In, out.
It feels good.
But I don't feel the complete sense of freedom that usually accompanies the end of a semester.
I am 100% sure that this has to do with the following things:
1.I still have a project on the effects of low oxygen on fathead minnow egg development to complete, write a paper, and make a poster for.
2. I was so sure that I would be participating in another internship this year, but mis-communication and lack of money has forced my to stay home.
3.I want to be doing something with my life and I'm just not there yet.
It doesn't help that this seems to be engagement season for everyone single and Mormon. It's always exciting for those parties getting engaged, but a bit of a downer to those of us not so lucky. I can only blame myself, really, but it does make you very aware of your single status when people are prepping to be eternally bound to their companion.
Enough of that rant.
Gloria is cooking something with octopus downstairs. My door is open so I can hear my home teachers when they arrive and the smell is rather pungent.
Not horrible, just...strong.
*****
Home teachers just left. It was good to have them here. I don't get that enough. Too bad one of them is leaving for the summer.
"Are you doing an internship this summer?"
No. No I am not. The more I think about that the more I regret it. I wish I had tried harder. Still, volunteering is also a good thing. Sometimes when you volunteer and do a great job, they take that into account and even try to get you to stay by offering you a job. I'm not counting on it, but you never know.
Sigh.
What is this feeling? I don't understand it. A pressure on my heart and my soul. Not bad, not good...restless? Not even that. I don't have a word for it and that means I don't know how to go about figuring it out.
The place where I go to find myself again when I am lost. My Zen garden if you will.
4 comments:
oh i know that feeling well... meloncholy, restlessness, unsettlement.... a combo? None of them?
I totally GET that feeling.
HUGS, my sis.
patience, my dear sis-in-law. it does suck to feel like you're in a rut, you are down, you don't know exactly WHY, and can't really seem to figure out what to do to make it go away. Maybe you're supposed to be HERE for a reason.
I can totally understand how you feel. I think it is how I felt the last year before moving to Indiana. I felt like I wanted to leave, but everything seemed to be keeping me in Columbia. It seemed like the one time it was a convenient time to move, something happened to throw a wrench into my plans, and I ended up sticking it out another year. I felt like a bird that had known the glory of flight only to have my wings unexpectedly clipped. Not that Columbia is bad in any way. But I think you are ready to try something else for awhile- for more than a 3-month internship. I think you are totally ready for that, too. Just keep looking, praying, but as Emily once told me, you also need to be willing to take the plunge (i.e. a big risk). Obviously, wait until you have tied up all your educational loose ends and get your degree, but keep putting feelers out to places you might like to try. I know you have it in you to succeed and thrive in life- sometimes you just have to do something that forces yourself to grow because otherwise, you settle for complacency and will always have that nagging voice asking "What if you had just done this...?"
Some comments on your other "downs":
#1. I would say that obviously, fathead minnow eggs cannot develop in environments with low water because the stupid parents won't even MATE when there seems to be low oxygen. Clearly, low oxygen means extinction for these highly unmotivated fish. Nuts to them.
#3. Yeah, I have definitely felt the bittersweet of seeing friends get engaged and married while remaining incorrigibly single. It is frustrating. It certainly brings on moments (sometimes a day or two) of self-pity. Overall, I am happy with who I am. But clearly guys either don't see the awesomeness that is me ;) or they are scared by it. Either way, I don't want to be involved with an idiot or a chicken. Still, I know that there is more I need to do if I am to find eternal happiness. And what is encouraging to me is to see people like Sister Oaks (Elder Dallin H. Oaks wife who married him at age 50) and Sheri Dew (who is still single)- not that I want to have to wait that long, but it is encouraging to see that even if it is the Lord's plan that I do, I can thrive in the gospel and in life and still make something of myself while I wait for the blessings of eternity.
Sorry for the long-winded comment- clearly, I am breathing too much :)
Know that I love you, sis. Keep your head up so you can see what is coming at you!
I have had that feeling, too. I think I feel it vicariously now for my children.
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