Monday, May 6, 2013

On My Revisit to the world of Blog

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?

For my next trick I will make what has vanished re-appear!

Watch closely.

***

Okay.  So, it's been months.

I've started and erased many entries since then.  I had one I was going to write for my birthday a couple weeks ago.  It was awesome.  Simple, beautiful, exploratory, mildly artistic.

And then life just kept on happening, giving me no time to breathe.

I feel like I've not had a chance to catch my breath since March.  The moments I've had to stop, take a breath, and take a look around have been so brief and scattered that none of them have allowed me to take a little time here.

This blog, off and on a place full of life updates, has once again become simply a place of exploration (which is what it was originally created for).  Living in my hometown of Columbia does that to me.  While I know there are plenty of those people out there who AREN'T privy to my life experiences, I often lack the time or energy keep you all updated.

To be fair, I've sacrificed many things of late to the time gods.  TV shows being one of them.  Once the fall mini-break happened, I pretty much lost track of every show I've been following.

I hardly read anymore.  A tragedy that I am aware of almost constantly.

Obviously I am never HERE.

I don't practice the guitar anymore (it doesn't help that my instrument is being held hostage...but even if it were here I doubt I would be taking advantage of it).

There are plies of things started and never finished all around my apartment.  Reminders that I still don't really have this life things figured out.

There are small clusters of books I intend to read lying here and there.  And magazines.  All forgotten.

A stack of started letters.  Some even mostly completed.  Unsent.

1-2 story ideas sit in the back of my mind growing mold with a few pages each as the only evidence of their potential existence.

 A basket of family history items provided to me by my wonderful mother lie unexplored in a basket.

Don't even get me started on my hammered dulcimer and didgeridoo...purchases that had so much potential and have sat collecting dust.

It makes me a little sad.  I look at the state of my life and wonder what on earth I would do if I were forced to really grow up.

I've been thinking about growing up a lot lately.

26 was an interesting age to approach.  I never pegged myself as the age-concious type.  The kind of girl who says things like "I feel so OLD!" while I'm still living the best years of my life.  Mostly because I used to get so annoyed when people under that age of 50 said "I'm old".  Because they aren't.

I'm not old.

But there is no denying that the feel of time is different from the other side of 25.  I'm not sure what it is really.  Maybe because I am now closer to 30 than I am to 20 and the view is different over here.

I feel like I've taken huge strides lately in the right direction.  I've made decisions that any true and mature adult should be proud of.  I look at the state of many things in my life and I think "okay, I've got this well under control.  Go me!"

But in all honesty, I feel like I'm still waiting to really grow up.

And that's hard for me because deep down, I want to stay young.  We all do.  I want so desperately to keep that youthful part of me alive.

At the same time there are things in my life that I want very much. Grown-up things.

In the past several months I've actually heard people call me mature.

Every time I hear that I am at first shocked, then I glow a little with pride, then I feel an immense amount of pressure to live up to that perception.

The truth is there are parts of me that do indeed feel mature.  I know I've come a long way from where I used to be.  I've made some good decisions.  I made some significant progress.

Despite that, there is always Mindy.  There is and always will be that part of me who is so abysmally immature it's embarrassing.

I've come to realize, however, that this is part of being human.

I cannot in proper words express to you how turbulent the past couple months have been emotionally.

Some of you know (in varying degrees) of what I am talking about.

Some of you have no idea what I am referencing.

That's okay.  I'm not obligated to reveal all the intimate details of my life.  Know that I am sparing you by not delving deeper into the recesses of my mind.

I will, however, share with you some insights I have come upon.

One of them can be summarized by a Cat Stevens song:

"Don't be shy even, when it hurts to say.  Remember, you're gonna get hurt someday anyway."

It sounds a little depressing but here is what I glean from this little gem.

Don't be afraid to act, and don't be afraid to be honest, don't be afraid of making mistakes.

You are going to make mistakes.  It's part of life and growing.  You're going to get hurt.  There is no way to totally avoid emotional pain.  So stop making excuses because you're afraid of that pain.  You never know what could happen.  There could be pain, but there could be wonderfully exciting things as well.

"If you never try you'll never know just what you're worth".

That one is Coldplay.

While I feel parts of me have matured, I've found myself experiencing new levels of less than mature emotions.  Ones that I know even the most well-adjusted of adults feel (so I don't feel quite so guilty in feeling them).

The fact remains, however, that these feelings are new and foreign to me...at least to the extent and context I feel them.

Some of them are positive
(excited, joyful, elated, desired, understood, appreciated)

Others are negative
(jealous, insecure, doubtful, impatient)

It's the negative ones that worry me.

I've had a few people tell me that it's okay to indulge Mindy every once in a while.  She'll help me with that desire to feel youthful.  She can help me experience exciting things that "mature", rational Sarah normally wouldn't try.

But those four above emotions...those are the dark side of Mindy.  When dark Mindy rears her head I find myself regretting letting her gain even an inch.

Externally I'd like to think that I am pretty good at keeping her at bay.

Internally the wild winds are high and fast.

Like I said...turbulent.

All revolving around a particular subject (with a few other subjects thrown in the mix just to make things interesting).

I asked for this.  Believe me what I say that.  In truth I would not trade these experience for the world.

I do complain a lot about Mindy.  About being on this roller coaster.

In truth, it's exhilarating  terrifying, infuriating  and exciting all at the same time.

All at once an amazing and yet frustrating experience.

During it all I feel like a complete novice.  Like a flailing newborn horse trying to find its footing.

I know I can't be expected to get it right immediately...and I'm just waiting to fall flat on my face, cringing and hoping with all my heart that it doesn't happen.  Knowing that if it does, it will be an important growing experience.

Through it all I am immensely grateful for all those friends and family who are constant sources of support, advice, or simply a listening ear.

You do me more service than I think you realize.

I've no idea what the near future is going to bring.

That's a little scary.

But I find peace in the knowledge that I have my eternal goal in sight and nothing is going to lead me away from that.  Each step I take will only propel me forward, even if I end up having to backtrack or find my way because I got a little lost.

This is life.

This is what it means to live.

As my wonderful older sister mentioned in one of her blogs, THIS is life.  I need to stop waiting to live it and LIVE it because this is it.  Right now.  

And it is a fascinating and miraculous thing.

6 comments:

Ellaniemae said...

Thank you for sharing. You ARE doing amazing things! And you WILL succeed at whatever you set your mind to.

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