There's good, there's bad, and then there's Sadie...

This is a really frustrating time.

I realized today that I only have about $20 and 1/2 a tank of gas to my name (yes, tanks of gas are currency now).

I need MONEY.

Before I can get money, I need a job.

Before I can get a job, I need to meet with the people I want to work for.

Before I can meet with those people, I need them to be at their places of work.

Do you see how I have only a little control over this situation?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow HAS to be the day. I hate feeling like I am doing nothing with my life. That might be nice for a day or two or three. But after a week? No.

I did laundry and moved some of my stuff up into the room I am staying in. But that's all.

In the WHOLE DAY that's all I did and I hate myself for it.

I love that I am home. I love to have family there that I can talk with and spend time with. This is what I have been missing!

But I also haven't motivated myself to go walking at all so I feel lazy. And then I don't do anything really productive and feel even more lazy. Then I realize that I have spent almost the whole day with my dog who does nothing more than SLEEP-and I realize that I am about as active and productive as moss. But even moss is photosynthesizing as it sits there. I'm barely even metabolizing the food I've eaten today.

Tomorrow has potential just as every day does. What kills me is that today was going to be FULL of things I needed to do. But what did I do? I spent most of my time on my computer. Here I am again. I know that I said I missed unlimited wireless internet, but the truth is it makes me feel like I have no life. When I DO have unlimited internet (like I did when I went to the library) I did nothing but spend time watching TV shows and read blogs and Skype. It was okay in New Hampshire because going to the Library was a novelty. But here?

*sigh*

Why am I complaining?

I just need to get my little tush in gear!

And then, there's Sadie. Awwww...SADIE! Gosh, I love that little ball of quivering fur.

TO DO LIST!

1. Give my little ball of quivering fur a bath

2. Try to contact my future Branch President

3. Try to contact possible employers for my 2 months home

4. Do some unpacking

5. Look up places to live

6. Research for that research paper I was supposed to have finished by the end of this NH experience and didn't finish and need to have done in the next few weeks.

Okay. Tomorrow is going to be good.

It's kind of nice knowing I don't have to post every day.

I'm home now. Finally. It was an epic journey. My computer is out of it's 4 day hibernation. Sadie is lying on the bed next to me. Trissie is lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. I am showered and wearing clean clothes. Coldplay is playing on my iTunes (Did I tell you that the main reason I cried so much as I left Bear Brook was because of "Fix You" and "Into the West"?).

All is right with the world.

And yet, there is a small emptiness. Not a gaping hole, by any means. I'm here and my soul is complete.

But there is something missing. It will soon be filled with the time I send at home, the hours I put in at whatever part-time job I manage to acquire, and all the internet I could ever want.

For now, it's a knowledge that I left some part of me behind. I know this is a natural feeling. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't help that being idle make me feel a little anxious.

It's also a feeling that though I feel home and there is much that I missed, I am somewhat apart from everyone and everything around me. I'm here temporarily but then gone again. Separate.

While some things feel natural and I can laugh right along, other things feel strange and I don't relate. That's okay. It's just...different. And that's what I left behind in New Hampshire.

Despite the slightly sad sound of this post, I am VERY happy to be home! To be with Sadie! To laugh with family!

To be here, in the now.

Yes, I will spend unnecessary amounts of time talking about New Hampshire and Bear Brook for the next two months.

Just in case you were wondering what it was going to be like living with me for the next two months (those of you residing in Columbia, MO).

In every conversation I will find some way to talk about a memory from New Hampshire.

I will constantly rave about sweet potatoes, feta cheese, eggplant, and not flushing the toilet.

I will complain about not having enough vegetables and spend all my free time trying to find a particular brand of veggie sausages at the grocery store.

I will say, "I miss New Hampshire" at least 10 times an hour.

I will reference people you don't know acting like you should know who I am talking about.

But I will be home. For a while. Even though it's a little scary, I can't tell you how good it feels to have a plan. Even if it's not a real job and it's only temporary. I have somewhere to go and it's a place I always dreamed of living in ever since I saw Sara Plain and Tall and she talked about Maine.

What else?

Oh!

I didn't cry during the recognition ceremony. I didn't cry during the sharing meeting. I didn't cry on the last night when everyone else was drunkenly sharing their inner most feelings.

I did cry on the last night when I was walking back to my cabin. I did cry as I was driving out of Bear Brook for the last time. I did cry when I realized I don't know when I am going to see Jessica again.

And then I drove, and drove, and drove, and drove. Like the pioneer children with horse power.

I have a million cheesy and cliche things I want to say right now. How I will never be the same, how this experienced changed me and helped me grow, how I will never forget my 10 months at Bear Brook state park.

But the truth is, now matter how much I will miss the people I met there and some of the things I had there, I was ready for the end. I was ready for the next step. This was a chance to figure out who I am and how I want to live. Dale Penny said that this was the FIRST step. The second step is to live our lives using the things that we learned. I can't wait to start living my life as ME. As the person I am now.

This version of me is not completely new. She is the same in many ways. She still quote Willow and Clue. She is still a complete dork. She will still kick peoples butt at Guitar Hero (it's like riding a bike, yo!). But she will now know what's it's like to live as an adult and make choices for more than just herself. She will know that she can't pretend to know what she is talking about. She knows that it's just best to be honest.

I have said this many times, but I have learned more about myself in these past 10 months than I have in all my previous years combined (that is not literal, just a way of expressing how I feel. In case you were wondering).

I'm going to finish now by saying that change is weird and scary and exciting.

Bring it on, life.

Day ZERO.

The following is what my supervisor, mentor, and friend-Marlee-said about me tonight at the recognition ceremony. As you read, imagine my face with a huge smile, just a bit red from laughing, and a mixture of embarrassment and happiness.

"If you’re interested in finding the best French Onion Soup in Merrimack county, Sarah Lambson is the person to talk to. Same goes if you’d like to understand the finer points of how the Harry Potter and Twilight series compare, or the pros and cons of having on of those giant blow-up Christmas ornaments on your lawn. Sarah is a critical thinker who seems to have thought carefully about just about everything there is to think about in our day to day lives.

This independent thinking has been a hallmark of Sarah’s role in the community here. She seems practically immune to peer pressure and was often willing to speak out for what she thought was right, regardless of the overall feeling of the group. She mastered the art of finding personal time and space in a lively community, while still building strong relationships and remaining an integral member of the group.

Sarah began exploring her skills as an educator at Hillside Middle School last spring, and found her stride as an interpretive ranger this summer and fall. She has developed a strong classroom voice and effective facilitation and group management skills that will serve her well in her education position with the Maine Conservation Corps this spring. Thank you Sarah, for all that you have shared."

I told Marlee that I was so touched with what she had said, that I wanted to cherish it forever. So she gave me the paper that had what she had said about me written out.

I told myself that I wouldn't focus on lasts (even though this is my last blog entry written as a member of the SCA NH corps). So I won't.

I will however mention how inspiring the speech Dale Penny (CEO of the SCA) gave was. He got emotional towards the end and you all know how emotional I get when someone I don't expect to cry, cries. It's not a pretty sight. It was weird, because I really wanted him to say "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen". He spoke a lot of how this wasn't an ending but the beginning of the life I lead using the things I learned from this experience.

It was a long ceremony and the benches were hard, but the food was amazing even though it was from a vegan restaurant. Sushi? Yes, please. Focaccia? Gimme! And those were just the appetizers.

I really want to reflect a little more, but I actually have MORE WORK to do before I leave tomorrow and everyone in the lodge is pressuring me to join the fun. So I gotta go.

I cannot believe this is over.

Day 1

Was it as horrible as I thought it would be?

Yes. Yes it was.

Community meeting was actually one of the best ones we've had. That was a bonus. My hat (the one that I started making and Mom finished and put a very large pom on the top) got a shout out.

There were generally good feelings all around.

Then, it was time to clean. And then we cleaned. After that, we cleaned again. Somewhere in there we ate lunch. There wasn't much to have. Cleaning took 4-5 hours depending on who you were and how much you helped once your original task was done. I scrubbed bathroom and shower walls/ceilings. It was horrible. At first, all I had was this scrub brush that had hairs in it and so when I scrubbed the wall, hair was left behind (GROSS!). I switched to a brand new sponge, but that took FOREVER. Finally, I discovered a brand new, unused, NOT hairy floor scrubber. I used this and things went by MUCH faster. But it still took me a while. And I was in the shower rooms in which a chemical to remove rust had been used. I think the fumes were MADE of little particles of iron because I felt like I was breathing in death. I think those fumes cut 10 years off my life span.

Anyway, I finally got done cleaning, but guess what I had to go do? Clean my cabin. I know that it has been just Jess and me living there for a good while now, but I think that the other former Edison residents are dragging their feet on their part of the cleaning. It's NOT getting done no matter how much I do, there seem to be a million more things to do.

Oh well. I am so close, I can taste it. It tastes like Sunday night cookies.

I think I will finally be able to finish packing tonight and then load my car tomorrow. I know I keep saying that driving back by myself isn't a big deal, but the closer it gets, the more anzxious I feel about it.

Also, dinner is WAY late tonight. I blame all the cleaning we just did. And we're just going to get it dirty again tomorrow.

Wow. I can't believe TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!

Okay, dinner should be soon and I don't really have much more to add.

UPDATE: Not gonna lie. I cried a little bit during the evening reflection. It may have lasted a long time, but it felt good. And sad. And happy. And funny. And a couple times awkward. And just a LITTLE bit like the last night of girls camp except no ones statements began with "I'd like to bear my testimony...".

Things are going to be different.

Day 2

Get ready for the 3-2-1 liftoff!!

I'm not even sure what that means in this context.

Meat. Ball. Subs.

And Peanut butter pie.

Could dinner be any better? I have a feeling it was in NO way good for me, but it was so good to put it IN me. Mmmmmmm...

I am going to dream about the meal for months. I think I have a new favorite thing in the world. Even better than (dare I say it?) French Onion Soup.

Okay, NOT better than French Onion Soup. There really isn't anything better.

So, today. I thought it wasn't a tedious as yesterday until the end when I was done feeling dusty and cobwebby and cold.

I spent 45 minutes of my morning talking to Z and listening to her play her clarinet! I should have been working, but I feel like I never get to talk to her anymore.

I put up storm windows. I got all my books packed. I did some cleaning.

I wore three different hats.

I helped prepare the amazing dinner that we had.

And now I am exhausted. I don't know what tomorrow will bring (except more packing and a super deep ream that will take the whole morning) but I'm sure it will be great (just like having a filling put in!).

Day 2 everyone. I cannot believe that I only have tomorrow and Thursday and then I'm leaving. I don't think 72 hours has ever gone so slowly and seemed to take weeks before.

Day 3

I got this entry in on the day I meant to get it in!

Yay!

This is most exciting thing to happen to me all day!

Literally. And figuratively.

The best I can say about this particular Monday is that I got to sleep in. Oh, and French toast. What makes it French? Is it the spices?

Anyway, it's been dull and tedious cleaning and organizing today. A lot of searching for the right places to put things.

By the way, this orange is one of the worst oranges I have ever eaten. Too bad it's not orange season. I've been missing the Vitamin C.

There was a lot of stuffing of things into a first aid kit. Remember that scene in Apollo 13 where they dump all the supplies that the crew has in front of the staff on the ground and say "You have to get that into that using nothing but THAT"? THAT'S what I felt like. Trying to stuff all this stuff into a small space.

Then there was the washing. Bins and bags and plastic cups.

And for dinner? Curry. Bleh. And so here I am. Eating a gross orange (I might as well have eaten the curry) and goldfish. I'm watching The Pretender. I might have a good night. Just me, Jess, Will, and Z sitting in Edison, watching the fire, talking, maybe watching a horror movie.

I hope it happens. It would be a good ending to a dismal day.

Our time is running out. And the days couldn't be going any slower.

So, how was YOUR Monday?