handful of pebbles and dust have been thrown across is to reveal its presence.
I want to do something slightly reckless. Like move to another state. Just decide that I am going to spend the rest of the year saving up to move away. To Utah, or Alaska, or Canada, or Hawaii, or back to Maine.
Can I DO that? Is that crazy? Maybe THIS is why I am having morbid death dreams. They represent a deep seeded desire for a HUGE change. And the sheer numbers of the dead show how drastic of a change I seek.
I think that sounds a little crazy, but what do I know.
If any of you readers have some awesome folk/bluegrass music to suggest/share, PLEASE DO. I'm on a kick and I'm looking for a fix.
I don't want money for a lot of things. But if I could spend money on anything right now it would be on the following things.
-A nice DSLR camera
-Pay off my debt (so I could guiltlessly apply to grad school and follow other possible pursuits)
-A VHS copy of Nutcracker Fantasy
-The complete soundtrack recordings of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Oh yeah. After what totaled to over 100 tries, I finally beat the giant scary Bowser that shoots massive fireballs and has gigantic gnashing claws at the end of Super Mario Brothers Wii.
I would say my life is complete, but there are still all those dratted star coins.
Also, I feel like a video game completing my life sounds super pathetic.
Also, FYI, it didn't take me NEARLY as many tries to beat Diablo at the end of Diablo. But possibly significantly more time.
Okay, I seriously need to stop talking like a game nerd.
This is where I am right now.
Music I am into:
-Folk rock alternative
Artists I love at the moment:
-Mumford and Sons
-Pearl and the Beard
Books I am reading:
David Copperfield by: Charles Dickens
Bossypants by: Tina Fey
The first 5 movies on my Netflix Queue:
1. The Tree of Life
2. The Help
3. Cowboys and Aliens
4. The Big Year
5. The People Vs. George Lucas (Documentary)
Shows I am watching:
-Parks and Recreation
-Once Upon a Time
-The Vampire Diaries (Yeah, I admit it publicly on the internet. This is a big step for me. Don't judge.)
Some of my current favorite things:
-The nesting pair of geese I pass on my bike ride.
-The Red maples that are starting to bud
-The birds singing in the morning
-Being up for the sunrise
-The sometimes AMAZING spring weather
-Sadie (ALWAYS Sadie)
I think that about sums it up for now.