Monday, May 28, 2012

On My Thoughts on a Monday Morning

I've spent the whole week listening to Coldplay.  That can only mean one thing:

I've got too many thoughts and feelings galavanting through my brain without my permission.  

And you know what THAT means?

Brain vomit.  That's what.  The mind can take only so much churning before it has to expel some of what's in there before it becomes one big, hot, complicated mess.

So forgive me.

Commence vomiting:

It's suddenly hit me.  Just what is being asked.  I'm catching a glimpse of what is required of me, and I'm not gonna lie.  It's a little scary.  And overwhelming.  Yet I know I would not be asked to do these things if there was no faith from above that I could do them.

I just finished filling out the equivalent of a personality profile on the online dating site I signed up for.  I'm not really sure why I even jumped on this particular bandwagon.  It was kind of a whim.  Done in a moment of frustration.  I have this account and I've no idea what to do with it because I'm too afraid to actually do ANTHING!  

I've been pondering the use of my Sundays.  I'm sure my activities fall under the description of "good".  But how about "better" and "best"?

I promise.  I'm not a "playah".  I just like playing Mario with company.  Especially company that makes me laugh.

I hear whats being said, and I see the merit.  I just don't know if an added piece to the board (me) is going to help much.  But I'll do what I can.

What's WRONG with me?  Seriously? Anyone?  No?  Okay then.  I guess it's time to move on to greener pastures, right?

We walk so high.  Aloof on our mountains of righteousness.  Believing we are invincible.  Ever tempting the edge.

And in a split second, that one decision, that single moment, the soft, chalky ledge gives way and we are plummeting.  Hurtling toward that dark abyss.

Because we were CONVINCED we were fine.  Convinced we had it all worked out.  Thrilled to have been sure enough in our footing to balance on that fine line.

Like an unruly child, showing off to his/her little friends.  Look what I can do!

And in seconds he/she is on the ground, knees scraped, crying at the unfair nature of it all, at the pain.  But most of all, crying from the shame of it all.

And if we were still children, how easy it would be to pick ourselves back up and wipe away the tears.  To meet everyone with a smile as if nothing had happened.  As if we had MEANT to fall.

All part of the plan, folks.

Except everything is different.

But you know what?   NO.

No more self pity.

No more lower lip stuck out and sniffling for someone to hug my problems away.

No more wishing that this or that person would be a shoulder to cry on.  Would miraculously show up and ask me how they can help make me feel better.

I brought this on myself, and I'll be darned if I'm going to force it on someone else.

It's up to me to fix things.

And fix them I will.

This life is filled with a million decisions to be made.  And you can either go running to someone else to make them for you, or you can take a deep breath and make them yourself.

You control your life and no amount of whining is going to change that.

You know what can help?  Trust.

And activity.

Trust that as we do all we can, and strive our hardest, we will be rewarded.

Not always in the ways we thing we should be.

But always rewarded.

And you know what?

I think the time for pining is over.

It's time to stop wishing you had something and complaining because you don't have it.  Either go out and take it, or think of all the things you DO have and get over it.

It's okay for things to be the way they are.  And a real adult will look at their blessed lives and say "I'm okay with this."  Instead of  "this is how I want to be blessed more".


I said brain vomit and I meant it.

Most of it is stuff my brain is yelling at me.

Stuff that I need to keep reminding myself of.

And things I need to just face head on instead of cowering in fear or uncertainty.  Even if they ARE comfortable waiting rooms with cushy couches, good magazines, and delicious snacks.

It's time to get OFF that cushy couch, roll up that magazine, and toss away those snacks and just....




I think I've done enough damage for now.

1 comment:

Ellaniemae said...

After reading your post, I feel like I can identify with your feelings of torment(?), but I don't know anything about the problem. I want to help out, give suggestions to make things better, but I can't as I don't know what the problem is. I also had the impression that maybe a trip to the temple would help. Especially with your new calling, maybe you would feel better about things if you could contemplate things in the celestial room of the temple. Just an idea... Just know I love you like a sister and I want the best for you.

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