Sunday, March 11, 2012

On (and on, and on, and on...)

I've had these dreams the last two nights.  While their specific content is no longer clear, there general theme makes me a little uneasy.


Not the death of specific people I know.  Just general carnage brought on by a calamity of some sort and I, along with others, am left to bury the corpses.  The first night they were in their wooden coffins.  I remember several being small. The size of children.  And I wept.  The second night we were moving the dead from where they lay.

Two nights in a row of death dreams.  A co-worker says this means change.

I don't see it.


I remember a time when I was more eloquent and witty. I think it had to do with the fact that I lived somewhere amazing and I generally loved my life.

I want that back.  

Just because I come to some good conclusions does NOT mean that I follow my own advice all the time.  And that is frustrating.  I kind of want to punch my brain in the face sometimes.

Speaking of punching.  Monday knocked me a pretty good one this past week.


I've never led a guy on in my life.  It's mean.  But I think that may be what I am unintentionally doing with this co-worker.  I have NO interest in him.  How do I make that clear (and still be civil and not make things awkward at work)? 


Things that are IN right now that I love:
-Sweet Potatoes
-Fabric flowers on clips or head bands


Guess what?  I LOVE my job.  My photography job.  There is almost NOTHING that I dislike about it.  But it's going to end in about a month and there is NOTHING that I can do about it.

The work environment is perfect.  I get to work with kids every day.  The people I work with are AWESOME.  I am gaining experience in photography.

Have I talked about this already?  Probably.  I just can't get over it.

Why can't every single job be LIKE THIS???


I'm in this stage in my current life where I want to do something drastic.  I want a huge change.  I feel in my heart and my soul that I NEED it.  More than that, I need a GOAL.  Not just this faceless future.

Hello future, I couldn't tell that was you.  You're standing there,  so frustratingly enigmatic in that shady corner.  Why don't you come a little closer so I can get a better look at you?  No?  Bah.  Whatever.

I know that I can't throw blame at the future for not revealing itself.  The blame lies with me and my fear of committing to ANYTHING.  I don't want to jump.  I don't want to take that Indiana Jones blind step onto the invisible hidden bridge.  I want to be the person who walks on the bridge AFTER the handful of pebbles and dust have been thrown across is to reveal its presence.

I want to do something slightly reckless.  Like move to another state.  Just decide that I am going to spend the rest of the year saving up to move away.  To Utah, or Alaska, or Canada, or Hawaii, or back to Maine.

Can I DO that?  Is that crazy?  Maybe THIS is why I am having morbid death dreams.  They represent a deep seeded desire for a HUGE change.  And the sheer numbers of the dead show how drastic of a change I seek.

I think that sounds a little crazy, but what do I know.


If any of you readers have some awesome folk/bluegrass music to suggest/share, PLEASE DO.  I'm on a kick and I'm looking for a fix.


I don't want money for a lot of things.  But if I could spend money on anything right now it would be on the following things.

-A nice DSLR camera
-Pay off my debt (so I could guiltlessly apply to grad school and follow other possible pursuits)
-Moving out
-A VHS copy of Nutcracker Fantasy
-The complete soundtrack recordings of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy


Oh yeah.  After what totaled to over 100 tries, I finally beat the giant scary Bowser that shoots massive fireballs and has gigantic gnashing claws at the end of Super Mario Brothers Wii.

I would say my life is complete, but there are still all those dratted star coins.

Also, I feel like a video game completing my life sounds super pathetic.

Also, FYI, it didn't take me NEARLY as many tries to beat Diablo at the end of Diablo.  But possibly significantly more time.

Okay, I seriously need to stop talking like a game nerd.


This is where I am right now.

Music I am into:
-Folk rock alternative

Artists I love at the moment:
-The Toughcats
-Mumford and Sons
-Fleet Foxes
-Pearl and the Beard
-The Decemberists

Books I am reading:
David Copperfield by: Charles Dickens
Bossypants by: Tina Fey

The first 5 movies on my Netflix Queue:
1. The Tree of Life
2. The Help
3. Cowboys and Aliens
4. The Big Year
5. The People Vs. George Lucas (Documentary)

Shows I am watching:
-Cougar Town
-Happy Endings
-The Office
-Parks and Recreation
-Once Upon a Time
-The Vampire Diaries (Yeah, I admit it publicly on the internet.  This is a big step for me.  Don't judge.)

Some of my current favorite things:
-The nesting pair of geese I pass on my bike ride.
-The Red maples that are starting to bud
-Red-winged blackbirds
-The birds singing in the morning
-Being up for the sunrise
-The sometimes AMAZING spring weather
-Sadie (ALWAYS Sadie)

I think that about sums it up for now.


Juliana said...

Have you ever listened to Nickel Creek? Love them!

I wish I could tell you there are lots of jobs in AZ and you could move out here but there aren't. Did you ever check into NAU? You should! Love you! Aunt Juli

Juliana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peeser said...

As Emily once told me, sometimes you just have to take "the plunge." Spend time- probably a lot of it (i.e. a few months? Maybe a few more than that?)- fasting and praying to know where God would have you right now. Scary as the thought may be, He may want you in a corner of the country you never thought of, without a job, etc., but that will end up blessing you in unexpected ways. That's how I felt about the move to Indianapolis, which had much less purpose than my move here to Syracuse. Of course, the plunge into Syracuse was a bit scarier because it was much farther away, not even a sister that lived an hour away, a roommate found on Craig's list of all places... but I have felt that this is where the Lord wants me right now.

Anyway, if you are feeling a need for change, go with that in your daily prayers, monthly fasts, and general scripture studies. The scriptures may not give you a specific place to go to, but searching them with real intent opens yourself up to the Spirit, who CAN tell you specifically where the Lord wants you.

And maybe, for the time being, He DOES still want you in CoMo...

I don't know the answers, but here are some suggestions to help you in your search for them...

(And I'm sorry I don't have any good bluegrass ideas for you- I don't mind bluegrass- I generally like it- but I'm too lazy to seek out new groups like that. Good luck!

Love You!!!

Emily S. said...

Wailing Jennys. Wailin' Jennies? Well, however you spell 'em, look 'em up YOu'll love them.

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