I apologize in advance for the little rant I am about to allow myself to go on.
This is me. This is how I work.
I write. I stop. I get bored. I read over what I wrote. I HATE it. I delete it. I start over again.
I wouldn't be surprised if this gets deleted in the next several days.
Though I suppose if anyone is reading it, it does in fact exist.
The truth is, I'm just me. Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't expect anyone to find these bits of me interesting or worth looking over.
Here's another truth. One I've battled with for YEARS.
While I don't expect validation, I crave it. I think we, as human beings, all want to be acknowledged. And what did the blow-up of social media and blog sites do to that desire? It FED it. To a monstrous degree. All of a sudden we are given these outlets with possible opportunities to be validated by people we are not immediately in direct contact with. SCORES of people, at that!
Is this blog a contradiction? Of course it is. Because while I despise the media that stokes the fire of online acknowledgement, I actively participate in it. I'm not going to give up my Facebook account any time soon. And I'm not going to stop blogging.
Because apparently what I have to say is important. Important enough to toss to the masses of strangers who will never come across it.
It's a conundrum.
Life is not about silly thoughts and pointless assumptions. It's not about all those things we WISH we had; that ONE THING that will "make our lives better".
It's about what we are doing with what we have now.
It's about constant progression.
This is challenging. There's no doubt about that.
It's so easy to forget about progression and just be happy with mediocrity. With doing the bare minimum to get by.
Where does that get us in the end?
I wish that my TRUE self would listen to this rational self. I wish I could turn off certain parts of my brain.
Like the part that says, "I DO want to eat those cookies"
Or the part that wants to keep up with with too many TV shows instead of doing productive things.
Most especially the parts in my brain that feel anxiety over work (specifically the things I still don't know how to do), and the parts that wonder incessantly about how certain other people view me.
I believe that if I spent less time wondering and more time just "being" and "doing" that I would probably be happier.
I want to become better at the guitar and learn to play the new hammered dulcimer I just acquired (That's right, I now have a HAMMERED DULCIMER. I can check THAT off my dreams list!).
I want to finish one book a month.
I want to bike to work every day.
I want to (yes I'm going to say it) go one dates. Learn to be social and balance that with all the other things in my life.
I want to memorize scriptures. I want to help my mom and sister do family history work. I want to be a good member missionary and serve those around me.
I want to write letters to my friends. To finally plant my garden. To be crafty each day.
I want so many things and yet I find myself lacking in each and every one of them. It makes me wonder just how MUCH I want them.
If I truly wanted them, wouldn't I try harder?
Okay, that's enough for one night.
Time to ponder how I can fit more into each day.
Maybe I should stop blogging and save some time THERE....
Far too practical.